Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Saturday 5

Louis' head dipped down as he walked through the reception, hiding himself from reality. His grey beanie snuggled his head, covering his - in Louis' books - recklessly untouched mop of brown hair that was left limp. The strands felt foreign and heavy on Louis' head as of their lack of thick gel which was normally wound through them to create the masterpiece that was, basically, sex hair.His skin felt worn and his limbs felt languid. The tanned flesh that covered his body felt, for the first time in a long while, dry and coarse, something usually stopped by his weekly moisturising on Sunday. What could he say, he liked to not only look nice, but feel nice too, regardless of how 'gay' he sounded, he still had to make sure he looked preened to perfection.He was sure he had dark purple bags under his eyes, that this time he hadn't bother to hide by his secret stash of foundation. Even if he had covered up the evident tiredness he felt, the dragging of his feet and wilted hang of his arms would've betrayed his pretence. He didn't have the energy to lift his limbs even an inch off the ground, so instead he chose to scrape the light soles of his shoes on the flooring and slowly make his way around, the rough scuffle of his dragging following him around as a reminder of his awfully drained state of mind.The problem was that Louis couldn't make up his mind. He couldn't decide whether it was the right thing to come in search of Harry, or not. He wasn't even sure if Harry would turn up, and the thought of that sinking feeling when he didn't turn up again was utterly disheartening. Nevertheless, Louis had somehow persuaded himself that even if Harry didn't show up, then at least he'd have a final answer on the question which had been circulating his cluttered mind for the past week.Had he fucked it all up, before it had even began?What 'it' was, Louis hadn't even decided himself. And if he was honest, it wasn't on his list of priorities just yet. The first thing he had to do in relation to the curly haired boy was smooth things out with him, except that was harder said than done when the boy wouldn't give him the opportunity to do so.

Saturday 4

It wasn't as if Louis couldn't walk the short distance from Liam's flat to the dance room in the Uni building, he just really couldn't be bothered. The night before had drained any energy from him, especially the fact he'd drank himself into an oblivion soon after Anne had driven Harry away. He'd watched the silver vehicle trundle down the road, heard the engine roar at first but settle into a boring murmur, smelt that rusty fume infect the air and felt the collapse of his heart in his body.It took him a small while for the situation to sink into his pores, to wrap around his cells and suffocate his mind. When the cogs in his brain started clinking, turning slowly in relation to what he could've done to make it all better, not to fuck it all up, he made a beeline for the pub down the road to drench his thoughts in alcohol.The next morning he woke up in an unfamiliar bed, well it was unfamiliar at first, then he realised it was Liam's squishy mattress. His head was banging; it felt like there was someone on the inside hammering on the walls of his head and pumping heavy fumes to make him light headed. As soon as his eyes cracked open, they clamped tight shut. The bright light of the morning sun was blinding and he couldn't be bothered to fight the annoying sting it caused to shoot through him.Primarily, he didn't know why he woke up so early, and he didn't know how he did, too, what with the tiredness coaxing him back in rather quickly after waking. However, soon enough, four bangs on the door reminded him that he was indeed awoken by that awful racket.Shouting a few obscene words to the person on the other side of the door and burying his head in the pillow, Louis tried to block out any thoughts of his surroundings and-well any thoughts of anything really; he just wanted to get back to sleep, pronto.Alas, that was not possible as the door flew open and Liam came striding in, pulling the thick, warm duvet off Louis' body and flipping the boy over."Get up," he ordered.Louis let out an elongated, muffled 'no' in retaliation, only to receive another diligent, yet slightly less pleasant "get the fuck out of bed you lazy arse" from Zayn who had entered the room shortly after Liam, a bowl of cereal in his hands which he was slurping from messily."I can't or else I'll die," Louis said dramatically, lifting his head from the pillow and directing his speech in, presumably, Zayn's direction but with his eyes refusing to open, he wasn't too sure."You're such a drama queen. Stop being such a diva and get the fuck up," Louis could practically hear Zayn's eyes rolling when he spoke."There is nothing