nineteen

Your last week of work is easily your most miserable.

You refuse to speak to Levi. The cold shoulder is the only method that works for you right now. Clearly, he's trying to make sure any attachments between the two of you are cut clean, so you may as well do your part. It's devastating; it hurts just walking into his office, seeing those cold grey eyes that you used to find comfort in and forcing yourself to drop his gaze and avoid staring.

You want to understand. You want to grab him and yell, scream at him to tell you anything, to open up. You were sure of it, you were so sure that he harbored the same feelings you did. Even now, you still think he does, no matter how much he denies it.

But if he doesn't want a relationship, then there's really nothing you can do, and that's what hurts most of all. You're helpless.

It's at times like this that you wish you could unload your misery onto someone. It can't be one of your friends, either- it's got to be someone that knows Levi. Preferably someone who knows the nature of his last workplace relationship and what went so wrong with it that he's unwilling to attempt anything with you.

What happened? What happened that scared him away, not just from a relationship in the workplace, but a relationship in general?

You haven't answered Erwin yet. He's given you a deadline of Friday, and you're trying to use every day before that to weigh out the pros and cons, but it's difficult.

Pros include a familiar workspace, coworkers you get along with, work you know how to do (and then some), and keeping your apartment. 

Cons include Levi. That's it.

You're just not sure you can keep this up. If he's dead set on nothing coming up for you two, then there's nothing you can do, and you don't think your heart can handle that. This week is painful enough, with you giving him the silent treatment. You're sure it would get better over time, but you don't know if you can manage that.

You've fallen hard, and you're not sure that you can get up.

You take two other interviews for different jobs that week, one on Tuesday and one on Wednesday. You're suddenly a bit more invested in those. As time goes by and Levi's silent treatment continues on, securing a position outside of the company becomes higher on your priority list. You haven't informed Erwin of where you stand yet; he hasn't been pushy.

Hell, even Zeke's crossed your mind. But that would be not just a betrayal to Levi but to the company- you can't do that.

Sasha catches onto your gloomy mood midway through the week. "You alright, Greenie?" she asks during your lunch break on Wednesday. "You haven't been yourself all week."

You fake a smile. "Just tired, Sasha. I've got a couple interviews this week and I'm a bit stressed out."

"Do Connie and I need to attack Captain?"

"Nah. Nothing he did," you lie.

"Ah," she says, smiling. "Well, if there's anything I can do, just ask."

"Thank you," you reply genuinely. "I appreciate it."

But unless she can give you a full dissection of Levi's behavior and convince the man to give you a shot, there's nothing much she can do. Hell, there's not much anyone can do. 

But you can't bring yourself to give up. You just can't.

On Thursday morning, your second last day of work, Levi finally cracks. When you drop Levi's tea off for the morning- peppermint- he says your name. You linger, pausing inside his office. You wish he'd used the nickname, but even him saying your name sends sparks into the pit of your stomach.

Levi's eyes are trained down at his reports, and he says, "I understand that you're no longer working for me after Friday, but a bit of professionalism would be nice until then."

Your heart drops into your stomach, then heat rises in your throat. The fucking nerve.

His eyebrows narrow. "Is there a problem?"

You want to laugh. "Professionalism?" you say incredulously.

Levi's eyes squeeze shut, then reopen. "This silent treatment is childish."

"If you want to talk about what's childish or not, that's a whole other discussion that we can have."

"There's nothing to discuss."

"You can at least look at me when you talk to me," you snap.

Levi finally looks up, and you regret telling him to, because his gaze is stone cold. "What?" Levi says flatly. "You're the one ignoring me."

"I wonder why," you say sarcastically.

"We've talked about this," he mutters, hands clenched into fists on his desk. "There's nothing else to talk about. You need to be professional-"

"Professional?" you retort, a fire lighting in your chest. "Professional would be having a civilized discussion. Like adults. Not- not giving me cryptic answers that don't make sense to me and then taking off."

Levi's eyes flicker to the door. "The door's open," he mutters, "keep your voice down-"

"You're a coward," you interrupt.

He doesn't reply.

