Ch 156

I felt the nerves before I even reached the water. 

My skin itched, not from grime, but from the thought of washing it all off. It had been days. Maybe longer. I'd lost count. But my body ached for it. 

The sweat, the dirt, the dried blood and dirt and travel, it clung to me. Literally. I needed to clean it off. But the idea of stepping into the lake again made my stomach turn. 

Last time I'd been in the lake, I hadn't walked out on my own. And even though everything felt a little more stable now, the thought of being alone in that water, quiet, weightless, vulnerable, made my chest tighten.

I didn't want to take the chance. So I asked him. Itachi didn't question me. He just followed me here, quiet as always. 

He had given me a reason for this to even happen. 

When he came back, he brought bandages and more first aid for me. I had my injuries at the back of my mind for days, not even thinking of getting them checked out or cared for. 

But when he brought it back, I knew I wasn't going to leave it alone anymore. I wasn't going to let him put it on when I was dirty, so I decided to finally take a hold of something, make a choice for myself. 

Now he stood a few paces back from the shoreline, arms crossed loosely, leaning against a tall pine with his back facing me. His presence was like a silent anchor. He wasn't watching. He didn't pry. But he was there. 

I stood at the edge of the lake, staring down at the still surface. The water rippled softly with the breeze, catching the early light just enough to glint like silver. 

My pulse fluttered. What if I got that feeling again? What if stepping into the water pulled me back down into those thoughts, those dark ones that always whispered when I was most alone? 

What if it felt too familiar? Too easy? I swallowed thickly and closed my eyes for a second, steadying my breathing. 

This is different, I told myself. You're not the same girl who sank beneath the surface last time. You got back up. You're still here. 

I opened my eyes again and looked over my shoulder. Itachi hadn't moved. Still facing away, still solid and quiet like some statue in the woods. I couldn't see his face, but I didn't need to. 

He knew why I asked him here. And he didn't make me explain it. That meant more than he probably realized. 

I turned back toward the water and slowly began to pull off my outer layers. The cool breeze brushed my bare skin, and my breath hitched. One step at a time. I could do this. I just had to trust that I would come back up this time. And I would. 

The clothes came off slowly, like my body wasn't entirely convinced this was a good idea. I folded them in a neat pile by the edge of the lake, half to keep them clean, half to stall. 

The air was cool against my skin, goosebumps rising almost instantly. I took a breath, then stepped forward. The water lapped at my feet first, cold, sharp, a bite that jolted through my nerves. 

I grit my teeth and kept walking. With each step, the chill crawled higher. Ankles. Knees. Thighs. The water felt like liquid glass, cutting and clear. My breath came faster, but I didn't stop. I didn't let myself. 

When it reached my waist, I paused, the cold wrapping around my middle. I stared at the rippling surface, heart hammering, legs trembling. Not from fear, exactly, though it was there, buzzing at the back of my skull, but from how alive everything suddenly felt. 

Then I took one more step, and the water reached my shoulders. My breath hitched again. For a long second, I froze, no movement, no sound but the soft lapping of water around me. I stood completely still, like even the smallest ripple might trigger something. 

But... it didn't. 

I waited for panic to claw its way up my throat. Waited for the flashbacks, the dark thoughts, the slow unraveling I remembered too well. Waited for my body to betray me again. 

They didn't come. 

The water stayed cold, but nothing else happened. And then, slowly, so slowly, I felt my shoulders drop. My jaw unclenched. My hands loosened where they'd been half-curled under the surface. 

I exhaled. The tension bled out of me into the lake. My muscles stopped screaming. My mind quieted. I tilted my head back and let the water soak my hair, the strands floating gently around me. 

I would've thought I'd develop a phobia of water after what happened. But surprisingly... I hadn't. It still scared me a little, that wasn't gone. But the lake didn't feel like an enemy. It wasn't trying to take anything from me. It was just cold. 

I let my eyes fall closed for a moment and allowed myself to just exist in the lake. I was here. I was okay. 

I splashed the water gently with one hand, watching the ripples spread across the surface. It was a small, silly movement, but it made me laugh under my breath. 

Then I did it again, a little bigger this time, sending droplets flying. I giggled. Actually giggle-giggled like some kid playing in the bath. 

The sound felt strange coming out of me, like it didn't quite belong, but I didn't stop it either. It felt... good. 

Stupid, maybe. But good. 

I dunked myself under briefly and started scrubbing at my arms and face, wiping away the last few days of dirt and sweat and grime. 

The cold helped keep my mind sharp. Present. I washed my hair next, squeezing the strands out before pushing myself toward the shallows where I'd left my clothes. 

I gave them a good rinse too, scrubbing them against each other as best I could in the water. They'd still smell like travel, but at least now it wouldn't be rotting-in-a-cave travel. 

Once I was done, I set the clothes on a flat rock to dry and swam back out. Just a little further. Just far enough that the lake opened up around me, the trees falling away behind the curve of the water. 

I let myself float, arms out, eyes open to the sky. The water cradled me, cold, sure, but not cruel. My hair spread around me like seaweed, catching in the light. 

Above me, the sky was a pure, endless blue. No clouds. No storm. Just... peace. 

My body rocked gently with the water's movement, barely any effort needed to keep afloat. And in that moment, nothing hurt. My chest didn't ache. My thoughts weren't loud. My heart wasn't dragging behind my ribs like a dying thing. 

I just felt light. Like for once, I wasn't full of weight I didn't know how to carry. My eyes burned, but I wasn't crying. I blinked up at the sky and whispered it before I could second-guess myself. 

"I don't want to die," I said softly. The words floated out of me like a truth I hadn't dared say aloud. "I just don't want to feel like this." 

And finally, I understood the difference.

A/n I'm not crying! You're crying! But seriously, these feelings won't go away just like that. They need to be seen in a different light, to be understood so that they heal and dull with time. I hope you enjoyed these chapters, because I don't write trauma just for the fun, i do it because who wouldn't be feeling like crap half the time. Think of what Ishi went through, how would you fare? Would you make the same choices? Tell me in the comments because I love reading different views! Enjoy~