wrong with being a diva from time to time!" Louis said defensively, his pitch rising rather high with his argument."From time to time, it's fine, but you're a diva all the fucking time," Zayn retorted truthfully.Louis just made a noise of disapproval and collapsed back onto the bed which Liam was flitting around, tidying up the scattered clothes of Louis' and straightening out the object which Louis had pushed around in search of something or other in the middle of the night."Just get the fuck up or else you'll be late for that Harry lad."And suddenly, Louis was alert. His eyes blinked open, his back straightened when he sat up, his mouth hanging agape. "Shit" was all that he said, the incident from the night before flooding back to him and collapsing on his chest like a tonne of bricks. The feeling did not bode well with his already hung-over state, and he then felt a strong need to throw up the remaining contents of his stomach. With widened eyes and a hand clutching over his mouth, Louis stumbled from the bed, his feet getting tangled in the sheets none-the-while, and into the bathroom. While he clung onto the white seat and threw up a sickly acidic substance, neither of the two boys took it upon themselves to comfort the poorly boy, yet just scoffed at his immediate reaction to the night previous."What, was he really that bad?" Zayn called through mockingly. "God mate, you really need to sort yourself out, you always bag the crap fuckers.""I didn't fuck him, you idiot," Louis called back weakly."Bad snogger then?""No, I didn't even kiss him.""What, not even-""Just fuck off Zayn," Louis had reached the end of his tether with the Bradford-bred boy, finding it difficult to act pleasant with the open mocking of both Louis and Harry. Zayn obviously got the picture and left the sickly twenty-one year old alone, knowing not to delve into the details from last night too much or else Louis would snap and he'd end up with the sole of Louis' ballet shoe imprinted across his cheek, again.After Louis had thrown up into the basin many a time and brushed his teeth thoroughly, he padded through into the kitchen in search of a hearty breakfast to re-line his stomach. Thankfully, just as he slumped down in the chair, Liam placed a greasy Full English in front of him, along with a steaming cup of coffee and two paracetemol. Shooting a grateful smile towards him, Louis scoffed down the food eagerly, the thick taste gathering in his throat nicely to reaffirm his senses back to their normal state. Louis swallowed the tablets along with a gulp of the hot beverage, then turned to a waiting Liam and Zayn who sat patiently at the opposite side of the table."What d'you want to know then?" Louis said blankly."Tell us about him," Liam prompted."Well what do you want to know about him?""Anything and everything," Zayn stated simply.With a sigh, Louis began telling the two about Harry: the way he looked, the way he acted, the reason he was only looking for a friend in him, the way that even though he said that, he kind of did want something more in a slight way, the way he was 16 and therefore 5 years younger than himself, the way he'd never spoken a single word to Louis because he was in fact mute. To say the two were shocked was an understatement; they were truly astonished as to why Louis was going through the hassle of befriending the boy when it all seemed so difficult.After Louis had explained the incident from the night before, Liam finally spoke out his confusion: "Why are you even bothering then?""What do you mean?" Louis asked with equal confusion."Well he seems so much bother, I mean with all that happened last night I don't see why you're trying to prove yourself to him.""Because- Well, because it's Harry," Louis confessed."That's kind of the point; it being 'Harry'," Zayn gestured, "is kind of the problem. You shouldn't bother mate, just go for someone easier."When Louis eyebrows furrowed and his face turned somewhat downtrodden, Liam attempted to retrieve their previous comments, "We're just looking out for your best interests; I'm sure he's a sound lad, but I don't really think you've considered everything about him. Just spend some time thinking whether there's much point putting all your effort into him. That's all we're saying."The sound of the chairs scraping back didn't break Louis from his trance that he'd captured himself in, nor the pat on his shoulder as the two boys scampered out the room. He wasn't sure what to think. He wasn't sure whether he should consider what the two boys were saying, or just push it to the back of his mind and maybe one day idly bring it out to wonder upon. He chose the latter, obviously, because with the problem of last night being the most prominent activity in his mind, his priority was to decipher that situation and smooth it out first and foremost.

