82

-April 13th 1999-

    We are all  now watching Law & Order and I'm holding my husband's hand.

Joey:Okay see that blind guy right there?. I'm gonna bash his head in later.

    His grandmother asks him something in Italian once a commercial comes on.

Joey:Oh um my big scene is coming up.Big scene coming up.

Chandler:If you said Big lima bean bubbling up.Would she understand the difference?.

Monica:Rach?.What are you doing?.

Rachel:Oh boy I just can't watch.It's too scary!.

Monica:It's a diaper commercial.

Rachel:Oh yeah well you know me babies, responsibilities ah!.

    There's a knock on the door and we hear the Pizza Lady Caitlin's voice.

Caitlin#Pizza delivery!.

Ross:I'll get it!.I will get that!.

    Ross runs over and opens the door.Ross talks to Caitlin and I ignore it till I hear Chandler speak up.

Chandler:Here you go.Now stop bringing us pizzas you.

Caitlin:I'm gonna try.

Ross closes the door.

Chandler:You're welcome.

Ross:You couldn't let me have her could ya?!.

Chandler:What?.

Ross:This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!.

Monica:What's going on?.

Ross:Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!.

Chandler:Thank you for that!."To Monica".I was not flirting.

Monica:It's okay.I don't care.It's uh it's fine.

Ross:Really?!.

Chandler:Really?!.

Monica:It's no big deal I do it all the time.

Chandler:"Starts to laugh,gets serious".So um you,you flirt with guys all the time?.

Monica:Sure!.It doesn't mean anything!. Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you!.

Chandler:Okay but there is a big difference.You are a lot hotter than I am.

Cassius:"Walking past".True story!."Goes,sits down".

Monica:Chandler this actually bothers you?.

Chandler:Yes it does bother me.And I think it would bother a lot of people.Rachel when you were going out with Ross did it bother you when he flirted with other women?.

Rachel:Uh no,no it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Ross:And thank you for that.

Rachel:But y'know I never really had anything to worry about.Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.

Ross:What?."Mumbles".What,what,what are talking about?.It,it worked with you.

Rachel:Oh!.Y'know what?.You're right!.We meet you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me!.

Ross:All right,all right.You,you,you know what I'm going to do?.I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you,you I will show how well I flirt.Yeah!.I will,I will get her phone number!."To Chandler".And not the one on the menu!.

Phoebe enters from Rachel's bedroom.

Phoebe:I found it!.

Rachel:Oh!.Thank God!.Where was it?.

Phoebe:On your dresser.

Rachel:Okay that is the one we already have

Joey:Okay here's my big scene.My big scene's here!.

There is two of the cops on the street then the show cuts to where they're entering an apartment.

Joey:Oh my God.

Tabitha:What?.

Joey:"Smiling".Okay everybody just keep smiling.It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.

Chandler:"Smiling".Well what is it?.

Joey:"Smiling".Oh they cut me out of the show.

Rachel:"Smiling".What?!.

Ross:"Smiling".Are you sure?.

Phoebe:"Smiling".Maybe your scene's coming up?.

Joey:"Smiling".Not likely.Cause you see that body bag right there

Tabitha:"Smiling".Yeah.

Joey:"Smiling".I'm in it.

Phoebe:"Smiling".This is terrible what are you going to do?.

Joey:"Smiling".I don't know.This little old lady lives for my career.When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.

Phoebe:"Not smiling".That's not good.

Joey:"Smiling".No smile.Not that face smile.Everybody smile.

We all smile.

Tabitha:"Smiling".Babe why don't you just tell her what happened?.It's not your fault.

Chandler:"Smiling".If we keep talking this way aren't we gonna freak her out soon?.

    Gran says Something to my husband in Italian.

Joey:Soon,soon I'm gonna be on soon. There I am!."Points to screen".

Gran:"Pointing at screen".No!.Sam Waterston!.

Joey:No,no,no,that,that's me,that's me.

Gran:No it's Sam Waterston!.Crimes and Misdemeanors Capricorn One.

Chandler:Doesn't know Hello.But she knows Capricorn One.

Phoebe gets up nd Monica follows her....As we watch the show soon we hear Monica shout.

Monica:Chandler!.

    Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away...Soon a commercial comes on and Joey turns to Ross in the kitchen.

Joey:All right it's another commercial I still haven't told her.

Ross:Joey!.This is like the last commercial. You've got like."Checks his watch".Ten minutes left!.

Joey:I know,I know!.What am I going to do?."Thinks".Oh!.

