Chapter 87

Katniss

"And so I run to the things that they said could restore me, restore life the way it should be. I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down." -Young the Giant

It's October 14th, a little over a month since I found out, and I've still yet to come clean to Peeta. I can't think of a good way to tell him. I want it to be special this time, nothing close to what he had to do to find out last time.

Since I'm a month in, I'm just now starting to get morning sickness. I don't know who in the world decided to call it that, because it doesn't just happen in the morning. It hits you at any second of the day. When I wake up, I hurry to the bathroom and I almost immediately vomit into the toilet. Peeta rolls over.

"Are you okay?" He asks from the bed. "Yeah." I reply before throwing up again.The second time I throw up, Peeta gets out of bed. He comes into the bathroom and holds my hair for me. "Are you getting sick?" He asks."I must be." I lie. There's no way I'm telling him this way.

"I feel better." I say, sitting on my knees. "Are you sure?" He asks."Yeah, I'm sure." I reply, the nausea ebbing a bit."Why don't you take a shower and get yourself cleaned up?" He suggests. I nod, pushing hair behind my ear."I would kiss you, but..." He says, smirking.

I laugh, which feels incredibly good."I'll kiss you when I'm clean." I say.

He leaves and I shut the door. I get undressed and shower quickly. When I get out, there's a glass of water by the sink and I drink some of it. I proceed to brush my teeth, eager to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth.

I leave my hair wet and after I'm dressed, I sit down on the bed and continue to think of how I should tell Peeta about the little human growing inside of me. Really, at the moment, the only one who knows about this baby is me. I haven't told any doctors, not Gale, and certainly not my mother. She hasn't spoken to me in years. 

"Katniss!" Peeta calls up the stairs."Yeah?" I call down."You need to come down!" He calls.I stand up and hurry downstairs where Peeta sits at the counter with Willow. "Yeah?" I ask."Haymitch wants us to come over tonight. I guess there's something he wants to talk to us about." Peeta says.

"Oh. Okay." I answer."I talked to Annie and she said Willow could go and stay with her and Finn while we're there." Peeta informs me. I nod and Willow asks Peeta about that painting again.

He leans down so she can whisper in his ear about it."Yes, Willow. We can give it to her now. Would you like that?" He asks her.She nods happily and grabs my hand."Come on, mommy! Daddy and I have something to show you!" She squeals happily, dragging me along with her to the study.

There sits a canvas, covered in a sheet so nobody can see it. I turn to look back at Peeta and he motions for me and Willow to go ahead and look at it.

Willow pulls me forward and tells me to take the sheet off of it. I do as my daughter tells me and I slowly unveil the painting.

I feel the breath being taken right out of my lungs as my eyes fall on the beauty that is Peeta's painting.It's Prim, right to the teeth. It looks exactly like her, exactly how I remember her being. Her blonde hair is in a braid down her back and she wears a pale blue dress. She's lying down in the meadow, surrounded by flowers of every color.

"Peeta... This is... This is beautiful." I say. He smiles."I bet you actually thought it would be of a duck when Willow said something about it." He says."I really did." I confess."I told her that's what she should call this one." He says.

I stare at it more, my eyes drinking in every little detail. The way her eyelids are shut over her eyes, indicating her peaceful sleep. I'm brought back to another flowery painting of another dead little girl... The one that Peeta did of Rue before the the Quell.

Tears form in my eyes and I pick Willow up. Willow sees me crying and she takes her little thumb and wipes away the tear that rolls down my cheek."It's okay, mommy." She says.I have to keep my heart from melting when she says this.

--

"Okay, Willow," I say. "Daddy and I will be back home in a few hours. Be good for Annie, okay?" "Why can't I come to Uncle Haymitch's house?" She asks grumpily."Mommy and Daddy and Uncle Haymitch need to talk about grown-up stuff." Peeta tells her. She looks unhappy still, so I lean down and whisper in her ear."It's going to be very boring. You wouldn't even want to be there."

She nods and wraps me in a hug before going to Peeta and doing the same.

After we leave, Peeta takes my hand and I wonder aloud."I wonder what Haymitch wants." I say. Before Peeta can answer, though, we reach Haymitch's house. He only lives across the Victor's Village square from us.