Downing the rest of his coffee, Louis set upon getting dressed for his dance class. His headache was still lingering, but the tablets were kicking in effectively and were soothing it mildly. Poking his head around the living room doorframe, Louis muttered a quick thank you and goodbye to the lounging lads before slugging into the cool breeze of the early morning air.Once he'd reached his flat in an extended amount of time than usual, he jumped in the shower for a quick wash down, removing that rancid sick smell and the alcohol the clung to his skin. He pulled on his tight black leggings along with his plain white t-shirt. His eyes subconsciously glanced at the clock, noting that if he didn't move soon he'd indeed be late, so he scampered around the house to grab his ballet shoes and shove on his Toms, before quickly snatching his maroon hoodie and leaving the house.When he reached the building and entered the reception, his glassy eyes automatically flickered towards the receptionist's desk but didn't react as Brenda waved eagerly at him; they stayed grey and lifeless. The only spark that lingered in the back of them was the hope of finding Harry and sorting out the mess, but as his eyes moved around the room aimlessly, he saw that he was already a few minutes late and Mr. Harbour would give him a right bollocking if he was late once again, especially when he just walked out last week and didn't return to the lesson with even an explanation afterwards.Quickening his pace, Louis made sure his eyes didn't stop by the corridor entrance as he scuttled to the dance room, or else he'd most probably find himself staring at it longingly with the forsaken hope that Harry was to dramatically prance from it and wrap his arms around him and-'Louis, you really need to stop that' he thought to himself, shaking his head as if to fling his thoughts into the air around him. Breathing in deeply and ridding himself of any other thoughts than dance and dance only, Louis entered the studio with full determination.

Of course he was conscious of the sweat that slicked his skin, and the way his slightly-gelled from last night hair was clinging to his forehead and was in constant need of being pushed back, and the fact that, overall, he didn't look the best sight, but that didn't put him off sidling into the piano room. He had nervous butterflies dancing around in his stomach, a flitter and a flutter of worry and hope, as he pushed open the door. The build of up a sorry smile came crashing down into a harsh frown as he saw the emptiness that filled the room.The room looked lifeless. The stool was left untouched. The piano was standing large and great, but low and shallow with nobody playing its keys to a tune.Louis was utterly disappointed, to put it bluntly. His heart dropped into the pit of his stomach and his ears fuzzed in confusion. He crushed the sprout of hope that maybe Harry was just at the toilet or something of the similar, knowing that the boy wouldn't leave the room unless it was necessary. He didn't deny the downturn of his lips as he turned from the room disheartened, nor did he iron out the crease in his eyebrows as they furrowed together in dismay.He slumped back through to the reception, his eyes burning into the flooring as his feet covered their tracks. Not taking notice of his surroundings, he didn't see the oncoming 'traffic' and fell promptly to the floor with a plonk as he crashed into someone. Sighing and rubbing a distressed hand over his face, Louis tore his eyes up to the looming figure."Shit-uhh-Anne, I'm so sorry- I - uh just wasn't looking where-" Louis babbled a mess of incoherent words as he stood up promptly, wiping the - lack of - dirt from his leggings."It's alright, Louis. It was an accident, that's all," the smile that graced Anne's lips had an unknown story behind it. Yes it was as warm as ever, but it also looked...regretful?"Look, Anne. I really just- I want to apologise for last night. I'm so sorry for what happened; I really am. If I could take it all back and make sure it wouldn't have happened I would do in a second, I swear. Please, can you forgive me?" Louis' tone was almost childlike as of the exploited innocence in his final words, the statement something a child would say to another after they'd been naughty."Come over here, Lou," Anne said softly, pulling him over to the cafe and nabbing a table for them. Louis' wide blue eyes looked up at her as he waited patiently for her answer, hidden worry and nerves