Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Saturday 14

They were at Zayn's apartment, the four of them, with a freshly delivered, steaming hot, greasy Chinese takeaway lain out on the coffee table. Zayn and Liam were sprawled out on the tattered sofa, Niall was sitting on the floor, and Louis occupied the -rather uncomfortable- arm chair that made him have to curl into an awkward position to be able to relax but still eat at the same time. The four, surprisingly, were a group who tended to share the meals they ordered, deeming it much more efficient when Liam never ever finished off the Chow Mein all by himself. They'd ordered a lot, too much probably but Niall would no doubt eat it for breakfast tomorrow, and although Louis knew he'd never be able to eat it all, his stomach lurched each time the white cardboard lid was peeled off of each silver tin. God, it all looked so good.Louis had his reasons for being so hungry, well, kind of. He'd woken up late so had no time to eat and nearly missed his ballet lesson, turning up to it half way through to a disappointed and disapproving glare from Mr. Harbour. With a few of his perfect moves though, Louis had gotten himself back into the teacher's good books soon enough -well, not soon enough because the lesson finished five minutes after the glare had subsided.The young dancer was glad that the teacher hadn't wanted him to make up the extra half an hour because then that meant a whole lot less -okay, it wasn't that much less, but shh- time he could spend with Harry. It wasn't even like they'd planned the day to do something special; it was just spending a day in the piano room. But somehow, the prospect of that was more exciting than doing something extravagant. Simplicity, less is more, fit very snug in Louis' reasoning. He didn't need to do anything outlandish with Harry to be entertained. Just put a piano in the room and they could spend weeks on end in there. Harry would be thrilled with just being able to play such an elegant instrument and be able to lose himself for as long as he liked in his favourite pastime, and Louis would be thrilled with just being able to sit and watch Harry look so happy.They'd done just that: play piano. That was all they did. Well, it was more like Harry playing the piano, Louis looking on in awe and joy and on the off occasion, joining in. Oh, and sneaking in kisses between songs; that was another activity.Somehow, during their time of doing nothing much at all, the two had been so engrossed in the other's company that the small matter of time had slipped their minds. Just after a languid kiss which had lasted longer than most others they had had, a kiss which had left Harry blushing furiously -in embarrassment, lust, or just being overwhelmed, we won't ever know-, Louis had spotted the ticking hands on his tan, thinly strapped, small, wristwatch.It wasn't late, per se, but it had made Louis late. He was supposed to be meeting up with Zayn, Liam, and Niall to have a kick-about around the park, and then back to one of their flats to order a takeaway.That was all supposed to happen an hour ago, probably when Louis had crumbled into a state of trance-like emotions from Harry's expert fingers on the keys. But really, who could blame Louis? The pieces Harry could play were truly hypnotising, especially to Louis. Maybe it was because the older boy was truly in awe of the younger which made everything he did so perfect, but he couldn't think of anyone else he would rather get lost in time with. Louis found it hard to restrain himself from pressing kisses of pride all over the boy's fingers.Through this mesmerisation, Louis had failed to notice the buzzing of his phone that was strewn haphazardly by Harry's satchel. With curses flying from his mouth, he scuttled over to the phone and noted the five unread messages that lay blaring on his home screen. Clearly, the others weren't too bothered that he'd forgotten. Not that that bothered Louis, not in the slightest, it was just how they were. If you were late, you were late, 'nobody really gives a flying fuck' as Zayn would grumble.It's why he was late which worried Louis.So Louis had parted from Harry with a kiss on the lips paired with a tug through his curls. Maybe he'd left the boy with reddened lips and a pleased smile on his face, maybe even a blush on his cheeks; that was a very likely outcome of their goodbye. He made his way over to the three boys he called his best mates with a battle of reluctance and keenness in his chest.