Peeta knocks on the door solidly and we hear footsteps coming from inside. Although still a bit messy and the smell of alcohol is still pretty prominent, his living space is much better than it used to be."Katniss! Peeta! If it isn't my two most favorite people!" He says sarcastically.

"If you want us to leave, by all means, we'll go right now. Trust me, I'd thank you." I play back."Well, looks like someone's got an attitude." Haymitch says. "I was never the nice one." I say."What do you want? Why did you have us come here?" Peeta asks.

"Just for fun, of course! Lord only knows I need some company." He says."Are you serious?" I ask."No, I'm not serious, sweetheart. There's real business we need to talk about." He replies bitterly.

"What is it?" I ask."You two have always been so eager." He says, taking a final swig of liquor from his flask before placing it in the sink.

He invites us to sit with him on the couch."Okay, there's a bit I need to explain." He says. "Go ahead." Peeta  insists."Plutarch just told me yesterday that they want to air a special documentary about the Rebellion. Plutarch has informed me that the Capitol needs you two's consent before they add any information about you two into it. They need you to agree to letting them expose any part of it. He also says a few words from you two would be nice. I can't stop wondering why he never asks for my insight."

"Maybe if you weren't always drunk, he would." I shoot at him jokingly."Hey, you. Shut up. I've cut back so much because of you and little Willow." He replies.I put my hands up in defense."Just saying..." I say.

"Anyway," He continues. "A large part of it is going to be about you, Katniss. Peeta will be intertwined a lot into it, but after all, you're the Mockingjay. And if they're going to include stuff about you, they're going to have to include your past. Footage of both of your Hunger Games will be aired. I didn't think that would bother you particularly, since they were broadcasted nationwide at the time. But here's the part I'm concerned about..."

"Uh, okay..." I say uncomfortably."You're an expert at your own story, so I'll let you guess what they also want to air." He says."My interviews," I say, my voice barely even a whisper. "My interviews. My torture, which I wouldn't doubt they have footage of."

"Yes. Precisely. Now, I don't know why Plutarch wanted me to ask you guys for your consent, but he did. So I'm going to need an answer from both of you." He says.

I take a shaky breath. What am I going to do? Do I let them have all of that information, all of that footage? They'll literally be airing every one of my vulnerabilities on national TV. And if it airs, there's no doubt that every eye will be on me. I'm scared. I'm terrified beyond belief, but the words that come out of my mouth surprise all three of us.

"Let them do it." I say."What?" Peeta says."Let them do it. They need to see it so it never happens again. It's been over 10 years since the Rebellion. Keep it fresh so people don't forget. I don't want what happened to me to have been in vain. If they need to see it, let them." I say.

"Katniss! That's everything they're airing. That's private stuff! They'll get to see what happened to you! Don't you think that's a little too much?" Peeta argues."Yeah, I do think it's too much! But if that's what it's going to take to keep this sound government, then I'm willing to let them do it!" I argue back.

"No! I'm not letting them do it. What if Willow sees it?" Peeta says."When would Willow ever see it? She's 5! She goes to bed at 7 o'clock. None of her classmates are going to talk about it because they go to bed at 7, too. She won't know!" I argue.He's silent."And, Peeta, what if this can help her understand when she's older? What if we can use it to help us?" I say.

"I'd rather her learn from us, not some video, thanks." Peeta says."I'm not saying that! I didn't say that she would be learning from some Capitol-made shit that they're airing on TV. But parts of it could help!" I say.

"Okay, you two, let's settle down here. Damn, I didn't think you two could go at each other like this." Haymitch says.

"Peeta," I say. "You know I'm upset about the fact that they're going to air what happened to me. You know that's a door even I don't like to open. You know that's something that's a part of me I hate and wish didn't exist. But it does. And it is a part of me. It's a part of the Rebellion, and if they're going to tell about it, they sure as hell better tell it accurately. These people need to understand the stuff that went on. And if that means letting them in to what I've been through, fine."

"Katniss, you never want to let anyone in!" He says.It hurts a little to hear it come out of his mouth."Because every time I do they just walk out!" I say, trying not to yell."Well then why do you want the whole country to come in? You know they'll walk out again, so why are you letting them in?!" He replies.

