11 ~ The Place where I Stay?

Some thoughts return no matter how often you try to outrun them.

Remus' POV:

     "And that is why the coolest Animagus form is a dog", Sirius ended his speech and looked Professor McGonagall dead serious in the eye. The Transfiguration teacher shook her head, the tip of her hat bobbing back and forth, after that she muttered something about the behaviour of the young Black.     She seemed to be losing faith in some of her students, meaning Sirius. She was probably asking herself at that moment how his last essay about Animagi had received an 'Exceeds Expectations'.      Already in third year we had learned about the Animagus spell for the first time, and that it had resulted from this and other reasons that my friends were currently unregistered Animagi, was pure reality.     However, I did not think about it, because otherwise I would have to think about the last full moon again. That would in turn lead to me thinking about the girl. About Phil.

And now I am already doing it again, I sighed in my thoughts.

     But I shook my head and studied Professor McGonagall. She finished her muttering and moved to another row of seats. I suppressed a grin. After the pointy-hatted witch had finished her way, she instead called on Lily. The Gryffindor lowered her hand, and that James was staring at her a little too intensely was obvious.     Lily cleared her throat: "An Animagus is a witch or wizard who can willingly transform themselves into a specific animal and back again. It is a learned ability, not an inherited one, unlike that of Metamorphmagi. There exists an Animagus Register, which records all Animagi, so that they cannot disappear without a trace."          "Very, good!", praised the professor. "Five house points for Gryffindor! Now I would like to get to the reason why I had you repeat this information." She walked to the teacher's desk and the gazes of those present followed her.     Sirius, however, merely snorted grumpily and pulled funny faces behind the back of the Transfiguration professor, afterwards he turned to James and whispered sharply: "That's exactly what I said as well!"     "Yes, but in your words there were two contradictions", he whispered back, so that Sirius looked at him challengingly, "so, for one you cannot say that the register is nonsense, and for another the dog is not the best form."     "Aha, and which one then? A stag?", they teased each other.James nodded, then they started another discussion.

Yes, those are my friends...

     Although I tried to follow the lesson, my concentration left much to be desired. With the two gossipers and other thoughts, concentration was a rarity. I kept thinking about that Phil.      Yesterday I had seen her in the Gryffindor common room, which could only mean that Dumbledore had accepted her into Hogwarts. That she was in a dormitory with Lily and the other girls, Lily's friends, had the consequence that a conversation with the new girl would be difficult.           Lily and her friends did not like us, meaning me a little, nevertheless they would protect Phil.     "Very good answer, Mister Snape. Five house points for Slytherin!", the voice of the professor sounded again and I looked up.      What she had asked him, I did not know, but according to Sirius something unimportant. He mimicked McGonagall's words beside me. James had to make an effort to suppress a laugh.

What wonderful and mature friends I have...

     "Well then, the lesson is over for today. Do not forget: By next week a two-page essay about the properties of creature-altering spells that are connected with a transformation is to be written!", called the witch and wagged her finger warningly. "Independent study is the key to a great exam result!"     Afterwards all students stood up and tried to leave the classroom as quickly as possible. It was quite as if a nasty monster was following closely behind them. Simply pure nonsense.     I also made my way and of course had to wait outside the classroom for my dear friends. My right foot bounced impatiently up and down. I blew out air in annoyance.     When they finally had the kindness to show up, I could hear an annoyed: "Something wrong, Potter?" I looked towards the door, where James was just shaking his head, and let Lily and Snape pass by. His expression looked subtly disturbing, so Sirius pushed him by his shoulders towards me and Peter, who had also managed to come out of the classroom.     "Slowly you can no longer deny that it has caught you!", Sirius laughed and James swatted at his arms as he continued speaking: "A fallen brother! Let us hold a minute of silence!"     "Bloody hell, you are daft!", snapped James, but Sirius only grinned. That two fourth-year girls threw him a dreamy look seemed not to be noticed by him, and that was a good thing.     Not only James felt the effects of puberty in his body, no, the entire fourth year. That Sirius would soon become a girls' favourite was already becoming apparent. I only hoped that he would not realise it quickly, since he was a person who loved attention.     Therefore I no longer paid attention to the girls and together we went to Herbology. A subject which Sirius hated, which was why he complained the whole time on the way there.