With the greasy food dished out onto chipped plates, Louis' stomach settled contently with every shovel of the unhealthy food into his mouth. The conversation had ceased to mutters, the odd outburst from Niall but that stopping quickly after rice had tumbled from his mouth and all the other boys had cringed away from him in disgust.They were coming to the end of their meal when Niall suddenly let out a booming cackle of laughter. All heads shot towards him, who seemed to be having a whale of a time laughing away by himself. Louis let out a bemused chuckle as Niall set his plate down to pick up his Coke can, but ended up just snorting into the metal cup, the sound reverberating around the room to make it even more obscure."What the fuck are you on, bro?" Zayn said in bafflement."I- just," Niall squeaked, before letting out another giggle. "I was...remember at the game today, when Li skidded into that granny and his face was like right there in her- sorry, sorry, I need to calm down," Niall said, interrupting himself with another round of laughter. Zayn had caught on to what Niall was thinking and had joined in on the reminiscing laughter. Liam was blushing slightly but it was obvious that he was trying to keep the laughter down."What happened?" Louis asked, confused. He wasn't disheartened by the fact that he wasn't included in the joke, more intrigued by it than anything else."Liam went to kick the ball, right? And he like did this lunge, which made him skid all the way over to this granny who was at the edge of the field. And, like, his head was just level with her- what should we call it? - crotch? And oh my God, his face was priceless."Louis laughed at the mental image, a mocking laugh at Liam in slight, which earned him a lunge from over the room from the victim boy and a cuff to the head."You should've come, man, it would've been good," Zayn said to Louis once they'd all settled down, a giddy smile on his lips.Louis stuttered, "I-I know, I just...got a little held up, that was all. Lost track of time and all that."Niall scrunched his face up, "what were you even doing? I mean, I don't care that you missed it but, like, I'm just curious."Of course, things couldn't stay under wraps for too long. None of them had asked him anything to do with his whereabouts when he first entered, making him feel a wash of relief. But now that had all gone down the drain with Niall's casual question.You'd think after the park incident that Louis would be able to freely say Harry's name in front of the three, but somehow that wasn't the case. He'd thought of him bringing the boy up in conversation many a time, imagining the name rolling off his tongue, but for some reason it wasn't as easy to put it into practice. With having to guard the name like it was the most expensive emerald in the world for a long time, he'd gotten so used to keeping the name locked behind his teeth that releasing it into open air seemed so much more risky than it actually was, so much more damaging like the air would dissolve such beauty into grey dust."Wait- were you with that mute lad?" Liam thought aloud. His tone wasn't accusing or condescending, which in some way was a relief, but it was void of emotions which somehow made it a lot worse. Was he judging him behind that calm exterior? He vaguely noticed the other two heads turning to face him but he took no notice. Instead, he focussed on the TV which was turned on, casting different shades of light through the room, but the sound at a low murmur which made it irrelevant in the room. It was suddenly the most relevant thing to Louis, it seemed."I- I was just...I mean...yeh"Subconsciously, Louis' eyes had trailed from the TV to the plate on his lap. His fingers had found the fork and were directing it around the plate in a daze-like motion. He was pushing around the scraps of rice and chicken uninterestedly, his eyes blank.Why did he have to react like that? Why did he have to go all awkward and crawl into his shell as soon as he said it? Why couldn't he have just said 'yes, I was' straight outright?He shouldn't have had to stutter it out; he should've been able to pronounce their friendship like it was the easiest thing to say in the world. But somehow he couldn't, and he hated that more than anything. He wasn't ashamed of their friendship in the slightest. Maybe beforehand he was wary of it on the basis of what his friends' reactions would be, but now he thought nothing like that. It was an untold rule in his mind that he wouldn't bring Harry up in conversation because the lads obviously weren't best pleased. But that didn't mean, when asked, he couldn't talk about him. What was wrong with him?It was silent for a good few minutes, everyone in contemplation. Louis didn't dare to look up from his plate, from shame or fear; he wasn't sure. (Shame from his stammering reply, not being ashamed of Harry; may that be known)Zayn, of course it was Zayn, was the one to tear the cloak of tension which seemed to drape over the room unknowingly. With a cough and a readjustment of himself -for dominance or self-confidence- on the sofa, the boy cleared his throat."Look, you've got to let us know what's going on because as far as I remember, you don't blow us off-""I didn't blow you off!" Louis exclaimed defensively, looking from his plate to Zayn. "I just lost track of time; it's not like I meant to! And it wasn't even important anyway, like, it was only a footy match; you never normally care, why do you care now?" Louis' eyes narrowed in on Zayn accusingly."I care now because it's to do with that fuc-"Liam interrupted Zayn quickly. "Zayn," he said warningly. "We said we weren't going to say that, alright?"The raven-haired boy growled in annoyance, rubbing his hands over his face in frustration. "Look, mate. I just don't understand how come you're spending all your time with him when I thought it was nothing serious?""I'm not spending all my time with him..." Louis said resignedly, placing his plate on the floor and picking at a loose thread on the cushion."Well it's a little suspicious when you're spending as much time away from us as you would with a boyf-" Zayn's eyes widened, his jaw dropping in slight to