Chapter 24

Katniss

"You can try to take us, but we're the Gladiators." -Lorde

" I'm Peeta Mellark, and I too am alive..." Peeta starts.

"We're together. We're fighting together now. Snow may have tried to rip us apart, he tried to destroy me. That's what we're here to talk about." I say.

Peeta starts with what he's been told to talk about."I can't even begin to say how lucky I am that Katniss is out of the Capitol. I don't think anything I could ever say could amount to how much her being there really meant." He says. I turn my head to face him. He looks at me, and gives me a look that asks if he should talk about how I'm doing.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. They're all going to know about my demons and my problems if he talks about it and it's aired, but if he doesn't talk, nobody will know about what Snow's been doing.

"Go ahead." I say, looking into his eyes.He turns back to the camera and talks.

"Katniss... She'd been in the custody of the Capitol for a month. They tortured her, they almost killed her when she was shot. The Games put her through enough trauma and pain, but now this? You can't blame her for what's happening with her..." Peeta pauses and looks at me. I don't look at him back. Instead, I think about Everyone knowing my secret.

Peeta doesn't speak. "Peeta? I said you could." I say.He closes his eyes and shakes his head.I place my arm around him.

If he's not able to talk, then I guess I will."They call it Hijacking," I say, "They would take me from my cell and strap me down on a table. Then they'd inject me with Tracker Jacker venom. They'd play memories of myself and since I would have all that hallucination-causing venom in my body, I would do just that. I'd hallucinate and my brain would change the memories around. They would beat me, cut my skin, electrocute me... And that way, my memories of myself would be so scary I couldn't handle myself. After that, they'd throw me back into my cell to starve or bleed out." I say, "I know what you're thinking, but these memories can't be fixed all of a sudden. I won't just wake up one day, and be totally better. Sometimes, I get flashbacks. Lots of different things trigger them. When I have a flashback, I'm totally unreachable. I go in and out of reality. The only people who can bring me back are the ones I love."

Peeta looks at me, hearing the words I just said.

"We don't want you to think that this is easy for us, spilling out all of this information that we would rather keep inside, but you all deserve to know. You all deserve to know what Snow is doing and what he has done. We want you to see that this man will never ever treat us fairly. And if you think he will, you're lying to yourself! Look at what he's done to her, to Katniss! He's never going to change his ways. You all need to understand that." Peeta says.

"I'm ready to fight. I'm ready to take down this man who's done so much to me. He's destroyed my home, he's tried to destroy me. I want you to know that I'm fighting these flashbacks and I'm not giving up. I'm not rendered useless. Snow has tried to take everything from me, but I'm not letting him." I say.

I turn, again, to look at Peeta. He looks at me, putting a small smile on his face. Keeping that smile on his face, he looks at the camera. "Neither should you." He says.

Cressida calls out, ending the filming.She gives us an approving nod and we stand up.

I take a deep breath through my nose, breathing in the fresh air."I wish we could stay out here forever..." I say, wishfully."Me too... But we can't." Peeta replies.

I wish we could just live out here, away from 13 and away from all of our problems. We wouldn't have to think about them. Not even my problem. Out here, everything is beautiful... nothing to trigger me or set me off.

"You're right." I say, sadly."I wish I wasn't." He says."Me too, but it's okay. I'm happy anywhere that I'm with you." I reply.

We're escorted back into the depths of 13.--Peeta and I eat dinner slowly, dreading the moment when we have to go back to the hospital. Dreading when I have to get IVs re-started and be stuck in that tiny gray room.

Peeta finishes his dinner before I do. When he returns to where I'm sitting and still eating, he doesn't talk. He lets me enjoy the remnants my food.

Somebody I don't recognize approaches him. "Mr. Mellark, you're wanted in Command. I believe they're going to show you the Propo." The man says. Peeta looks at the man, and then at me.

"And what about Katniss? She was in it too. Is she seeing it?" He asks."I'm afraid they just wanted you in Command. No Katniss." He replies.

I'm a little insulted, but I decide to brush it off. This Propo is the least of my troubles at the moment. I give Peeta a reassuring smile."Go ahead. I'll go back to the hospital when I finish my food." I say, letting him know that I'm not very bothered by it.

"Alright.." He says, unconvinced. He gets up from his seat and follows the man out of the Dining Hall.