Yes, he is a pleasant fellow.

Phil's POV:

     I opened my eyes and spotted the drawn curtains of my bed. I had not closed them, so it must have been one of the girls. My right hand reached for the fabric, then I pulled it aside.           Immediately brightness hit me.     The winter sun shone into the dormitory, which looked the same as yesterday. Strangely, I felt safe here. Safe in a sense that represented a total contrast to my previous life. A life always with fear at my back. That fear had not completely disappeared; it was merely sleeping for the time being.     I did not think about it any longer, but got up. The dark trousers that I had worn yesterday lay on the floor, and so I slipped into them, then I tightened the belt. I left my shoes standing beside the bed, but I put on the jumper that I had received yesterday in the hospital wing. Or rather, I wanted to put it on.     In the next moment, namely, I realised that in front of my bed there was a small pile of fresh clothing. It had probably arrived here through magic, but I did not know.      In any case, on the pile lay a new jumper in the Gryffindor colours. I thought briefly, but in the end put it on, afterwards I walked once in a circle through the dormitory, until I found a bathroom.     I washed my face, avoided looking into the mirror, then I went back into the dormitory and after I had looked out of the window for an hour, I no longer knew what I should do until the evening.      It seemed to be midday, according to the sun at least. When I wanted to go to my bed, my gaze fell on a book. It lay on Lily's bedside table, and when I looked at it, I read the title: The three great classics.

An interesting title.

     I examined it, discovered that Lily was already at the middle of the book, which the bookmark revealed to me. I had not read in a long time. I shrugged my shoulders. As long as I did not damage it, so I believed, Lily should not have a problem with me reading in it.     For this reason I strolled over to the window, sat down on the floor and began to read. In that moment I remembered how my mother and her new husband had taught me at home. Well, they had not taught me much, since they had always talked about how I was still too young to learn the proper things. So it had remained with normal things, like learning to read and write. I also knew a lot about all kinds of plants and animals, since Mother had specialised in this subject.     However, it hurt too much to think about my past, because besides these few beautiful memories there was an abundance of bad ones. Therefore I simply read in the book and time passed.

     I did not notice how dusk set in. Only when the door to the dormitory was opened and I only had a few pages left in the book, was reading the last classic, did I look up. From my angle I could see the four girls, but they could not see me. Only when Dorcas walked around the stove did she spot me.     "Why are you sitting on the floor?", she asked me, afterwards the others came over.          "Why not?", I did not know what I had done wrong. My gaze fell on Lily and I spoke: "I found the book. I hope it does not bother you that I read in it?"     "No, not at all", she answered and the others began to stretch out on their beds. Mare went into the bathroom and Lily continued: "In the trunk in front of my bed there are more, if you want to read those, but you can come with us straight away. We are going to the library. You might like that."          I shook my head. "I have to go to Dumbledore."     "Good, then we will first show you the way to the library, then I will bring you to Dumbledore. How does that sound?", she asked quite kindly, which was why I could only nod.     It felt strange to no longer be alone. How long this feeling would follow me, I did not know. It had been sitting at my neck for too long already.     For the time being I could stay here, but for how long? When would this fear catch up with me?

I do not know...

     Once again I went up the stone staircases, which seemed endless to me. Lily had just brought me to Dumbledore, and I had also seen the library. So many books I had never seen in my life and Lily had offered me that she would lend me a few that dealt with plants and animals. Topics that I liked, even would have to learn at Hogwarts at some point.     I walked the stairs upwards and this time I knocked on the door. A dull "Come in!" sounded, afterwards the door swung open to the side all by itself and granted me entry into the round, spacious room.      Once inside, I was greeted again by the wizard Dumbledore. He smiled at me as always over his half-moon spectacles. His all-knowing eyes sparkled.          "So, Phil. I am pleased to see you", Dumbledore greeted me and waved me over to him. I came to him and he asked: "And, how was your first day?"     It sounded like normal small talk, which was why I nodded, said: "I read a book", and he nodded as well.          "You are surely wondering why you are here. I will tell you that, and indeed we two will make a small detour into Diagon Alley."     "Diagon Alley?"          "Yes, there we will do some errands. You do need a wand after all. We will go to the bank on another day, I still have to find out whether you own a vault. Enough talking, off we go!"     The old, yet powerful-looking wizard clapped his hands, which were covered with age spots, and placed one hand on my shoulder. In the next moment everything happened far too quickly for me to have been able to realise anything.     A blink later, after the headmaster had clapped his hands, I heard the cry of a bird. My eyes examined the creature, the phoenix Fawkes. The magical, flame-coloured bird, as large as an eagle, circled us, afterwards my surroundings distorted.      Everything spun and I had the feeling as if the ground was being stolen from beneath my feet. I only heard laughter from Dumbledore, which sounded delighted and far too young for him.     A few seconds later we stood again on the beloved ground. I had to concentrate not to vomit.