part his lips. Louis watched with wide eyes as he breathed in deeply, clenching his jaw. "Tell me, Lou. Y'got a secret boyfriend you've not been telling us about?" Zayn's eyes were wide and patronising, judging.Louis' mind stalled. The racing track of thoughts in his mind's tarmac floor melted into gummy gloop, sticking his thoughts in their place in a millisecond. He could feel his body freeze uncontrollably.The fact that his body froze was only a crumb of what annoyed Louis. The fact his body shut down at the mention of him having a boyfriend, of him having to admit everything, set frustration lurking in his veins. He wasn't ashamed, Goddammit, so why was his body acting like he was?He could do this. He could tell them and it'd all be fine. He wanted to show Harry off, he wanted to hold his hand and let the boys meet him, maybe change their thoughts about him. There wasn't a problem; it was just a simple word: yes. Then after that, when they questioned him on whom, he would calmly say 'Harry'. He'd smile, like he always did when he thought or talked about Harry. A little tug at the lips, maybe even a traitor blush dusting over his cheeks. They'd ask why him, why the mute boy. Louis would tell him that they wouldn't ever understand, but just to know that he really liked this boy and he wanted to keep him for as long as the other wanted him. To him, it didn't matter about his lack of speech, because Harry in general made up for that. He'd tell them with pride. Because he was so proud of himself that he'd found such a gem as Harry."N-no."Wait, what?Louis choked it out, not even realising he'd spluttered the words out until afterwards. He knew his face was covered in panic, inside he could feel mixing emotions of blaring colours fighting against each other.How had that just come out? It wasn't meant to come out like that at all. It was supposed to be a bloody big YES, not a dowdy little no. He was geared up to say yes; all he wanted to do was scream out his relationship and tell everyone that he was dating the most perfect boy he'd ever seen. But for unknown reasons, his voice seemed to have different ideas. It thought that saying that Harry was the boy he was dating wasn't an option.If he'd just said, it'd have all been out in the open; it'd all have been over. He wouldn't have had to fight against himself like he had to (well, he didn't have to)."Really, Lou? You expect me to believe that?" Zayn said skeptically. "Do you have a boyfriend?"Now was his chance, now Louis could just say he was being a dick before and that he did have someone that was so special to him."No, I don't."Okay, so that wasn't really what he was going for; but technically, he could've been answering Zayn's earlier question about believing him. Zayn knew him like the back of his hand, so of course Louis didn't expect him to believe him; more importantly, he didn't want him to believe him."No you don't expect me to believe it? Or no you don't have a boyfriend?""I don't..." c'mon Louis, just say it for fucks sake, "...have a boyfriend"Louis was a second away from slapping himself. His mouth seemed to have a total different mind to his, obviously not working, normal mind. Louis just wanted to bellow out that it was an option to say that he had a boyfriend; actually, it was the only option. He wasn't ashamed of Harry, not in the slightest, but for some reason he struggled saying the simplest of words. All because of his stupid mouth which ran off with itself at the most inconvenient of times."My God, Lou. Do you not understand that I can read you like a fucking book? You're lying to me; just tell me that you've got a fucking boyfriend!"Louis could tell that Zayn was getting frustrated; hell, Louis was frustrated at himself too. Every cell in his body was aware of it, but somehow his voice decided to squeak a little "no" out. His back had slumped down in the chair so his shoulders were level with the armrest, his body hunched and legs having to curl in on his chest. He could almost feel a burn at the back of his eyes, the itch from how annoyed he was at himself. He couldn't stop it, he didn't understand why. It wasn't alcohol, he didn't have that to blame. So what was it?Fear? But how could fear change how he was acting like alcohol did? Alcohol was influential, fear was just an emotion. Wasn't it?Louis failed to notice Zayn approaching him, bending down to tower over Louis dauntingly."What's his name, Louis?" Zayn's voice didn't have a threatening undertone to it, albeit it was a little harsh, but it wasn't too frightening. Stern was the most relating word, not much softness weaved through his speech but a little less spite."I-I'm not telling you..." Louis stuttered. "Just tell- wait, so you're admitting that there is someone?""I...n-n-...ye-..I""Fuck, Lou. We've been best friends for all our lives, why can't you just tell me?" Louis looked up from his lap and into Zayn's eyes. He hadn't meant to connect his blue orbs with the hazels of Zayn's, but somehow he was drawn to them. They were soft, but not hurt. Zayn didn't really do hurt, not in a vast amounts anyway."I-I know, you're my brother, Zayn-" Louis dropped Zayn's gaze and focussed them behind the boy and onto the wall behind them which was scattered with oversized photos from nights out."Then just tell me his name!"Without a pause between, Zayn's frustrated words, no little than a few milliseconds, Louis blurted out in exclamation: "Aiden Grimshaw!"Zayn stalled, "Aiden Grimshaw? You're dating Aiden Grimshaw?"Louis stayed frozen, stunned that he'd just blurted out said name randomly. He'd just said that Aiden Grimshaw was his boyfriend. Aiden Grimshaw.He only took in the photo he was staring intensely at when his eyes refocused, blur becoming clear. The photo showed Louis' arm slung around Aiden's shoulders, a drunken grin over his lips and the other boy smiling with similar intoxication. The flash on the camera had brightened their skin to whiter than Louis' usual tan, inverting the photo a little, and the background behind was practically all black. It wasn't the most attractive of Louis' photos, but it was decent enough to be placed upon the 'Wall of Friends' as Niall titled it.