I finish my food quickly, not wanting to have to sit alone for long. I can feel everyone staring at me. I wish I had someone here to distract me from it.

When I finally finish, I exit the Dining Hall quickly. I walk slowly to the Hospital, given that I have a half hour until 8:00.

"Katniss!" A voice calls from behind me.I whip my head around to see Gale. Great.He runs to catch up to me."Hey." He says."Uh... Hey." I say back. "Listen, I've been wanting to talk to you. I didn't know they discharged y--"

"I wasn't discharged. Just let out for a little. I still have a really high fever and stuff." I say, interrupting. At first I regret cutting him off, but he doesn't seem bothered.

"Well, I just kind of wanted to talk. You've been in the hospital so much and you've been so sick and stuff, I haven't gotten to talk to you when you're totally awake and feeling okay." He says, as we walk.

I feel like slapping him. I do not feel okay... And I'm pretty sure I never will feel "okay." At least not the kind of "okay" he throws around so loosely. But I don't say anything. I know he means well, so I let him continue."Okay. What's going on with you? How do you like 13?" I ask, trying to make small talk."I'm pretty good, thanks. And I've been training a lot, recently. Beetee and I are also working on some new Bombs and weapons to use. I really like 13." He says."Good." I reply, "And Gale? Can we please not talk about me?" He agrees, but I can tell it's hard for him to.

We talk, normally. It's almost like old times, when we would hunt in the woods. As we talk, I begin to notice something about Gale. He's being so weird, as if he's trying to say he wants to talk about something but avoiding actually saying it. I know he wants to talk about me. And I also know that that will not be happening. I don't want to talk about myself. I'm so tired of talking about myself and "how I am doing" or "what its like".

We manage a little bit more of normal conversation before he can't resist. He asks. "So, Katniss, how are you? Are you getting better?" He asks.

"Um..." I say. I don't know what to say to him. The amount of hurt and somewhat betrayal I feel from just this is immense. I told him not to, but he did anyways. I begin to walk a little faster, he's walking behind me a little.

"Katniss? I have a question. I know it might be too much for you to handle right now, but I'm just wondering.... What did they do to you?" He asks, curiously.

I whip my head around, face reddening with anger. "Gale, why are you doing this to me?" I ask, offended. "What?" He asks. I can tell he thinks he's done nothing wrong. Well, he's wrong.

There's angry tears filling my eyes."Why do you always want to bring this up? I told you that I didn't want to talk about myself, but still, you ask about me? Gale, they can't fix me. Can't you see that? Please, stop asking! I'm trying to deal with all of this. You don't understand how hard these past few years are. You haven't lived through those Games! You don't understand the PTSD I have. I know you like to think you have an idea, but you don't! It's that simple, Gale. You don't." I say, bursting with anger, sadness, and pain.

The tears have started flowing out of my eyes in a steady stream. I agressively wipe them away with the backs of my hand.

Gale doesn't answer. I shut him up. "Gale, I'm sorry for exploding like that, but you have to try to understand this. I'm still trying to cope with this and figure out what in the hell I'm going to do in order to survive. If you want an answer, I'm not better. I won't get better. I'll have to live with this PTSD and these flashbacks forever." I say.

"Oh." He says, blankly.

The fact that he can only muster up one word rubs me the wrong way. Not even an apology?

"There's no going back now, Gale," I say. I wipe more tears from my cheeks, "I'm sorry, I have to get back to the hospital. It's almost 8."

"Oh.. Okay. Bye." He says. He turns around and walks away.

I'm fuming. How can he act like he's the one who's offended? He should be apologizing to me! I can't believe him.

He didn't even say goodbye to me.

I return to the hospital alone, 9 minutes before I needed to be back.

I go back to my room and sit on the bed, depressed. I hate this place. The doctor walks in not long after I sit down.

"Did you have a good day? No flashbacks?" He asks, pestering me for information. I did have two episodes. But I decide to lie."No flashbacks. It was great, thanks. I'm a little tired, though. I don't feel the greatest, either." I say, with a smile.

It's so much easier to lie rather than to explain things to people who won't even understand.

I let them restart my IVs and do whatever they ask me to. They leave for the night soon after they finish.

I try to sleep right as the walk out. I would rather be asleep and not have to explain to Peeta, or anyone who comes to stay with my tonight, about why my cheeks are red or my eyes so puffy.

Thankfully, sleep finds me just as I hear footsteps in the corridor.