I feel sick...

     "What was that?!", I asked agitatedly and tried to realise the change of our surroundings. I held my stomach, had to retch once, but I had not eaten anything today, which was why it remained at that.          "We have apparated and are now in Diagon Alley. You must know, this is how witches and wizards can move from A to B. Of course it is not the most pleasant way to travel, but you get used to it", joked Dumbledore cheerfully. Childlike mischief sparkled in his eyes.     We stood in front of an old building, which looked as if it would collapse in on itself at any moment. Although, perhaps I was exaggerating, since only in comparison to the other buildings did it look musty.          "Well, Phil, we are here to obtain a wand of your own, as already said."     I could only nod, perplexed, but I had no time to process that I was in a small town, that was how it seemed to me at least. Together we approached the shop, which bore the name Ollivanders. The shop sign announced in peeling golden letters that the shop had been offering finest wands of its own making since the year 382 B.C.      My gaze wandered to the dusty shop window, in which on a red cushion lay a wand. Afterwards we entered the shop and were announced by a bright ringing of a bell.

"Everything is fine, Phil, you can do this. You do not need to be afraid", the voice in my head spoke reassuringly to me.

     "Well then, who do we have here? Miss Aquila. Hm, yes, I remember. Your parents both got their wands from me", spoke the shop owner, who had previously introduced himself as Ollivander and had invited us inside.      Although what was spoken was directed at me, it seemed to me as if he was muttering it to himself while he rummaged through all the boxes. We stood in front of a counter. The old man was just climbing a ladder upwards.           Everywhere there were shelves with wands and he did not even seem to wonder why Dumbledore and I were in his shop at this late hour.     Mr. Ollivander was an old wizard with a gentle voice and large, shining, pale silvery eyes, which, as it seemed to me, did not blink, but rather appeared rigid and searching.      He took a great deal of time, meanwhile I let my gaze wander through the dimly lit shop. The dark interior seemed old, cramped and bare, its atmosphere was filled with tension, nevertheless I felt comfortable.           Everywhere there were wooden shelves that reached from the floor to the ceiling and contained dozens of small, long boxes with carefully packed wands.     An eternity later the old man returned with two different boxes and placed them onto the dusty counter.

Right in front of me...

     "Well then, let us begin!", he called out joyfully, took the first wand carefully and with slightly trembling fingers out of the dusty package, whereby I noticed his fine, bristling hair, "Ah, 10 1/2 inches long, springy mahogany wood and as core the hair of a unicorn. Interesting, go on, wave it", Ollivander's voice sounded excited and he pressed the piece of wood into my hand. I looked at him sceptically, with one eyebrow raised, and waved the wand.           Nothing happened.     I tried it again more forcefully and now something happened. The boxes from the back shelves all flew out and crashed clattering onto the floor. Dust danced in the air, seemed to celebrate my action. Startled, I quickly placed the wand back into its package, which lay on the counter.     "Hm, interesting, highly interesting. I had already thought so", the man scratched his head, "then try this wand", he continued speaking, put the first wand back into one of the shelf compartments and took the other box into his wrinkled hand. He blew off the dust, took the small piece of wood out with his bony fingers.     "Hawthorn, 12 inches, core of dragon heartstring and flexible."Again I took the wand, and when I waved it, a tiny spark came from the tip of the wand.           Not very impressive.      Mr. Ollivander, however, smiled gently at me and his eyes glittered excitedly.          "I think we have found your wand."