Aiden was...eccentric. He was bubbly, but awkward at the same time. Hilarious, sarcasm not being the full extent of his humour. He could be loud, especially when he was drunk, but he mainly just made his way around Uni rather quietly. He was a silent popular; someone who had bounds of friends but wasn't ever thought to be as a main icon in some music classes. A 'dark horse' could be his nickname, although when you thought of Aiden all you thought of was brightcolourfuljoyful.He was attractive, of course he was. He was tall and lanky, not that that overly large quiff did him any favours in his height compared to Louis'. He had bright, gleaming eyes, which normally hid behind a pair of thickly black rimmed glasses that reeled off a movie of emotions whenever the boy got even a little bit emotional. It was a surprise that Matt didn't realise sooner.Speaking of Matt, that's how Louis first found himself on Aiden's lips. The two had known each other since the start of Uni, but were never really that close. Aiden was studying Recording and Producing, something he wanted to take on in the future, so Louis didn't see him except outside of classes, outside of Uni time.Parties were their main meeting source. Whichever party Louis was invited to, it seemed that Aiden was always invited too. After spotting each other too many times on several occasions, the two boys finally became acquainted over a bad game of beer pong.So their friendship had been steady for a year or so, not exactly blossoming but growing at the tips every time they met.But then came Matt. Matt Cardle, with his perfect fucking teeth that were too perfect for Louis to even acknowledge them being real.Their meetings at the loud, thumping parties had turned into sobbing fests -on Aiden's part- over how perfect the older man was, and how desperate the quirky boy was to tell him that he'd fallen deeply in love with him. After around seven of said meetings, Louis had decided to put a stop to it. He'd spoken to Aiden -thankfully without any more drunken tears- and told him to think of a plan, a plan to win Matt. He gave him a week and a half, the approximate time until the next party, to think of the best plan he could imagine.Jealously. That's all that Aiden had come back with.So somehow, with the help of Aiden's big puppy dog eyes, he had found himself agreeing to become Louis Tomlinson, fake boyfriend of Aiden Grimshaw.He'd told the boys, which had resulted in him getting a punch in the balls from Liam who was saying, "That is the stupidest fucking idea that I have ever heard." Zayn hadn't really passed comment, just telling him to do the fuck he wanted. He teased him about it a few weeks into their 'relationship', Louis' situation finally sinking in. Niall just laughed, finding the whole thing hilarious. He had claimed that he was going to make sure the two had to have as many awkward 'kisses' as possible, just to see Louis squirm. It wasn't that Louis didn't like Aiden, he did, but he wasn't attracted to him, as such. Of course he was a red blooded male and Aiden was a fine looking lad, but he'd gotten so close to the boy that kissing him just seemed the weirdest of things to do.It had worked though, so all the mocking he had gained for being such a pushover was worth it. Matt had gotten jealous after a month and a half and, in turn, started despising of Louis. This led to an awkward talk between Matt and Aiden, the older saying, "Louis isn't right for you, you're not alike at all. You're chalk and cheese. You're mellow and he's wild. You're quirky and he's just weird. You're calm and he's just mad." Thankfully, Aiden had stopped him babbling as he started chuntering on about Louis being a Chihuahua and Aiden being a Great Dane; Louis didn't think too deeply into that one.We'll not delve into how Matt had ended up leaving Aiden to go on a trip around the world to pursue his music, and we won't delve into how Louis had somehow found himself at the receiving end of Aiden's rebound sex; the point is, is that Louis and Aiden technically had a history, and it was a wonder whether that history was going to be repeated all over again.