Tabitha:No!.You are not gonna run out and leave her here!.

Joey:Yeah all right."Thinks of something".Oh!.

    My husband quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.

Gran:Joey!.

Chandler:Uh Joey is gonna be right back. Right back!."Tries to tell her".Meanwhile let's,let's,let's talk about you...So you're old and small.

Tabitha:Chandler.Leave me to the talking.

    I turn to Joey's Grandma and I wave and she waves back.I point to my stomach and she smiles and places her hand on it feeling my daughter kick and she grins.As Monica and the girls talk i grab a magazine from the table and point to objects for the baby and Gran does to and we bond without even speaking till we are interrupted by a voice.

Caitlin:"From outside".Pizza!.

Ross:"Running to door".Oh mine!,Mine!, Mine!."To everyone".Okay here goes.Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.

Chandler:Okay hold on."Readies himself". Okay."Walks away".

Rachel:Honey you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl I don't flirting is the right thing to-

Ross:"Shushes her".You'll see.Okay."Readies himself".Oh what's,what's her name?.

All:Caitlin!.

Gran:Caitlin.

Ross opens the door while fake laughing.

Ross:Hey!.Oh we,we can't keep eating like this.

    I watch as our sister Monica turns her head in shame.

Caitlin:It's uh $12.50.

Ross:Okay."Gets the money".So do you make the pizzas in one of those uh wood burning ovens?.

Caitlin:No actually um I think that they're um gas.

Ross:Gas?.Wow!.Intense...Hey uh y'know that smell gas has?.

Caitlin:Yeah.

Ross:They put that in.

Caitlin:What?!.

Ross:The gas is odorless but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.

Caitlin:Well okay.

Ross:A lot of other gas smells…

Chandler:Oh the humanity.

Ross:M-methane smells…

Caitlin:Y'know what um actually I-I really I should go.

Ross:Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!.

Caitlin:Y'know what?.That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me!."Leaves running".

    Ross closes the door slowly and he looks to us all.

Ross:Was I talking to her about gas?.

Chandler:More so than anything else.

Phoebe:I-I-I found it interesting.

Rachel:I'm sorry.

Ross:Look no,no, hey,hey don't worry about it.In nine years she and I will be right there.

Ross sits on the couch.

Rachel:Okay well I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes.

    Rachel grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and Leaves and Phoebe walks over to Me and Ross.

Phoebe:Ross?.

Ross:Yeah?.

Phoebe:What else do they add smell too?.

    Soon Me,Phoebe and Chandler are still watching the show with Gran as Rachel enters.

Rachel:Hey Ross?.Um I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and,and uh you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.

Ross:What do you mean?.

Rachel:Well I don't get it but she wanted me to give you her phone number."Hands him a piece of papat".

Ross:And she just gave you this?.

Rachel:Yeah!.

Ross:Rach thanks but uh I don't need you doing me any favors.

Rachel:I-I-I didn't!,I didn't!.She thought you were cute.

Ross:Well that I can believe.

Rachel:Yay!.

Joey then enters the apartment.

Jory:Hey!.Is the show still on?.

Tabitha:Almost over hun.

Joey says hi to his grandmother.

Jory:Look!.Oh!."Pointing out window".Is that the Pope?!.

   Me,Chandler and Joey's grandma turn to look outside knowing its a trick.

Chandler:Why am I looking?.

Jory:Oh here I am here's my big scene!.

    We turn to the TV to watch.We watch a home movie Joey made He braces himself against the door to Chandler and Cassius's apartment while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater he is right now.

(Jory:All right back off!.I gotta gun!.I'm not afraid to use it!.)

Gran:Oh Joey!.

Joey:That's right!.

Chandler:You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.

(Joey:Now I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars.

The duck quacks and Joey speaks to it.

Joey:Choo!,Choo!,Choo!."To imaginary cops".Filled with $100,000 in small bills and if I don't get it…

The duck quacks louder.

Joey:Choo!.And if I don't get it."Picks up duck".I'm gonna shoot this duck!)

Phoebe:Oh no!.

(Joey:I'm coming out!

   Joey opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)

Ross:"To Tabitha".And she's supposed to buy this?!.

Gran:Joey bravo!."Speaks Italian".

    Suddenly the tape cuts away from Joey's scene to Chandler standing really,really close to the camera.

(Chandler:"Singing".Ground control to Major Tom.Commencing countdown…engines…on!.)

    Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.

Joey:"To Gran".That's uh scenes from next week's show.Next week's!.

Phoebe:I am definitely gonna watch that!.