You clench your hands into fists. "Fine," you force out, heat stinging your eyes. "I deserve better and I'm not going to take your bullshit. You tell me to be professional when you literally can't stand to have a singular adult conversation-"

Levi says your name. It doesn't stop you. "And I know this one isn't on me," you finish, squeezing your hands tight into fists. "This one's on you, because you're- you're a coward and an asshole who can't decide what he wants and you've got no right to be such a... such a dick to me about it!"

Levi's lips part. No sound comes out.

You exhale shakily, feeling a bit better now that you've blown off some steam. Unwilling to look at him anymore, you storm out of his office, slamming the door shut behind you. You make a beeline for your desk and plunk yourself down hard, fuming.

How dare he. How can he just... how can he...

How can this not be hurting him as much as it's hurting you?

You realize the office is dead quiet, and you look up. Everyone's staring at you.

Well, you did cause quite a commotion. You hope you didn't say anything too incriminating. You're pretty sure you're safe- somehow, there's been a rational part of your brain that had made sure to only yell at Levi for shit that wouldn't get him fired or expose your relationship.

Connie reaches across his desk and touches your hand. "You good?" he asks quietly.

Why is everyone staring at you with so much sympathy? What's going on?

Something wet hits your hand. You glance down. It's a tear drop. You raise your hand up to your face and gently tap your eyes. Shit. You're crying.

You laugh weakly. "I'm fine," you lie, avoiding Connie's eyes. Everyone's staring at you, and there's nowhere to look so you keep your eyes down on your keyboard. When no one says anything, you force another laugh. "Looks like he keeps his record. Guess I didn't win the bet either."

Silently, Sasha slides a box of tissues over to your desk. You grab one without looking up.

Suddenly, it all feels like too much. "Excuse me," you murmur under your breath, blinking to keep the tears at bay as you stand up. You turn, tucking your chair in, and you head for the bathroom.

In the safety of the bathroom, you pull yourself back together. You shouldn't be crying over this- he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve your tears. He doesn't deserve anything from you, not until he gets his shit together and apologizes. 

...If he gets his shit together and apologizes.

You sigh miserably. He won't, will he? You're hoping for nothing, aren't you?

Now would be the perfect opportunity to cry- your heart certainly hurts enough for it. But somehow, you can't channel a single tear, now that your old ones have dried up. 

Oh, how nice it would be to cry.

.

No one really says much to you for the rest of Thursday. As far as you're aware, the only ones who don't know about your 'exchange' with Levi are Erwin (away for business) and Hange (out on the warehouse floor at the time), but it's highly likely one of the other employees could've filled them in. A few people were out on calls, but you're sure the rest of the office has told them.

On Friday, your last day of work, the whole office seems to be filled with some sort of tension. Maybe because it's your last day, or maybe because no one's quite sure how to address your miniature breakdown yesterday. Either way, the morning is quiet.

When you check your email, you're pleasantly surprised to see an offer for one of the jobs you interviewed for. It's in another city, but the pay is higher than Erwin had offered you here. It's good; at least you have another option.

With a soft sigh, you head into the kitchen to make Levi's tea, one last time. You're sure that if you didn't, he wouldn't push you to, but by now it's just an ingrained habit. 

One more day. You sigh, tipping your head to rest against the kitchen cupboard. One more day of work- it might be the last time you'll ever see Levi.

"You alright, Greenie?" 

You turn, jerking your forehead off of the cupboard and nearly smacking the mug off of the counter. It's just Hange. "Fine, sorry," you say quickly, straightening yourself up. "Just- just dozed off."

"Are you okay, though?" they ask, reaching for one of the cupboards. "You've been a bit out of it lately."

You sigh. How wonderful it would be to spill everything, every last little detail, but you know you can't. You risk Levi's job if you do. "Nothing, I'm just tired," you excuse, shaking your head.

Hange hums as if they understand. "C'mon, last day of work!" they chirp. "And there's a party later!"

That's true- holiday party. "Yeah, I'll just have to power through."

"I know it's not my business," Hange says, "but Erwin mentioned to me that he offered you a job." One of the sources of your anxiety for the past week causes your shoulders to rise, but they're quick to add, "I'm the only other one who knows, don't worry. You going to take it?"

