5. Coupling

"She's not gonna leave you, Liv," Elliot whispers into my hair. "You're always gonna have her."

"She's gonna be 15. Just yesterday she was 6. She asked me why I was crying and I lied to her. I told her nothing but Cragen just told me you put your papers in. I slammed the door in her 6 year old face and she tucked herself in that night. Why was I so terrible-"

"Liv," he interrupts.

I interrupt back. "She was just a baby. She still is a baby. She's gonna be in college before I know it. She'll move as far away as possible because she hates me that much! I deserve it, I guess."

"Olivia, stop-"

"Revenge for all those nights I stayed late at the precinct and asked Amanda to watch her when she only wanted me! Those times I couldn't go to her school events because of work. The nights I left her home alone all night. I made her constantly wonder if she'd see me that night or the squad telling her I died. I-"

"Olivia Benson."

I don't have anything left to say, so I stop interrupting him.

"Stop beating yourself up. Now." His voice is so stern. "Eliana loves you more than anybody. You're the only family she has. She doesn't know her father. She doesn't have brothers or sisters. Even if she has best friends like sisters or the squad is her "parents", in the back of her mind, you are her only family."

Is this supposed to make me feel better? We only have each other? I think it but don't say it.

"And yeah, she's gonna have a boyfriend. Multiple. Who's gonna be there when her heart is broken? Yes, she might get into a great college on the other side of the country. Who's she gonna tell first? Who's gonna be the first to know when she gets engaged? Who's walking her down the aisle? Who took care of her when she was sick? Wh-"

"The squad. When she got chicken pox, I was undercover. Nick took care of her. When she got the flu I'd have Don go over and check on her. I-"

"Why do you get up everyday for work, then?" he asks.

"For Ellie," I say simply, standing right in front of him. He fixes a piece of my hair.

"You work so hard for your daughter. She knows that. She doesn't hate you or think that you hate her. She's not going to abandon you."

"Why does it feel like she is?"

"Because you're stubborn. So is she. You want her to be under your care forever. She's as independent as you are and wants to do everything herself. But she can't."

I nod, still able to feel the tears that have dried on my face.

"Come on. Let's not be upset, okay?" he asks.

"Whatever," I whisper.

*Ellie's POV*

"It's really fine, Mrs.Beckman," I say.

"Leslie," she says with a smirk. "Still, keep the foot elevated."

I suppress an eye roll and place my boot on the pillow as she requests.

"Well, I'll leave you two alone," she says.

"She's really nice," I say.

"Eh, she's alright," Logan tells me. I laugh. Then he asks, "how'd you get out of the house?"

"Got in a fight with my mom but Elliot let me out."

"He seems cool," Logan comments.

I nod. "He is. I think he'll be good for my mom too."

"They're dating?"

"Well I think. He's always over. He may or may not be moving in," I tell him, fighting him for the remote.

"How'd she meet him?"

"They used to be partners at SVU. He quit when I was six."

"Why?"

"I actually don't know. It must've been bad though. I'm pretty sure that was the day my mom came to school to get me and was crying. I was six. He left when I was six. It only makes sense."

"Why'd he leave? Like, I get he quit his job, but why did he just walk out of her life?"

I don't get that either. "I have no idea. They were so close. Don told me that once they got psych evaluations done and it was concluded they were too close to work as partners. But if they would've been separated, their work performance would've plummeted."

"And now he's back?"

"I guess so."

I lean into the crook of his arm and relax. "She's dated before but I hated anyone who she brought to the apartment. He's the first I haven't wanted to stab out of disgust."

He laughs. "Disgust?"

"They just...my mom is the most readable person ever to me. She was either extremely uncomfortable or faking her way through a date. Then they'd kiss her or hug her and just...bluh..." I say with a shudder.

"But you called Elliot and asked for food because you were hungry and he brought you to surgery instead," he points out.

"I wouldn't have been allowed to eat because of the surgery."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, it does. But I got food in the end, so..."

We continue to talk, ignoring what's on TV. when 7:45 rolls around, Logan takes me home. I don't want him to come up to my apartment with me, so he kisses me before I get out of the car. Who knows what my mom is like right now.

*Olivia's POV*

It's hours after our Ellie conversation but I'm still so unhappy with my thoughts. Elliot can tell and it's bothering him.

"If you have something to say, say it."

"I'm just...not ready. I feel like I'm losing my best friend." I shrug. "I guess it'll pass.

"I'm gonna let you in on a secret. It never gets easier. I went through it 5 times. But even if you see them less, seeing them feels so much better than it did before."

I don't respond.

"Kind of like with you."

At that I look up. "How?"

"As soon as I left, I wanted to go to you. Kathy didn't want anything to do with me and I didn't either. I knew what I did would hurt you. I knew if I told you I was leaving you'd get me to stay. Eventually, I adjusted. But that night I saw Eliana on the street, I knew I could go back. I'd missed too much. And seeing you was the best thing ever."

I blink as a response, though so much is running through my head. I missed him every single day. I wanted him to come back just for Ellie. I knew he would help her and be a father for her and that's all I wanted. But he came back for me. I walk over to him.

His kiss is so soft and gentle. I don't get why I'm allowing it. I just am. I've had my trust invested in him for so many years. He knows everything there is to know about me.

His hands graze my sides, messing with the hem of my shirt. I keep my hands around his neck, giving him access to whatever he wants.

Slowly I start unbuttoning his shirt. I fumble a little, but I manage to get my hands on his bare chest.

I feel his hands slip up my shirt when the doorknob starts making noise. God damn, she actually came home on time.

I push Elliot into my room while I adjust my shirt.

Ellie comes through the door while pulling the key from the knob. That thing never works correctly anymore. Gotta replace it. "I'm home!" she announces, not looking up.

"Hey, El," I respond. "Did you walk all the way up here?"

"I used the elevator," she defends. "Where's Elliot?" She doesn't really seem interested in her question, as she goes to the kitchen to get a drink.

"Changing."

She raises her eyebrows momentarily but returns to her normal business. Avoiding my gaze, she says, "You know, you had like 4 hours to make out with him."

Now it's my turn to be surprised. Elliot comes out of my room at just the right time to here her comment as well. "What?" I ask.

"Your lipstick is all messed up and his shirt isn't buttoned correctly," she says, pointing.

While in the refrigerator, she pulls an apple out too. "Just like Amanda told me the other day," she says with a smirk. "While I'm here, no sex in the apartment."

And with that, she goes to her room.