"Because I think it's important that they know what Snow did and why it can never happen again!" I yell."Well, I think you're being unreasonable!" Peeta yells back.

A silence falls across the room. I don't yell back. Peeta doesn't shout anything more. Haymitch doesn't try to mediate. We sit in silence because the words can't be taken back. What's said has been said. And what's said has been understood.

"Fine. I don't care. Let them air it." Peeta says finally. "Um... Okay." Haymitch says."Is that all you wanted to talk about, Haymitch?" I ask quietly, keeping my voice low."Well, yes, but you two aren't allowed to leave now."

"And why not?" Peeta asks."Because now I'm afraid if I let you two go, you'll kill each other before you even get home." Haymitch replies."Even if we do, it's not your problem." I say."Yeah." Peeta agrees.

"You two never make it easy, do you? I'm trying to show you that I care about you." He says. Peeta and I make eye contact but drop it after mere milliseconds."Anyway, you two, come with me." He says.

"What now?" I ask."Just get off your asses and come with me." He says, irritated.Peeta and I get up, but we don't make eye contact. We don't speak. We don't even look at each other.

Haymitch reaches into one of his liquor cabinets and clanks around inside until he finds the bottle he's looking for. My heart starts racing. He's going to have us drink. And I'm pregnant. So I can't drink.

Since Willow was born, Peeta and I have started indulging in more alcohol. Sometimes I like it because it dulls the pain I feel some days, but once you've slept it all off, the pain just comes back 10 times harder. Peeta and I always make sure we aren't drinking too much, as neither of us want to end up like Haymitch, but we've both gotten drunk a handful of times. Of course, it's always after Willow's asleep.

When one of us is drunk, it's usually not very special. The sober one takes the other one up to bed and it usually ends there. But sometimes when we're both drunk, things get heavier. That doesn't happen too often, as anyone could probably imagine how careful we are with our alcohol.

He pours us all a couple of shots-worth of white liquor— his favorite."This," He says, handing us each a glass. "Is my best stuff. I wouldn't drink too much if I were you. If you do, you probably won't want to go home to Willow tonight. I think we all could use a drink."

Peeta and I look at each other, holding eye contact for longer than we could before.He raises his glass slightly and I do the same. I only do it in hopes that it'll distract them, so maybe they won't notice that I'm not drinking.

Haymitch and Peeta start immediately on their drinks, while I feel like even touching the glass is like poisoning the baby."Sweetheart, that's my best liquor. Are you going to drink or not?" Haymitch asks.

What do I say? I can't use the "I'm not much of a drinker" excuse anymore, because both of them know I drink. So what do I say?

"I... Uh..." I start."You what? If you don't want the liquor, just say so. I'll drink it for you." Haymitch says. "It's not bad, Katniss. Just drink some." Peeta says, as if it's the taste that would stop me from drinking.

The words keep getting caught in my throat."I...I..." I say over and over again, just trying to get something out. "Okay, Katniss, spit it out." Haymitch says."I... I c-can't." I say."You can't what?" Peeta asks.

I see them exchanging confused looks."I can't... drink." I finally get out."Yes you can. It's fine. One drink won't get you drunk." Peeta says."No... No." I say."What are you talking about?" Haymitch asks.

My eyes lock on the glass of liquor in front of me. "I mean: I can't drink." I say, emphasizing the last part in hopes that one of them will figure it out."We get that. Why can't you drink?" Peeta says, trying to coax any useful information out of me.

"Peeta, you of all people would know why I can't drink. You know why." I say."What the hell is going on?" Haymitch mutters into his cup.

"Peeta, I can't drink," I say, a smile starting to form on my face. "Because I'm pregnant."

Haymitch practically chokes on his drink, but I'm only focused on my husband. He doesn't realize what I said at first and I watch it sink in on his face. After 5 seconds, he finally realizes that I'm not joking. After 10 seconds, he covers his eyes and I watch him start to cry.

"Come here..." He says.I walk over to him and he pulls me into his arms."You're really pregnant? Like, for real?" He asks into my shoulder."Yes." I say.

He starts to laugh and cry at the same time."I'm so happy." He says through simultaneous laughing and tears."I love you." I say.

"I love you." He says, before continuing to cry with joy.

"Well, damn. I wasn't expecting that." Haymitch finishes his drink.