"Not sure," you say quietly. "I got another offer elsewhere. And there's... there's a lot to consider."

"True that, true that." They grin, pulling a mug out of the cupboard, then open up the drawer where all of the teas are located. "What the hell's happening to all my peppermint?" Hange complains, grabbing the last tea bag in the small box. "I didn't think anyone else drank this!"

Crap. Peppermint tea's one of the kinds you've been giving Levi biweekly. "Sorry," you admit. "That's my fault. I didn't realize you had a claim on it."

Hange waves you off. "No worries, no worries. It's communal, after all. I didn't know you liked peppermint tea! I would've bought more."

"Oh, it's not for me," you excuse, shaking your head. "It's just one of the ones I've been giving to Levi. I've been trying to rotate."

"What?" Hange frowns. "Say that again."

You blink. "I've been trying to rotate?"

"No, the first thing. You've been feeding this to Levi?" You nod slowly, wondering what's so strange about that. It looks like Hange is going through four different stages of shock before they soften and murmur, "Greenie, Levi hates peppermint tea."

You frown. "No, he doesn't. I've been giving it to him for months now."

"The last time an intern brought him peppermint tea, he almost threw it at them," Hange says, their expression soft. "And I quote, 'you bring me that shit again and I'm going to shove it down your throat'."

"Maybe the intern just made it badly?" you excuse.

They shake their head. "That's not it. I would swear on my grave, Greenie. Levi told me he's always hated peppermint. I doubt that's changed in the past few months."

Your head spins. "But he's always drank it," you murmur. "He- he even told me it was good once."

"He told you it was good?" Hange repeats, surprised, and you nod quickly. Levi has been the primary occupant of your brain all week, and this really isn't helping. "Hey, Greenie," Hange says softly, their eyes widening, "has he ever made you take the tea back?"

You think. "No," you murmur. "He told me it was shit a few times, but he... he still drank it."

You don't know what this means. Why is Hange making such a big deal out of this? Admittedly, Levi drinking tea he supposedly hates is a bit weird- he's never been one to shy away from sharing his true feelings, and he's certainly never been worried about hurting yours. Bitterness rises up in you again, thinking about the argument last week and how he'd ran out on you and your tiff yesterday from when you yelled at him. 

"Damn," Hange murmurs appreciatively. They pat you on the shoulder. "He must really like you."

Their words have some sort of undertone, hinting at... hinting at what, exactly? "What's that supposed to mean?" you ask tentatively.

They frown. "No need to be defensive. It's a good thing! Levi's never liked any of his interns. I only wish we could keep you around longer- you're good for his mood."

You think of Erwin's offer and you stomach flips. You could. Theoretically, it's a smart option. It's a company you already know and love, your coworkers would be fantastic; you already know what your job would entail. It would be the smart choice. But Levi... god, even thinking of him makes your heart seize in your chest.

"You good?" Hange squeezes your shoulder. "Last day means a bunch of emotions, but save the tears for the party!"

Fuck- you hadn't realized your eyes were getting misty. "I'm- I'm fine," you stammer, shaking Hange's hand off of your shoulder. "Thanks."

You run from the kitchen, heading straight for the bathroom and blinking frustrated tears from your eyes.

.

Levi just wants today to be over with.

This entire week has been exceptionally awful. Levi can't remember that last time he's had such an irritating week. Work is slow, which normally he wouldn't complain about, but he desperately needs something to keep him occupied.

Today's your last day. He doesn't know if he's more upset or relieved. 

"Levi!" someone calls from outside the door, and he groans to himself. "Whatcha working on?"

"Fuck off, Four Eyes," he replies, but Hange barges into his office all the same. While the door's open, Levi's eyes subconsciously seek out your desk; you're not there. You must already be down in the warehouse for that holiday party. He jerks his head up before he can think about it for too long. "The hell do you want?"

Hange shuts the door, which raises some alarm bells. They rarely do that. "Just a couple questions before we go down to the party!" they chirp brightly, grabbing the spare chair in his office and sitting down. 