It wasn't meant to happen like that; he wasn't meant to say that name. He was supposed to say Harry, Harry Styles. Harry Edward Styles. Harry Perfect Edward Styles. Harry Amazing Perfect Edward Styles. Harry Beautif- Okay, we get the picture.Actually, Louis was meant to say yes in the first place, but things obviously weren't going to plan for the Northern lad. He could already feel regret pooling in his heart, that heavy lump at the bottom of his throat which lingered for days and days usually, a reminder of the stupid actions Louis had made. He could almost sense the burning that would start in his ears, creep up the veins in his neck and form a puddle of suffocating, deafening itches. They'd leak inside his ear, burning into his mind and running around every crevice in his brain until he was fully overcome by everything regretful in what he had done.It was sickening. What he'd done was disgusting, horrendous, heinous -any other word with negative connotations about how despicable he'd acted. He'd acted out in blind confusion of what his body was doing, and he didn't know how he could ever rectify it. He didn't even want to think about the consequences just yet; the thought made a bubbling lava curdle in the pit of his stomach.And anyway, Louis hadn't spoken to Aiden in at least a month; how the hell was he supposed to convince the boys that he knew Aiden inside out when he didn't even know how he was doing?"Wasn't he the one you had a fake relationship with?" Liam said with furrowed brows.Fake relationship. Fake. It was all fake. His words were fake. His boyfriend -imaginary one this is, not his real one- was fake. They thought he was going out with someone he'd pretended to go out with years prior. It was fake then and it was fake now, but they didn't know that. Louis didn't like Aiden then, he'd made that clear throughout the whole debacle, and he sure as hell didn't like him now. How come they hadn't realised that?It was obvious. If Louis was having so much trouble telling them that it was Aiden, surely that would've made it a tad suspicious? And add that to the fact he'd already been in a fake relationship with the boy, it was a clear that his words were definitely lies...right?"Oh my God, I love Aiden! Congrats, Lou!" Niall beamed, bouncing up from his seat and bounding over to Louis with a huge grin on his lips.Clearly, it wasn't that obvious.Louis turned to burying his face in his hands, curled into his body. He was humiliated. It wasn't supposed to happen like this, not at all. During the course of the few seconds that lay silent after Louis' exclamation, Louis had decided that even though he'd just fucked things up by saying the wrong name (Louis would've chuckled at the thought that it was slightly similar to Ross saying the wrong name at his wedding in Friends, if only he hadn't been practically punching himself on the inside), he still had a chance to get out. He had an escape route and he'd come up with a sudden plan to save himself. The boys were going to work out that it was fake based on their past fake relationship, and all would be well. He'd tell them that it was Harry and then the boys would be shocked, but eventually be happy for him. Because he was happy with Harry.It didn't work like that, obviously.Unbeknownst to him, Louis had started muttering, chanting if you like, under his breath a repetitive string of "no"'s. His mouth evidently wasn't done with running away with itself, and it didn't want to switch off the separate mind that it was using to ruin his everything.He felt a hand rest on the top of his back, in between his shoulder blades. "Hey, Lou, what's wrong? This is good, isn't it?" Zayn's tone was caring and soft. Zayn was the best at filling the brother role; he could be the best comforter around when he wanted to be. He cared for Louis more than anyone else in the world -bar his actual family- and Louis felt the same way back. They'd do anything for each other."I wasn't supposed to say that. No, this isn't good, this is fucking shit," Louis strained."Oh c'mon, Aiden's a great lad. We like him, you know that, don't worry.""I wasn't supposed to say that, fuck, I shouldn't have said that. I wasn't meant to say that," Louis was sure he sounded like a nutcase, spurting out random words as his mind was slowly connecting back with his mouth. These were words he was saying in his normal mind, but they weren't supposed to come out. Maybe when he was alone, where he could beat himself up over them, but not in front of the main causes for this problem. But wasn't it good that he was admitting it? That he was coming to terms with everything and was telling them, indirectly, that he had lied?It was complicated, too complicated."Say what, mate?""I wasn't supposed to say his name," Louis spluttered out, hands still covering his face and killing his voice to a muffled murmur.Zayn's thumb was rubbing comforting circles on his back, caring for him. "Why not?""B-because it's not right. I'm not supposed to. It's wrong. It's not h-hi-" Louis went to say that it wasn't him, it was someone else. Someone called Harry, not Aiden. He said the wrong thing, that was all, and it wasn't right of him to do so. The name wasn't right, it was all wrong.But instead, he somehow ended up saying "-how I was supposed to tell you, we were going to tell you together."He rolled the words off in a bluster of syllables which blended together. It was like his mind was pushing them off his tongue with the world's fastest runner behind, pushing at lightning speed. Like it was eager to get them out, desperate to ruin it all."Oh, Lou. That's alright! I'm sure he won't mind," Zayn consoled. Louis couldn't reply; he was biting his lip so hard that that metallic flavour flooded his mouth. It stung poignantly. Louis deserved it.Niall cackled shamelessly, "Anyway, you can make it up to him through a blowjob!"And all this time, they seemed to have forgotten about the curly haired boy. But Louis hadn't.