tingling through the colour."This is going to sound incredibly cliché, but really Louis, it's not you, it's me. Or, well me and Harry, I suppose. You didn't do anything wrong, nothing at all. Nobody was to call that Harry would have an attack, and you'd never handled one before, so how were you to know the signs? I don't want you to beat yourself up over it. I should've known something might happen and I should've either not let Harry go, or pre-warned you. But the basic factor of it all was that I forgot. I forgot that he had that problem and I encouraged him to go, and it eventuated in that. It should be me apologising to you really, I mean, you shouldn't have had to put up with that.""So you forgive me?" Louis asked quietly. His boisterous, confident side was pushed aside for this tender voice."Of course Louis, I was never even mad at you," Anne spoke warmly, her perfectly straight teeth showing through her reassuring smile.Louis let out a heavy sigh of relief, a weight being lifted from his shoulder. He still, however, had a thick load on his chest of the small matter of Harry. "Can I- Can I speak to Harry?"Anne's expression turned somewhat sympathetic mixed with inner turmoil. "Harry isn't here today, love.""W-what? -Why? Is this because of last night?" replied Louis in frantic confusion."He's....he's just a little busy, he can't make it this time but hopefully he'll be back next week," Louis saw through Anne's lie immediately. Forget the awkward lack of eye contact and the wringing of her hands on the table; the lie was evident through her stuttered words which were normally flowing smoothly."What's wrong with him, Anne?" Louis said lowly."He's just...he's not doing too well, okay? He's a little shaken up and I didn't have the heart to wake him this morning. He took so long to get to sleep and he'd have been so tired. I sat by his bed until at least half 2 this morning, just holding his hand as he rocked himself in the bed with shudders. I tried to hug him but he just jumped away from me. You don't know how much that hurts, Louis, your baby acting like you're some dangerous stranger. I've put up with it all his life; I've been fine, but I guess it just all crashed down on me. And now I'm worried I'll have made it worse because he hasn't come today so it'll have changed up his routine and he hates that, he hates it so bad. I'm just scared that I'll lose him even more."Louis was truly astonished; he didn't know what to say. Anne had admitted all of that to him so sorrowfully, the tears welling up in her eyes, that he didn't know how to react. As he was about to reach over to her for a comforting hug, a young girl scuttled over. Her pretty pink dress swished by her shins as she twirled over to Anne."Mrs. Anne, Matt asked me to ask you to help him to choose the music for his piece, can you come and help?" she said brightly.Anne's watery smile directed towards her before a quick nod. She wiped her eyes with the tip of her finger to reduce make up smudging, and turned to face Louis as she got out of her seat. "I'll see you soon, yeh?"Louis nodded weakly, his thoughts heavily loaded and his attention elsewhere.

After his failed attempt to speak to Harry the week previous, and the emotional confession from Anne, Louis hadn't really been 'with it' all week. Of course he'd faked his usual brightness, but there was a dull linger behind his eyes that he couldn't get rid of. That dullness stemmed from guilt: guilt that he had caused Harry not to go to the Uni last Saturday; guilt that he had messed up Harry's routine, which supposedly was a terrible thing to occur; guilt that he had planted the seed of doubt and worry in Anne's mind that had caused her such distress.His sleeping patterns hadn't changed vastly throughout the week, except for the Friday night. Not only was it a reminder that only a week before had he been truly happy, albeit nervous, but it was also the fact that the next day was Saturday, and ultimately judgement day. Therefore, Louis had only had approximately 3 hours sleep, which was harder to cope with when alcohol wasn't involved that made that lack of sleep seem worthwhile. Yes another reason for the lowered amount of sleep was due to the words of two of his best friends queries, about wondering whether Harry was worth it, but Louis knew deep down that he was worth it, even if he couldn't explain why all too clearly himself.However, he trudged into the building - looking awful - with a determined mind to put things straight.