Levi would rather not. "About what? I'm busy."

"No you're not. And it's about the intern!" Levi's spine stiffens, but it's such a minor shift that he hopes Hange doesn't catch it. "You know, just a performance evaluation. For my records."

"You've never done this before," he says, tipping his head down to glare at his file.

"Yes I have. You just don't remember it." Hange props their elbows up on his desk, cocking their head around the monitor. "C'mon, Levi. Tell me about her."

"Fuck off," he repeats.

"You like her, don't you?"

"Sure," Levi says absently, pretending to be engrossed in his report. He flips the page and his eyes catch on a sticky note- it's your handwriting. It's just a note with a question about one of the paragraphs, but it makes him feel sick to his stomach. He finally looks up; Hange has a weird look in their eyes. "What?" he snaps.

Hange snags one of the pens from his desk and taps it off of the monitor. "I thought you didn't like peppermint tea."

"I don't."

"Then why're you drinking it and depleting my stash?" they whine, poking Levi's hand. He scowls and smacks their hand away. "C'mon, I thought you hated it."

"Maybe I love it now," he says sarcastically, looking back at his report.

"Levi, just admit you like the intern and move on," Hange says with a dramatic sigh. Levi's shoulders tighten. "Besides," they say, and Levi doesn't like their tone of voice because it almost sounds like they're piecing together a puzzle, "it seems they're attached to you too."

Levi doesn't like where this is going. "The fuck are you implying?"

"That you've been fucking like rabbits for the past few months."

His expression goes slack, and a whirlwind of thoughts rush through his mind so quickly that he can barely contain them all. Did you actually fucking tell Hange that the two of you had been hooking up? What the hell? He knew you were pissed off and furious or something but he thought you were smarter than that, smart enough not to tell fucking HR- hell, were you trying to get him fired? Was this some sort of petty revenge? 

"How'd you..." Levi starts, angry but not quite sure whether it's directed at you, Hange, himself, or the entire fucking world. "Did she tell you?"

Hange's jaw drops. "Oh my god. Actually? Shit- actually?"

He pauses. "Wait, Four Eyes-"

"Oh, holy shit," they breathe, arms reaching out to grip the sides of the chair. Levi's starting to realize what's going on, but it's cemented when Hange adds, "we can add expert guess work to my list of qualifications."

They didn't know. They had no idea- Hange fucking guessed and he fucking confirmed it. Levi's not sure whether he wants to kill everyone in this building or himself.

"I can't-" they start.

"Hange," Levi snaps, reaching across the desk and seizing their wrist. "Wait."

"Don't worry, don't worry," Hange says immediately, "as long as you tell me every single detail, I won't report you to HR."

His eyebrow twitches. "You are HR."

"Minor details."

"How'd you..." he trails off again. Part of Levi wonders if you and him were too obvious, said too much- if Hange found out, then what about others? "How'd you figure it out?"

"It was just a lucky guess," they say casually, shrugging. "To be honest, I just thought you liked her. You've been in a great mood for the past while- well, as great of a mood as you can be, at least- except for this last week, and she's been pretty stressed out for the past week too, and- well, just today I found out that you've been drinking the tea she makes you, no matter what it is or how shitty it is," Hange says. "And I know that's a big thing for you, Levi."

He snorts. "It's not that big of a deal."

"Tell that to every other intern you emotionally scarred."

Levi groans and lets go of Hange's wrist, then presses his hands to his forehead. This is probably the worst case scenario; he's fucked, and so are you. He could get fired, and there's no way that you're going to take the position here now that fucking HR knows-

"Oi! Levi!" Hange reaches a hand out and flicks the back of his hands. Levi looks up, glaring. "It's fine. I'm not going to tell anyone. I just want to understand."

"Fuck off," he mutters.

Hange takes that as a sign that they're getting no information out of him, and decides to start hypothesizing on their own. "So you two got together at some point," they reason, and Levi resist the urge to smack them, "and that's why you've been so nice to everyone."

"I haven't been nice," Levi snarls.

"You haven't thrown anything at me in months, Levi. Months!"

"We can change that."