Sunday 14Louis' tongue felt like a heavy weight in his mouth, a weight covered in scratchy sandpaper. His head had a dull ache circulating throughout, a heavy thump as he sat up disorientated. His eyes were blurred and out of focus, but the creak in his back indicated that he had definitely not slept in his bed that night. His bed for the night was more like his kitchen floor, which was sticky with clinging gloop that made him have to peel his hands away slowly to even just move slightly.He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, the front being disgustingly gluey. He looked around, sun blinding him momentarily, and took in the state of the kitchen. It was just the same as normal, bar the spillage on the floor and the two empty clear bottles of, wait, what was that?- vodka. Clearly, Louis had been on a warpath and that alcoholic beverage seemed the most pleasing in whatever state he had been in. He didn't want to think about what had happened to make him like that, well, not until he had boiling coffee burning his throat and mind back into sense.His coffee making was full of stumbles and clatters, but eventually he had collapsed onto the nearest kitchen chair with a steaming mug of coffee in front of him. The smell was already awakening his senses, and thank God it was because he couldn't stand the fuzz over his eyes any longer.The burning liquid scolded his throat as he swallowed it, the harsh taste combating his stale alcohol addled mind. He didn't push his thoughts along to quicken his retrieval of whatever bad had happened the day before; he left them to gradually return to him as he sat staring into thin air.As each and every detail pooled into his mind, more blocks of regret and hatred kept being piled on top of the other until it was eventually towering unsteadily from the bottom of his spine to the top of his throat. It was then, as Louis contemplated his disgraceful actions, that he noticed the burning at the pit of his stomach. Whether he passed it off as hurt and annoyance at himself before, he certainly couldn't pass it off as that now. With it rising rapidly, he stumbled from the chair and tipped his head over the sink just in time to release the contents of his stomach. Maybe he reacted like that because of the amount of alcohol he had consumed, but Louis wasn't stupid; he was disgusted at his actions and his body reacted in a way it would with a nasty disease.After a swig of water to wash that horrible acidic taste from his mouth, Louis dropped his head onto his arms which were clutching at the side of the counter as if their life depended on it. His eyes were tight shut, squeezed with force to dispel the thoughts of what he had done away. With no prevail, he cursed to himself, "Fuck."He couldn't be a coward; he had to face up to what had happened, even if it was just to his thoughts. He couldn't pretend it never happened, not to himself anyway. He needed to think it through, maybe try and figure out why in hell he had said those ridiculous things.After he left Zayn's, earlier than planned, he'd numbly made his way to back to his own flat and sat in his living room, motionless, for a good twenty minutes. He'd just sat there, staring, breathing, silent, numb. He couldn't seem to register everything that had happened, it was all a blur.Had he really just said that his boyfriend was Aiden fucking Grimshaw? Had he just denied that he was dating Harry? Had actually been that much of a prick?The answer was yes.And so that led him to trundling along to Aiden's house, a lethargic stumble in his step, to tell his old friend that they were now in a relationship. Seemed simple enough, right?Maybe not.It took a lot of explaining to the boy who had answered the door in his pyjamas, a wooly hat on his head, scarf around his neck, and gloves covering his fingers which gripped onto a mug of steaming soup. Louis had chosen not to question the outdoor attire being worn inside and passed it off as Aiden's weird ways, but as he set his foot in the house he soon came to realise that the warm clothes were necessary. The heating had broken, supposedly, so Aiden had to walk around like a, I quote, "fucking polar bear wrapped in a bloody bear which is already wearing a zebra's coat". Those were the kind of things Louis would have to get used to, somehow.His intention first was to discuss it with Aiden, get his view on things. He didn't mention that he'd blurted out Aiden's name, just said he said someone else's. Aiden was a bit dumbfounded at first, not sure on what to say. But soon enough, he had the situation understood and was trying to break it down with Louis.As time went on and the discussion became deeper, Louis turned a little, how should we put it, emotional? If you class emotional as shuddery breaths leading into broken sobs, then yes, emotional was probably the right word. He kept blurting out how he was so angry with himself, how he hated himself so much. He told the other boy about what had happened before, how he didn't know why he'd done any of it. Aiden just listened. He was a sponge, as such. He soaked in all the blubbery words and tears and when Louis needed him to console him, he squeezed out words of wisdom to the boy.He wasn't so much as angry when Louis blubbered out that it was Aiden who he said he was dating. He was calmer than Louis had expected, conjuring up images of Aiden telling him to fuck off because he couldn't go through with having to fake-date him again. Aiden told him that it was fine, that he didn't mind. It was like he was repaying the debt that he owed to Louis for what he made him do last time; so it wasn't a big deal.His only concern, however, was how it would affect Louis and Harry's relationship. Obviously Louis wasn't going to tell Harry, because then that meant telling him about the disliking grudge his friends had against him; so that wasn't an issue. It was the guilt that worried Aiden the most. He knew Louis would be eaten up by it eventually, if not rather soon into it. It wasn't like they had to do anything or even act couple-y, so it wasn't like he was cheating, per se. For all intents and purposes, Aiden had to lecture him on the risks he was taking just to keep his friends happy. He told him that if Harry found out, it would all be over for him. He knew Louis wouldn't -couldn't- choose between the two, because both meant the world to him; but he had to know that what he was doing might end up hurting someone.It hadn't helped all that much, talking to Aiden. Of course it'd settled the side of things which were to do with the boy, but it didn't really help the guilt that was coursing through his veins. His eyes were rimmed red and his cheeks were stained with dried tears clinging to his skin and pulling up pink all over them. He looked a state. When he was weeping drastic measures like "I want to die" in a dramatic whine, it was getting too late for Aiden to deal with. He could only cope with a certain amount of wailing, and he had to get up earlier than he'd like the next day so he couldn't really be dealing with an emotional wreck at that time. When Louis was acting like he was, he was particularly loud. His wails were pitchy and nasally, and his dramatic remarks were so over the top that they turned stupid.So, with that in mind, he'd shoved two bottles of Vodka in Louis' arms and sent him back home to drown his sorrows in a much quieter way.That's how Louis found himself collapsed on the kitchen floor and hungover. He was sure that it was past midday; he would never wake up so early with a hangover unless he was forced to, and the emotional strain from last night would've made him even more exhausted. The buzzing of his phone was relentless, but he didn't have the energy to reach for it in its place at the opposite end of the room, lying aimlessly on the floor.With another swig of water to wash down the two Paracetemol he had just the amount of energy to reach, he shuffled over to his phone and with a groan, picked it up. With unfocussed eyes, he stared at the screen which displayed a few unread messages and made his way through to his living room.Replying half-heartedly to Zayn's text, and sending an apologetic but thankful reply to Aiden's; he turned to the four which Harry had left, guilt curdling in his stomach.

