Spiraling

Trigger Warning: Domestic violence/abuse.

Again I'm sorry for JJs behavior.

It's been two months since the love of my life hurt me, he became a monster in my nightmares, plaguing my thoughts and dreams, taunting and torturing me. Life has been blasting past me, continuing on while I whither away. Every time I close my eyes I'm reminded of the things that have happened over the course of the past few weeks, flashbacks flicker behind my eyelids, breaking me down into nothing.

Like the time I went to the Country Club with Rafe and his friends to busy myself since it had been a week of not hearing from JJ. We were on the patio drinking sodas and watching people golf in the distance, my entire world had stopped when my ocean eyes ex boyfriend walked up with his uniform on and a pitcher of water in his hand, he never once looked me in the eyes since he was too focused on the bruises he left along my jaw from our fight at Barry's. He had finally snapped out of his daze and topped off everyone's drinks before disappearing behind the bar.

Rafe held me while I cried that day, he reassured me that I would be okay, but he couldn't promise that, besides he doesn't know the whole story, he knows a water downed version of what happened. He thinks we just got into an argument after Barry jumped us, he thinks our drug dealer friends bruised me and then JJ broke up with me over the whole ordeal.

I haven't seen JJ since that day, we left shortly after seeing him since I was a crying mess. He had watched me leave, his hand was pressed to his chest like he was in pain which confused me since he hasn't acted like he cares, he never checked on me or apologized. He dropped the whole crew and hangs out with our school friends now, he doesn't even see John B anymore which makes me feel guilty since I'm the reason my brother no longer has his childhood best friend, if I had just kept my legs closed then things would still be okay.

Fuck, I can't keep thinking about this shit right now. My eyes flicker across the small room I'm in, taking in the guilts folded on the end of my bed and the old timey photos hanging on the walls that showcase Pope's family for many generations. I've been staying with the Heyward's for a week, hiding away from the world because it's too hard to go to the Chateau since it's dark and lonely, and when I'm at Tannyhill everyone tries to cheer me up or they bring up JJ which hurts to think about.

Seeing my brother hurts too so I've distanced myself from him, which he doesn't seem to mind since all his time goes into being with Sarah or helping Pope look for their blonde haired friend that wants nothing to do with me, he gets angry every time they show up at his dads to talk to him, usually they end up arguing until JJ takes off on his dirt bike.

They've also been trying to make plans to get the gold out of the well, but no one in the crew wants to do it without JJ, so we've been at a bit of a standstill, not to mention transporting 500 million dollars worth of gold isn't an easy task or something that will go unnoticed with the limited amount of supplies and resources we have.

My door creaks open so I roll over and force a smile at my visitor, "Good morning Mama."

"You need to get out of bed, honey." Mrs. Heyward sits on the edge of my bed with a sympathetic expression resting on her features, "You can't just sleep your days away, you have friends who are worried about you."

"I don't want to see anyone but you, Heyward and Pope." My body bends over the side of the bed, throwing up into the trashcan I've abused lately, "Something's wrong, Mama, I'm not getting any better."

She sighs, "I know, that's why I got you this." She pulls a box out of a brown paper bag and holds it up, my stomach drops when I realize what she has, "I think you're pregnant, honey, not sick with the stomach flu. You're gaining weight around your belly, throwing up, and you're always tired."

My fingers trace over the lettering on the small box, "I can't be."

"Just take one of the tests, we can go from there." She dabs a wet rag to my mouth, "I'll wait right here, we can look at the results together."

My body moves slowly when I get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom, the voice is quietly whispering in my mind while I pee on this stupid stick. It's telling me I'm growing a baby inside of me now, making me cry while I think about the possibility of being pregnant with JJs baby, knowing he won't be there to help me if I am. That thought makes me want to shut myself away from the world forever. He always joked about how I'm the only girl he's ever had raw sex with, it doesn't feel so funny anymore, we should have used condoms, better yet we never should have had sex at all.

Once I'm done, I quickly take the little white stick back to the room with me, making sure to cover it up so I don't see the results yet, "I haven't had my period for a couple months, Mama."

"You were only with JJ sexually, correct?"

"Yes."

She sighs after a moment and gestures to the stick, "I think it's been long enough, go ahead and flip it over, whatever the outcome is I'll be here for you, okay?"

"Okay." I take a deep breath before uncovering the test, my eyes stay glued to the little screen, the word POSITIVE stares back at me, causing tears to roll down my cheeks, "No, this can't be happening. I.. I don't want to have a baby yet, especially not his baby, he.. he hates me and so if he finds out then he'll hate me even more."

"I'm going to get you an appointment so we can see how far along you are, Ward gave me your insurance information incase you needed to be seen for anything while with us." She pulls her phone out, their house is right on the edge of Kook side of the island so they get decent connection from the towers unlike the Chateau that still has no cell service, "We can handle this together, honey."

I stand up and turn to look at my belly in my full length mirror, circling my hands over my bloated belly that's actually pretty round now and sort of hard when I poke at it, "How did I not think of this sooner? It's been months since I've had my period."

