17. Why So Quiet?

"I don't know what to say."

"She knows all the questions to ask. She went through the same thing."

"I don't want to talk about it!" I admit. "I just...I don't-"

"El, you have to," he interrupts. I feel his hand on my shoulder. I turn and jump in surprise. "Sorry," he says. "You can't hide it."

"That's what my shrink is for," I snap, though I'm quiet.

"So you just never went to your mom, for anything?"

"I didn't say that! I said-"

"That you can't go to your mom with this? Yet out of everyone, she'd be the only one who understands."

I look down and roll back on my feet. "Ashley would."

"Ashley isn't here right now."

"And if you wouldn't have been there that night, she would be!"

"But would you?"

"If Ashley got out of there, I would've too!"

"You can't know that for sure!" he exclaims.

"Well in my head, I would have. And now..." I shake my head, stepping back.

"Now...you need your mother."

"She got along fine without one for her entire life. I can survive a couple days."

"El, your mom is...complicated. Sh-"

"No kidding," I interrupt.

"She's very sensitive but never cares to show it. Unless it's you. You are right in her soft spot."

"Touching," I say sarcastically.

"Seriously. She needs you. Possibly more than you'd ever need her, but still. She went through so much before you happened."

"Like the undercover jail thing?"

"And lots of guns to her head, long nights spent alone, other things. She's had her fair share of human evils. And then she had you. And she was finally happy."

"Sounds like a chick flick," I comment, looking down.

"Ellie, y-."

"I don't have to talk to her. She can just read my notebook. She already has!"

"Because she's scared for you."

"I'm sick of people being scared of me. Or for me. Or whatever. I'm fine! I don't like pity. I don't like being watched. I don't like being looked at as a victim."

"Neither did your mom. Look, yelling at the woman gets you nowhere, believe me. Get a better hiding spot for the journal and forgive her. She just wants you to be okay."

"Well...she'll never believe me. So what am I supposed to do about that?"

"For now, make her know you don't hate her."

"Like that's easy."

"Just go over to her."

I roll my eyes. "I will. Eventually."

"Before today is up, alright?"

"Fine."

Later that night, after I eat, I find Mom sitting on the couch, looking at something in a manila folder. I sit down quietly, close but not too close to her, staring to the floor.

"What is it, El?" she asks, detached.

"I'm sorry," I say. I don't really know what to say but that sounds right.

"For what?" she asks. She's not looking for an apology, I can tell by her tone, which calms me down a little.

"Yelling. Ignoring. Um..."

"I don't blame you, El," she says, throwing her case on the coffee table. "I know what you're thinking. And not because I read your journal."

"I know," I say. And even though I still am, I tell her, "I'm not mad anymore."

"No, you are. And you deserve to be. I should trust that you'll talk to me. I'm just overreacting."

"You're really not. I was refusing to talk to anyone."

"I did the same thing. It's okay."

She drapes her arm around me, pulling the blanket over both of us. I snuggle next to her and rest my head on her shoulder.

"I love you," Mom whispers to me after awhile. "More than anything."

"I love you too, Mom."

Damn, maybe Elliot should stay around. Me and Mom would've destroyed each other.

*Olivia's POV*

My baby falls asleep in my arms. She's too big to carry now, so I just skip from her grasp and get her pillow, lying her down. Then I put a blanket over her. Somehow, through all the movement I'm putting her through, she stays asleep.

I kiss her forehead and go to get some water. Just then the door opens. Elliot sees me then starts to talk. I shush him.

"She can sleep through a tornado," Elliot comments, quieter, but still not in a whisper.

"Still. She needs to sleep."

"Then put her in her bed."

"She's already asleep."

"No she's not," Elliot says. He starts walking over to her.

"Elliot, seriously!" I whisper-scold.

Elliot pushes the blanket off Ellie and picks her up.

All of a sudden, Ellie is awake. Elliot swings her over his shoulder. With that, Ellie lets out a small squeal of surprise.

I follow them into Ellie's room and Elliot practically throws her on her bed.

"You seem o be able to fool women with fake sleeping fairly well," Elliot tells my daughter.

"I was asleep!"

"No you weren't. You sleep on your stomach."

"I fell asleep on my side though," Ellie retorts, crossing her arms.

"So you would have almost immediately turned over."

"Well I didn't, so-"

"Don't try arguing, either of you," I interrupt. "Both of you will be able to keep this up until Tuesday."

"I consider that a talent," Ellie says.

"I consider it a job."

Ellie rolls her eyes and pushes her way under her covers.

Me and Elliot let her go to sleep, closing her door behind us.

*Ellie's POV*

~one month later~

I can't believe I have to go back to school shopping already. I don't want o go back to school. Never.

I mean nobody ever does, but I really don't want to. It feels like a death sentence.

It's not even that Karen and Claire are bullies. I just don't want them talking to me about the case. I feel paranoid about it.

Me and Mom get everything I'll need and then Amanda requests to go to the baby stuff. I can't believe how little these clothes are. And twins usually weight less. They're smaller at birth.

We go to lunch afterwords, avoiding the heat in McDonalds.

While sitting there, Amanda seems off. More off than just because of hormones. Mom doesn't seem to notice but when she gets up to go to the bathroom, I take my opportunity.

"Is something...going on?" I ask, dipping a fry in ketchup. My eyes flick up to her.

"I need to talk to your mom about it but...yeah. I guess I'll start with you. Mark found out about the pregnancy. He's filing for custody."

I look up at her with wide eyes. "Can he do that?"

"He can file all he wants. Whether a judge will agree I can take care of two babies without him is beyond me. But I feel like he can do it."

I hear Mom come up behind us.

"That bathroom really needs an extreme makeover."

Amanda half laughs.

"You doin' okay, Rollins?"

She shakes her head. "Mark's filing for custody.

"When did he do this?"

"I just found out. Liv, how am I going to...I mean, my job is so demanding. I'm sure they won't deem me fit. How am I gonna-"

"They'll find you way more fit than Mark is. That's for damn sure. Do you not remember his assault charges?"

"Do you not remember than gambling ordeal?"

"Which was cleared," Mom says. I never knew about any gambling thing, but I can tell it's not the time for asking.

Amanda nods slowly. "Still. I'm gonna be at work for long hours. I know Babydoll is gonna watch them but when she's at school? I mean..."

Just then something goes off in my head. "Wait a sec," I say. They both look at me.

I take out my phone and urgently request mom to get up and let me out of the booth.

I speed off to the door and stand outside, dialing Logan's number. It starts to ring.

"Pick up the phone, pick up the phone," I mumble-beg.

On the third ring, I hear his voice. "Hey, what's up?"

"Your mom still does that childcare thing right?" It's actually a whole facility, but still.

"She has since before we were born. Why?"

"How old do children need to be...?" I ask.

"Any age up to like 13 I think. But it's mostly kids ages 3-8."

"How would she feel taking on two newborns?"

"Amanda needs someone to watch them?"

"Just until I get get home or to her place after school."

"I'm pretty sure that can be arranged."

•••

Hey guys I jut posted an SVU one shot that takes place after the Pursuit episode! It's...maybe a little...smutty(?) and is full of EO! Check it out! It's called Pursuit and its in My Works!

Love you guys! Buh bye!

-Gina Mariee