From: Harry (9:46)Gooooood morning, good morning, doo doo doo doo doo (That was that song, I can't remember who it's by but it's an old one). Xxx

From: Harry (11:02)Loooouis. I'm presuming you're still asleep, yeh? Xxx

From: Harry (12:35)Get your lazy arse out of bed right now mister! I want to speak to you. Not that I have anything to tell you, but I just miss speaking to you that's all xxx

From: Harry (12:37)Was that too cheesy? The whole missing you thing? I mean, I know it's been like a day or something (Okay, I know it's been less than a day, smartarse) but, idk, I just miss hearing you, that's all. You're my only source of entertainment while Mum drags me around the shops. Did you know, that supposedly, women get up at 7 in the morning to get ready to go shopping?! Astonishing, I know. Thankfully she didn't wake me up and force me to get dressed too early, but still, I find it abominable. Anyway, enough of my blathering, text me when you can, love. Xxx

Of course Harry had to be so adorable cute that Louis just wanted to smother him in a massive hug and pepper his face with small kisses, he had to be like that when Louis felt worse than he ever had before. It was a horrible feeling, an abhorrent and sickening feeling, but Louis knew he deserved it. He couldn't face the perfect boy when he felt like he did, when he was still in loathing over what he had done. It wasn't like he was suddenly going to be okay with how he had acted, but the wounds were too fresh and adding Harry into the mix would be like rubbing salt on the openings.

To: Harry (12:43)Hey, sorry for the late reply, you were right, I have only just woken up. But I'm up now, although I think I'll probably go back to bed in two minutes because I feel awful. I'm not exactly up to talking, my head is throbbing and I just want to sleep it off; forgive me? :( xxxx

From: Harry (12:44)You're sick? Oh Lou, I wouldn't have texted you as much if I'd known, sorry! I feel like such prick, I'm so sorry :( xxx

To: Harry (12:46)Oh no, Haz! Don't be like that, seriously, it's nice that you care! Don't apologise, you've got nothing at all to apologise for. Please, don't. I'm sorry I can't cure your boredom xxxx

From: Harry (12:48)You just go and sleep off your headache, okay? I'll speak to you later, get well soon Lou xxxx

Louis whined out loud at Harry's apologies and acceptance. The boy was so sweet and caring and in normal circumstances, Louis would appreciate those qualities, but not when they made him feel so much worse than he already did. He wasn't lying when he said he was ill, because he was -even if it was just a hangover- so that didn't add onto his worries, but it seemed like such a pathetic excuse of a cover up. He didn't want to talk to Harry because of his own doings, and he was using his hangover as a shield. He knew he should just buckle up and face the boy, but instead he hid behind that throb in his head.He was such a coward.