"You've been in bed for weeks and in your own world." She rubs my back while making a call, but I tune out her talking to the clinic and stare at my baby bump.

"I can't believe this," I mutter to myself, turning again to see a different angle of myself, "there's a baby in there."

"They had an appointment time open up for today, but we need to go right now." She quickly gets to her feet and grabs clothes from my dresser, "Meet me downstairs, I'm going to let Heyward know where we're going."

"Don't tell Pope yet." I plead, "I don't want my brother to find out right now, especially since he will run off to tell JJ."

"I won't, honey." She flashes a sad smile at me, "You can tell them when you're ready, but Heyward needs to know what's going on, once we see your doctor we will have to tell Ward as well since he's your legal guardian, but lets take this one step at a time. Either way we're going to help you through this, you won't be alone."

"Okay." I sniffle, my eyes find my body in the mirror again, noticing my shorts look a little snug on me now.

After she disappears out of the door my focus turns to changing into my comfy clothes to go to this scary appointment that is going to make all of this feel ten times more real. My cries are soft when I head downstairs, finding Mama Heyward in the kitchen, she grabs her purse, motioning for me to follow her outside.

It takes my eyes a second to adjust to the bright sun and to who's in front of me. Ocean blue eyes pierce into me while I finally let myself believe who I'm looking at, then my gaze flickers over to my brother and friends, seeing all of them staring at my tear streaked face.

"Come on, honey, we're going to be late." Mama Heyward doesn't cast a glance at my ex boyfriend, but she does give Pope one of her mom looks when he asks what's wrong.

"Okay." I blubber, making myself look like an idiot while I scurry off to follow her.

"Willow wait, I need to talk to you." JJ calls out, my heart breaks when his voice cracks from his emotions poking through, but I don't turn to see his expression, instead I just climb into the car and lean back in my seat.

I can't handle being hurt by him again, not while I'm trying to process the fact that he got me pregnant after using my body like I'm some sex toy. Everything feels like slow motion now, I went through the motions of going into the obgyn's office. I had to pee on another stick which showed the same results, then I was put in a small room, Mama held my hand while the doctor came in, she has gorgeous long black hair that's pulled into a high pony tail, and light freckles along her nose and cheeks.

She smiles and puts hand sanitizer on as she sits down on her swivel chair, "Hi, Ms. Routledge. I'm Dr. Price, how are you today?"

"Scared." I admit, though I'm sure my tear streaked face shows that.

"We're going to do an ultrasound to see how far along you are." Her hand comes up to turn on the screen to the ultrasound machine next to me, "When was your last mensural cycle?"

"Um, let me look, I track them in my phone," I quickly scroll for my app, "Last one was the last week of May, so it's been three months, I had sex for the first time a week or so after that period."

"Been a while then," She presses the gel covered wand to my belly, sliding it around, "well you're definitely pregnant, look at that." She turns the screen, showing us the little baby bean inside of me, "You're measuring around," She clicks a couple buttons for a moment, "10 weeks, but by the dates of your last period you should be measuring around 13 weeks."

"Holy shit." I breathe out, "I'm actually pregnant."

"Does that mean the baby is too small?"

"Baby is behind in growth." Dr. Price responds while my eyes stay on the screen, "In a few weeks you'll be far enough along to see the gender."

"Okay." I glance over at Mama, seeing her reassuring smile, "Is the baby okay though?"

"Lets see here, come on little one, move over a little bit," Dr. Price moves the wand around and clicks a few buttons, "For being small, baby looks healthy and has a strong heartbeat. So right now I'm not too worried about baby being behind, it's still early and you haven't been on prenatals so that could have contributed to the slower growth."

"Prenatals?"

"Yes, they're vitamins," She puts the wand away and grabs something from under the machine, "you get to keep these." She hands me the ultrasound pictures, "You need to start taking prenatals so that your body has the right amount of vitamins for your baby to thrive. I also want you to rest, I'd like to see you next month so we can keep track of babies growth."

"Yes ma'am." I stare at the ultrasound photos while she leaves the room, "I can't do this."

"Yes you can." Mama Heyward squeezes my arm so I'd look at her, "You're going to be a good mom. I'll be right there to help you, I'm sure the Cameron's will as well."

Tears slip down my face, "I did drugs, Mama, well I quit a few weeks ago but still, that's probably why she's so small."

"You didn't know." She tears up with me, "She said the babies healthy, so lets focus on that, okay?"

"I don't know how I'm going to tell JJ, it'll make things worse between us but I can't keep this from him."