     Now I had a wand. After Dumbledore and I were outside again, we also bought a school uniform. The rest we would buy during our next detour into Diagon Alley, and so we travelled back to Hogwarts, where dinner was waiting in a great hall.

Stand straight, straighten shoulders and always look straight ahead, I repeated firmly in my thoughts and closed my eyes for a brief moment.      It was a mantra that ensured survival. Survival among people, because whoever showed weakness was the victim. It was quite simple.      The concept of life and death was simple.

     My eyes opened again, afterwards they fixed on the large double door in front of me. But should I open it as well?     After a short hesitation I decided to do it. I placed my right palm onto it with some doubt, let it rest there briefly. The cool surface caused me a small shock that shot through my body.     I examined my hand, how it lay on the door with the many ornaments, and with a glance at my clothing, which consisted of a Hogwarts school uniform as well as a red-gold tie, I made sure that I was ready.      Ready to close an old chapter of my life and to begin a new one. Ready not to fail this time, to hide away and therefore to forget myself. However, was I telling this to myself now because Dumbledore had said it to me, or because I wanted it? Did I want to live among people?

"They will not have anything good left for you", this voice whispered again, "but, you can achieve everything you can imagine."     Could I believe this voice?          Yes, I believed it.     People did not like me, many of them, almost all, but I could manage it. I could live in this world. The boy managed it after all.

     After several breaths I applied pressure against the heavy door and entered the Great Hall. The double door opened magically. The creaking of its hinges echoed in my ears.     Immediately one thing became clear to me, there were clearly more people here than I had thought. The first of them became aware of me and their numerous heads turned in my direction.      There were four long tables in the hall. On their benches sat witches and wizards of the four houses. Black-yellow colours of the Hufflepuffs, green-silver ones of the Slytherins, blue-bronze ones of the Ravenclaws and the red-gold ones of the Gryffindors.Whispering sounded from all corners and panic crept over me. It was like the calm before the storm. Perhaps I should simply turn around after all, pretend as if nothing had ever happened?      I remained steadfast and repeated my mantra: Stand straight, I held my head straight, focused my gaze only on one thing: the goal. The goal that was located at the very end of the Great Hall, namely the teachers' table, at which the headmaster sat on his golden armchair.     Straighten shoulders, I straightened my shoulders, placed one foot in front of the other, and always look straight ahead. I did it, walked my path, which led to the goal.     Again and again I repeated this one sentence in my head, which also worked, until I felt an intense gaze resting on me. It was a strange feeling, because among the hundreds of gazes of the students, there was only one that I perceived.           That had a simple reason, because this gaze went under the skin.      I let my head drift in his direction and remained fixed on those eyes. They radiated a calm that I would not have thought possible - calm that gave one security. His green eyes met mine and for a short moment everything around me was forgotten. The staring gazes, the whispering, my fear. Everything was forgotten.

No longer important.

     There he was. I remembered his name, Lupin, who, just like me, was a murderous monster and yet he lived. He did not merely exist, no, he truly lived.

"Nothing is impossible, Phil. Absolutely nothing, your fate may be predetermined, but you can achieve everything you dream of. Yes, even a normal life."

     The moment had seemed like an eternity to me, however it had only been a few seconds during which our gazes had met.     In the next second Lupin let his eyes wander to my chest and studied the red-gold tie with interest and knowing, which I had tied around my neck.           I saw that he wore the same one.      As my gaze wandered across the entire table, I also spotted his strange friends. A black-haired boy grinned from ear to ear and a small, blond-haired boy only briefly lifted his head. When our gazes met, he immediately avoided mine. Likewise I spotted another boy who had messy, dark hair. His brown eyes looked at me through his glasses.      I let my gaze pass once more over each individual, afterwards I found the gaze of Lily and her friends, who were sitting off to the side. The green eyes of the Gryffindor rested on me and she smiled encouragingly at me, then I continued on my way.     Somewhat more confidently I walked the last steps and stopped at the end of the hall. I looked into the wise eyes of the professor, who smiled encouragingly at me, slowly rose from his chair.      He walked in my direction, let his eyes wander over the students of Hogwarts, following that his eyes looked at me again and he raised his voice, which plunged the hall into silence.