Monday 14Monday came around quicker than expected, especially when Louis had spent all Sunday moping around his house between random sleeps. It wasn't as if he'd sorted out his mind, decided what to do; everything was still as confusing as ever. He still didn't know how to sort things out without hurting his best friends or boyfriend -maybe even both.It wasn't too much, maybe an extra sprinkle, but Louis had felt guilty for not speaking to Harry for the rest of Sunday after he'd woken up. Because of this, in a rush of self-belief in his ability of ignorance towards events and emotions, Louis had dropped Harry a text late at night to say that he was going to pick Harry up from school the next day.Pushing aside everything and focusing on the day ahead, Louis was just shy of nervous.It was just his second time going to Harry's school, but this time it was different. Last time it was with purpose to support Harry and make sure he was okay, but this time was with no real purpose at all. Of course he wasn't going to embarrass Harry and wait right outside the gates like a doting mother at the end of a child's first day, but still, students would pass him by. He wasn't arrogant when he thought that they'd know who he was, because some wouldn't give a fuck, but some might remember him from the talent show and he wasn't sure how they'd react to that. There'd been judgemental eyes in their direction and it was more the effect that those eyes would have on Harry which worried Louis more. He didn't want to be an embarrassment or a hindrance to his boyfriend.The sun was blaring down on the glass of his car windows, heating the car up inside like he were a ready meal. The breeze which was making the trees sway was so inviting as the heat slipped in between the denim jacket which covered his arms and his tanned skin. As he waited down the street from the school, with a few minutes until the end of school, he couldn't resist stepping out of his car to lean at the front. He was aware that it might've looked cliché, especially when the collar of his jacket just had to be turned up or else it'd look too soft of an outfit, but he wasn't too bothered because at least he wasn't surrounded by sweltering heat. At least he wasn't trying to show off his car, nobody would show off a rusty Nissan Micra, anyway. His dark blue and white stripy t-shirt was a godsend when the breeze blew harder, causing little specks of cool air to filter through to his chest and settle in his pores. His hands were in his pockets but one kept reaching out to thread through his hair, pushing up that one little piece which always fell too close to his eyes.He heard the chatter before he saw the throngs of students filing out. He could see them making their separate ways at the top of the road where the school gates stood, some crossing the road, some going left, some going right. It was a mass of black and white, a sight that Louis didn't see that often. It had been years since he had had to wear said type of uniform, and he wasn't complaining. Having to wear a restraining tie which had two uncomplimentary stripes wound through was never his favourite part of school, and seeing the boys all pulling them loose made him remember that feeling of relief.It wasn't until he heard loud bounds of boyish laughter that he cracked out of his daze. He looked over to the sidewalk, noticing a group of boys pushing each other in a boisterous, playful manner. He remembered those times with a discreet smile on his face; they were all part of The Good of school. As his gaze roamed over them in nothing but wonder and boredom, he noticed a familiar head of curls hovering behind.Louis' blue eyes zeroed in on them and finally spotted the recognizable green eyes of Harry's, a comforting sight. Louis was quick in wondering why Harry was with the laddish boys, standing behind them with an expression that Louis couldn't see. It wasn't like Harry was part of that group, from what he could see and from what he knew from previous conversations, and it wasn't like he was being forced either -so that disposed of the flash of worry that Harry was being bullied.As the boys walked at snail's pace forwards, Louis realised that Harry was fidgeting and bouncing awkwardly on his toes each time the boys stopped to wrestle with each other. The curly mop rose onto his tiptoes, his eyes darting around the surrounding area. From the distance he was away, Louis could still see the way Harry's eyes lit up when he saw him and he could finally see the whole of Harry's face; the way he grinned such a toothy grin may have damaged Louis' heart a little. And no, of course the little bite that Harry made on his bottom lip when Louis raised his hand to wave didn't do anything at all to Louis, nothing in the slightest, not even making him shift his stance a little to accommodate himself.Louis tilted his head in a gesturing motion to the car, beckoning Harry along. But Harry shrugged, his face scrunching up in distaste as his eyes flickered to the group of boys halting his walking. Louis noticed that Harry was trying to edge by, but with the large group taking up the whole pathway he couldn't squeeze by. Harry probably had that problem a lot; he didn't look like it was a rarity to happen when he looked over at Louis. It was a saddening thought the fact that Harry couldn't even ask to move past the group, and Louis wondered whether he'd ask even if he had a voice, whether he'd be too shy to excuse himself by.Eventually, Harry extracted himself from the crowd and walked -with a spritely spring in his step- over to Louis, a smile not being able to leave his lips. Louis took the time to take in Harry's appearance; his shirt was tucked messily into his black skinny jeans -accentuating his long torso which made Louis' insides squirm with heat-, his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, showing off the white skin of Harry's forearms, and that brown satchel hanging off his shoulder. The sight was, well, Louis couldn't not admit the heat which coiled in his stomach from seeing Harry's so dishevelled. When Harry started pulling at his tie, unwinding it from his neck with ease, Louis found it very hard to control his imagination from placing Harry in his bedroom.Louis stood still as Harry walked closer to him, not sure on what to do. He wanted to go and press his lips to Harry's but it wasn't like the students at school knew about Harry's sexuality. Although he wasn't hiding it, they hadn't bothered to find out so Harry didn't know how they would react. Louis didn't want to overstep the mark.Harry, instead, took the lead and walked into Louis' arms which were bent from his hands being stuck in his pockets. With a bit of a fumble, Louis pulled his hands out and wrapped them around Harry in a hug, meaning to pull away a few seconds in but halting when Harry's face cuddled into his neck."You okay?" Louis mumbled. Harry nodded into Louis' neck and pulled away, a bright smile on his pinked lips. "C'mon, we better brace this car. I'm warning you now, you might die from how stuffy it is in there," Harry chuckled and made his way to the passenger seat, wafting the air and coughing overdramatically when he ducked into the car.Once they'd settled into the seats and wound the windows down, Louis turned to Harry to see the boy sinking into the seat with a smile. He looked comfortable, settled. A pang of guilt struck through Louis' chest as he saw Harry so happy in his presence, so unaware of the battle Louis was having. He wished it could be as simple as Harry thought it was, and it could've been if Louis hadn't been so damn cowardice.Maybe the guilt was there because Harry didn't know, because he thought it was all fine. He hated keeping Harry in the dark, not telling him everything. The only secrets he kept were those of the drama surrounding yesterday and that night at the club all those weeks ago, and he hated that they were even there. Their relationship was supposed to be secret free, and the fact Louis was the one breaking that made him want to curl up and hide away forever.His guilt-ridden trance was broken by Harry's hand waving in front of his face. Louis shook his head of the thoughts, wanting to think of harry and not harrywhoIliedabout.Can we go for a milkshake? I really want a strawberry one, I've been fancying one all day and the ones at school taste like shit"Oh- yeh, sure." Louis gulped, "There's a cafe down the road, right?" Harry nodded in agreement.Louis shuffled in his seat and turned the keys in the ignition. Just as he was about to start the car into its rumbling state, Harry's hand rested on his thigh to halt him.Before we go, can I just do one thing?The younger boy's lips were lined with a cheeky yet hesitant smirk, and Louis looked at him with a curious stare. Harry unclipped his seatbelt and shuffled in his seat so he was practically sitting on the handbrake. Louis was silent still as Harry's big hands slipped behind his neck and cradled the back of his head. His breathing was deep and difficult as Harry initiated the intimate moment. Slowly, Harry inched forward and pressed his lips against Louis'. It wasn't as if they hadn't kissed before, but it sent a spark of lust through Louis' body when Harry was the one to instigate it.After Harry had moved his lips the sufficient amount to fulfil his need, he shuffled back into his seat and clipped his seatbelt in, a quiet, content smile on his lips. Louis started the engine and pulled off from the kerb, silent. Louis could see Harry scribbling on the pad of paper out of the corner of his eye, licking his lips subtly.Harry said that Louis's lips tasted like strawberry laces, all Louis could taste on his own lips was guilt.o