Hange ignores him. "I was talking to her in the kitchen, and when I mentioned you, she stiffened up and got defensive. And then I realized you were taking all of the tea she made you, and hey, you'd been in a good mood for a while, ever since she got here, but even if it was just the fact she was competent, you still wouldn't take her tea-"

"So," Levi says icily, "you came to the conclusion that we were fucking because I've been drinking your peppermint tea."

"Well, not really. I just thought maybe you liked her. And she liked you." Hange shrugs. "I didn't actually think you were together. I was just trying to fluster you." They laugh. "And it definitely worked!"

Levi wants to sink into the floor and never return. This has to be the singularly worst moment of his entire life. "Get out," he says halfheartedly. "We're not talking about this. We're not together."

"Wait," Hange says slowly, tapping a finger to their lips. "You'd think her getting a job offer here would be great then, wouldn't it?" Levi doesn't have time to question how Hange knows about the job offer- well, they're HR, of course Erwin would tell them. "So why was she so upset early? And..."

They trail off. "Don't say another word," Levi threatens.

Naturally, Hange ignores him. "You said you two were fucking- that you weren't together," they say slowly, and Levi can see the pieces fitting together like a puzzle and he hates every second of it. "So not a relationship, sort of, but... oh. A fuck buddy!"

"I'm going to kill you."

"Wait, wait, wait, let me guess. You found out she might be staying and you chickened out."

Levi glares at them. "Why the fuck are you assuming I'm the problem?"

"Aren't you always? C'mon, Levi, we've been friends for a long time," Hange pushes, smiling. "I know you've got commitment issues."

"I do not."

"Then what's the issue?"

"I'm not talking about this with you."

"Fine, then I'll do the talking." They lean forward. "You thought it was going to be an easy four month thing, and then she'd be gone. But now she might not be leaving and you panicked. You're the scariest guy I know, but you're scared of the stupidest shit sometimes, Levi."

Hange's guess is unfairly accurate and Levi feels sick to his stomach. "I hate you," is all he can manage.

Their expression softens. "Do you like her?"

"That- that doesn't matter," Levi snaps, trying to regain his composure. "Relationships never- they never fucking work. It'd be stupid to try. Besides, she- we're professionals, we can-" holy hell why is he stammering so much- "we can just work professionally. She won't be my intern. We'll make it work. It's fine. It's easier to just- to just go from here rather than have something not work out, and then- well- fuck."

God, he's going to combust.

"You're blushing," Hange points out.

Levi swats a hand at them. They dodge. "I'm not. Fuck off."

"You do like her," they conclude softly, and Levi wants to throw himself off of a cliff. Instead, he settles for smacking himself in the forehead with his file report. "Levi, you're allowed to be in a relationship, you know. You don't have to isolate yourself. I bet she likes you too! Especially if- well, you know, you've been at it for months."

His head feels like it's splitting in two. "Fuck off," he repeats. "I let this go too far. I never should've let this go on in the first place. Just- just leave."

Hange ignores him, as per usual. "Levi," they say, "just the fact you haven't forcibly thrown me out of your office yet is a sign that you want help with this."

"I do not," Levi lies, knowing that Hange can see right through him and god does he hate it. "Get out."

"Levi, she- she hasn't taken the job yet."

His eyebrows shoot to the top of his forehead. "What?" he snaps. He'd assumed you'd taken the job- why wouldn't you? "Why the fuck not?"

"If I had to guess?" Hange says. "You."

Levi leans back in his chair and presses his palms to his forehead, then spins in his seat so that he's no longer facing Hange. When you told him Erwin had offered the position, he just assumed you meant that you were taking it. It would be a good job with people you already knew and a position you already understood- you'd be stupid not to. And you were throwing that away because of him? He's not worth that.

"This won't be another situation like Petra," Hange says.

Levi's head shoots up so fast that he can hear one of the bones in his neck crack. "That has nothing to do with this," he insists feebly.

"Does it?" they question, leaning closer into the desk. "Because it sounds an awful lot like you're trying not to have a repeat of that."