He finished his ballet class earlier than usual, Mr. Harbour giving up on Louis' lack of interest in the lesson. Louis couldn't deny his teacher's observations because he wasn't concentrating on the flow of his movements at all. His moves were sloppy and stunted; they didn't smooth together as they normally did, all because of that curly haired boy plaguing his mind.Slipping unwillingly into that bag of nerves that he was in last week, Louis trundled through the building and through that familiar corridor. He reached the door; it stood tall and dominant, towering over his unusually unconfident, rickety frame. His quivering hand clung onto the door handle, slowly levering downwards cautiously.The door revealed the room. A constricted sigh of relief held in Louis' throat as he spotted the hunched figure hanging over the front of the piano. The tight black wool slicked over the bent back, the bundle of curls popping over the top to prove that it was in fact the boy in question. The familiar tune, of which Louis was learning at the present time in his piano class, chimed through the room over to Louis, a little tentatively though, as Harry's fingers must've only just graced the top lightly.He cleared the thick lump in his throat, and Harry's head bobbed around to face Louis, eyes wide and dancing."H-hey," Louis stammered through his whisper.Harry only blinked quickly in response, his orbs looking around in circles but never landing upon Louis' face."Can I come in?" Louis asked, although it was actually more his room than Harry's.If Louis' eyes weren't focused solely on Harry's head, then he most probably would have missed out on the twitch of acceptance from Harry when he nodded stiffly and in slight.Shuffling in, Louis perched on the edge of the seat which Harry had spared for him. Harry's eyes were downcast on the keys, as were Louis'. The atmosphere was suffocating with tension and awkward density.Louis tried the only thing he could to diffuse the fairly discomforting feel, and played. His fingers tingled against the chilled keys, pressing down slowly but then floating into the sheet music in front of them. Harry soon joined in, timidly if so.After the notes progressed deeper into the song, the atmosphere lightened as much as possible by a simple tune being played; therefore, it lightened only a small amount. When the pressure was too much for Louis' chest to keep breathing in and out evenly, his fingers halted suddenly."Look, Harry, can I just tell you how sorry I am for Friday night? I really can't tell you how bad I feel and I just need you tell me you're okay, because I don't think I'd be able to handle it if I'd hurt you, I really don't think I could," Louis blurted out shakily, interrupting his and Harry's playing."I know it sounds stupid because I hardly know you, but I want to know you Harry, I want to know you so bad, for reasons, if I'm honest, I don't even know myself. I just do. But the fact I could've fucked things up right at the start is heart breaking," Louis' hand pulled off his beanie and ran through his messy hair in frustration, then rubbed on his face whilst he chuckled at himself bemusedly."Okay, blame me for my overdramatic ways but I'm serious, I can't have fucked it up already Harry, I just can't have."Harry was frozen by his side, silent still. His fingers were poised on the keys, no twitch or slight movement. Louis could see his eyes stark wide, green orbs shooting forward into bleak space."Talk to me Harry, do something, please," Louis pleaded.Little by little, Harry's head inched around to face Louis.For the first time, Harry's eyes locked with Louis'.For the first time, Harry smiled.Louis was overwhelmed.The bright, sparkling green of Harry's eyes pierced through his, the gold speckles mesmerising him beyond comprehension.Although it was just a small tug at the lips, a tiny upturn of the corners of the pink plumps, it was enough for Louis. He felt his heart burst completely in his chest; explode into smithereens from the adorability and perfectness of that one little smile.It was all he needed to know that everything was alright, and that somehow, he'd gotten through to Harry.Louis' face broke out into the biggest grin he'd expressed in a long time. His eyes were gleaming with pure joy and happiness. Harry's expression didn't increase, yet it stayed solid with delight and that was more than Louis needed to let out a flutter of giggles. Shaking his head in bewilderment at his excitement over the acceptance, Louis snuck a glance at Harry's blooming face and then realised that he had no need to be embarrassed by his bliss, because he'd just gotten through to Harry Styles. And he felt like everything was just right."How about I teach you this, for you to learn at home?" Louis offered.It earned a pleased nod from the younger lad.And Louis was more thanpleased with that; in fact, he was utterly ecstatic.