"One step at a time. Lets get prenatal vitamins and go home to rest." She leads me out of the doctors office and out to the car while my mind wanders to my ex boyfriend and how he will react to this news.

~~~~~

I've been trying to keep busy for the past few days while I avoid everyone, Pope told me that JJ has something he wants to say to me, but I don't want to face him yet. I'm scared to break the news to him and I'm also scared he will physically hurt me again.

It breaks my heart that things have to be this way; that he never loved me and I'll raise our baby alone.

It really was all a lie, everything I thought we had was a false reality in my head, my needy clingy personality made me think he actually wanted more than my stupid body. I bet he doesn't even like my body, he probably just liked the idea of having unlimited sex without having to put an effort in like he had to do with girls at parties.

He took my virginity like it was some kind of sick game and then found the first out he could take to get away from me. Destroying me in the process. Things weren't supposed to be like this, he was supposed to be the person I could always count on and trust, but he proved that's far from the truth. He's probably back to fucking every beautiful girl that looks his way, while I struggle with even looking at myself in the mirror because my reflection reminds me of the things he lied about loving about me. I was never beautiful to him, I was just a slut that let him have me in ways he shouldn't have.

I hate everything right now.

I never thought he'd abuse me, that he'd cause me pain the way he did. I know bringing his dad into the argument was harsh, but he needed a reality check after grabbing my jaw, which left me bruised for over a week. And I had nail marks on my arms and scratches on my shoulders for days from him slamming me into the tree, not that he'd ever care that he caused all of that, when he saw me at the Country Club he didn't apologize after seeing the marks on me, he fucking walked away. He showed me what he's capable of, that he can be like his dad. That day was the first time I've ever felt true fear, I had no idea how far he'd take it, which makes me even more sad. His dad showed him how to be that way, he has years of trauma from child abuse and he let out that rage on me.

Whatever.

I barely like getting out of bed, but I need to get some fresh air, so I slowly crawl out of bed and pad my way through the dark house after tugging on a hoodie and leggings. The night is quiet while I make my way through the cut, my thoughts are on loop about my life, my tears steadily streaking my face.

My brows furrow when I see both Pope and Kie's cars in the driveway at the Chateau, next I notice twinkling lights in the backyard, when I round the corner of the house my eyes land on JJ, seeing him standing in the middle of an expensive ass hot tub with Pope and Kie wrapping their arms around him, but I can still see the large bruises that cover majority of his torso.

My mind goes clear when I cross the yard and climb into the hot tub, "Babe." I reach out to wrap my arms around him but stop when he looks into my eyes and shakes his head.

"No."

Pain radiates through me from his hands hitting me square in my chest, causing me to fly backwards, "JAY!"

My side slams into the side of the hot tub, making me sob because all I can think about is my baby. My arms cradle my belly while I sink down into the water, ignoring the voice screaming in my ear.

Pope moves to block me, his hand rests on my shoulder, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU JJ?"

"How could you push her?" Kie yells, "She didn't do anything wrong and you know it! Stop being an asshole, I thought you were ready to apologize to her, not hurt her more."

JJ laughs and sways when he steps to the side to look down at me, letting me know he's definitely drunk, "I don't want her to touch me. I've got a new girl now, she's fucking sexy and way better than Willow."

All I can do is stare at him for a long moment, my eyes burning from my salty tears, the pain he's caused me tearing through my chest, the reality that he hurt me while I'm pregnant rips my mind apart.

He really hates me.

"Willow," Pope lowers himself in the water, his hands cup my face, "are you hurt? Did you hit your belly?"

"She told you?" I whisper so only he hears me, "I'm.. I don't know."

"I overheard her talking to my dad yesterday." His eyes fill with tears when I let out another sob, "I'm sorry Willow, how about I take you back to my house?"

"I just want to go lay down in my own bed right now."

"Okay, let's go." He helps me stand up, "Do you want me or Kie to stay here with you."

"No." I sniffle while looking over at my abusive ex boyfriend, "You need to leave, JJ. Don't ever come over here again. And don't go around my brother anymore." I don't look him in the eye after seeing fear in his features, "Go be with your new girlfriend. I'm sure she's perfect and beautiful, probably loves being called Princess, like... like I did. I bet you don't abuse her like you do to me."

After a long moment of silence I move to leave but my body bends over when pain radiates across my stomach, making me cry out in fear. Pope grabs me, his arms snakes around my waist while Kie grabs my arm.

"D-Did I actually hurt you?" JJ tries to caress my face but I flinch, making him recoil his arm away, "I.. I didn't mean.. I, um--"

"Don't touch her again, JJ." Kie brushes past him to help Pope get me out of the water, "Obviously you fucking hurt her, she's crying after hitting the side of the hot tub super hard."

"Pope," My lip quivers, "I want to go see Mama."

"I think you need to go to the emergency room." He looks over his shoulder when JJ lets out a sob behind us, the sound sends me into my own spiral of emotions.

Kie lets me go when we get to Heyward's truck, "I'll stay here to make sure he doesn't drunkenly drown in the hot tub, you've got her right?"

"Yeah, my parents can help me take her to the hospital to get checked out." He shuts my door after I slide into the seat.

My arms cradle my cute little baby bump while we drive through the cut, hoping my sweet baby is still okay. I never should have tried to be there for him, how could I think he'd still want me after this long of being away? He never cared about me. He never loved me. He put his hands on me once again, something I never thought he could do. He always said he could never be like his dad, yet here he is; hurting me for no reason.

I have to protect myself, I can't let him touch me again, I have too much to lose if he tries to hurt me again.

I just want to be happy again.

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