"So what if I am?" he challenges. "You saw how well that turned out. I fucked that one up beyond repair- I can't do that again."

"She's not Petra, Levi."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

"Fuck off, Shitty Glasses."

Hange sighs, and Levi's impressed by their patience- he half expected them to leave after the fourth 'fuck off'. "Levi, I don't know anything about your relationship with her," they say, "but I do know you. And I know you've been in a good mood for the past few months. I know that this situation isn't unfamiliar to you, but I can promise you that it's automatically different just because of who you're talking about. She's different than Petra, Levi. You know that. Besides, you've learned from that. You're not that person anymore."

Levi presses his palms to his temples, trying to think. There's too many things bouncing around his brain right now, and it feels like he can't organize a single thought.

"She was supposed to be gone," he mutters. "She could- she could just leave after her four months, and I wouldn't have to think about her again. It was- it was safe."

"Safe, because you didn't even have to consider a relationship," Hange adds.

He doesn't verbalize his agreement, but he guesses that they already know they're right. "I didn't think I'd..." Levi trails off.

Hange fills in the blanks. "You didn't think you'd get attached," they supply softly. "You didn't think you'd want anything other than friends with benefits. Even if things got out of hand, she'd be gone and all would be well, but now she's made you consider the possibility of a real relationship and that scares the shit out of you."

Levi shoots them a patronizing glare. They don't back down. He turns his chair away from them and pinches the bridge of his nose. They're right, of course. Hange's much smarter than he gives them credit for sometimes.

"Fuck," he says with a long sigh.

"Fuck indeed," Hange agrees. "You've made quite the problem. And you've got to fix it."

Levi blinks, turning in his chair back towards them. They're standing up from the seat in front of his desk and heading to the door. He almost wants to tell them to stop, but he realizes just how hypocritical that would be; he's been telling Hange to fuck off and get out for the past fifteen minutes.

He wants an answer. He wants to know what the fuck he should do. He needs fucking help but he's too prideful to ask.

Like they're reading his mind, Hange stops in front of the door and turns back to him. "Look, Levi," they say quietly. He pretends he's not listening. "I've got nothing wrong with you two dating. Frankly, I'm all for it. I like not having things thrown at me. And I could probably find a loophole in HR policy." Their face softens. "But you need to get your shit together. And for the record," Hange adds, "I think you two would be a good couple."

He stares at them, not sure what to say.

"Well, everyone's gone down to the warehouse for the little holiday party," Hange chirps, jumping straight back into their good mood. "You'd better come down."

With that, they leave, their damage done. They close the door behind them.

Levi sighs to himself, cursing his pulsing migraine. He leans back in his chair.

It's true that Petra has been a rather large factor in his firm stance on dating you. And that's not your fault- that's not fair to you. Besides, at this point, he thinks he's much deeper into this than he ever was with Petra. Ironic, really. The harder he tried to avoid you, the harder he fell.

He wants to yell, to hit something, to kick his desk and break it.

Instead, Levi settles his forehead into his palms, and he sighs. As an afterthought, he pulls open the front drawer of his desk and rummages for a sticky note he shouldn't have saved. He should've realized that the moment he saved your note, he was screwed. 

Try not to break this one.

-R

The lamp.

He stares at the note for far too long. There's no denying it anymore. 

Levi pauses, thinking. He's wondering when it started, when he knew he was in love with you, but he can't pinpoint an exact moment. He had wondered for a long time what it meant to fall in love, but now, he realizes there is no falling at all- only being. That's what makes this so different from Petra. With her, he'd been mostly indifferent. Losing you feels like it's the end of the world.

And nothing has ever been so simultaneously enticing and terrifying.

But he's got to fix this. Hange was right. He has to at least apologize- explain things to you. You deserve that much. Whether you still mean what you said on Friday about liking him isn't up to him.

It doesn't matter whether he's colossally fucked this up beyond repair. He needs to try.

Levi pushes himself to his feet. He tucks your post-it note back into his desk, then pauses. After a great deal of consideration, Levi folds the note and carefully tucks it into his pocket. He walks around his desk, closing his office door behind him as he leaves.

He hopes he hasn't already lost you.