52

The new medical wing was more of a collection of hastily put together rooms. All of the beds from the old bay had been brought down, shoved two a piece into the much smaller collection of spare rooms that had been used to store extra gear. They felt quite cramped with all the monitors, medication, equipment, and bandages that had been packed inside.

Saedii sat uncomfortably on one of the beds. Across from her, AZI was patient as he waited.

If she was being honest, she didn't want to be here. Talking about what she'd gone through – it felt like the worst kind of torture. But after speaking with Obi-Wan and the others, Saedii was determined to do whatever she could to get over this. She wanted to help them find their lost brothers and sisters.

"Sorry," Saedii muttered. Sweat was already dripping down the back of her neck.

"You have nothing to apologize for. You can take all the time you need." AZI was eternally patient, in the way that only medical droids could be. Still, the feel of his too big eyes on her was nerve-wracking.

One hand shook in her lap. Seriously, what was wrong with her? AZI hadn't even asked her a tough question yet. He'd only asked how she was feeling.

Swallowing, Saedii finally choked, "I'm...not okay today. Or any day, really."

Vague. Stupid and vague and grossly playing down the torment she felt.

AZI merely prompted, "In what way?"

"I just – I don't know. I don't feel like me anymore."

"Who do you feel like?"

"Someone else. Something else."

"So not only do you no longer feel like your old self, but you also equate this new existence to something less than human?"

He was doing a better job of describing her own feelings than she was. "Exactly."

The droid's unblinking eyes took her in, zeroing in on the way that Saedii clutched her necklace between both hands. She hadn't let it go since she stepped through the door. "This old self that you compare yourself to – how do you see her? Can you describe her to me?"

"She was – I mean, I was fearless. Confident," Saedii started, breathless. "I wasn't afraid of anything and I fought for what I believed in. And I definitely wouldn't have let something like imprisonment mess me up so badly."

"You believe your new self is weak?"

"Yes."

There. She'd said it – the secret thought that had been plaguing her since she realized she was freed from Krell's dungeons. She was weak now – an empty shell. Nothing but a shadow of her former self.

"Why do you believe this?" AZI asked.

Saedii scoffed. "Look at me, AZI. I can't let go of this damn necklace without spiraling into a damn panic attack. I went nearly catatonic just picking up my lightsabers a few days ago, and every time I sleep, I wake up screaming with nightmares."

"These are all perfectly acceptable responses to trauma," he pointed out. "But you seem to hold yourself above such things."

"I'm a Jedi. I shouldn't have trauma."

That bulbous head of his leaned back. It was such a human gesture. A strange quirk in his programming to help set her at ease. "Jedi are human. They feel emotion just as everyone else does. It seems normal that a Jedi who has been through what you have would feel a strong emotional response."

She shook her head, resolute. "We train for this. Master Plo would have never –"

The words were out before she realized what she'd been saying. Something rippled across her face, and she clenched her jaw to stop the surprised breath she nearly took.

Thoughts of Plo were kept in the furthest, deepest part of her mind. Even now, lightyears away and surrounded by friends, she couldn't face what he had become. What her false memories told her.

"You place your Master on a very high pedestal."

Her jaw worked again. She said nothing.

"Yet you still seem to have trouble speaking of him," AZI observed. "Have your memories of him changed since you've been freed? Or are Krell's false implants still forefront at your mind?"

"I still...I don't know," she admitted. The necklace dug into the thin skin of her palm. "I still get mad when I think about him sometimes. Still get afraid. But other times, when I think about him by accident, I really miss him."

AZI nodded, as if that was normal. Which it definitely wasn't. "From speaking with your friend Kalth, it appears that Krell's influence will not last forever. Your true memories of your master will return with time."

Saedii didn't have anything to say to that. Part of her really did want her real memories back. But another part of her didn't. Not that she knew what had become of him.

"Do you want these memories back?" AZI asked, surprising her with how perceptive he was.

Ruffled, Saedii admitted, "I don't know."

"Why?"

She glared a hole through the ground. Unable to say the words out loud.

"Is it because he has become a Sith Lord? The one known as Darth Vader."

Tears pricked at the back of her eyes. This time, she gripped the rock so hard in her hand that she was surprised it didn't break.

Memories flashed behind her eyes.

A cold gloved hand against her sweaty brow. Unforgiving stone at her back. Searing pain at her left shoulder. Burning tears on her cheek.

Close by, a deep voice intoned, "There is a rule among the Sith. The only law that we follow, to ensure our line never dies."

Saedii tried to turn away, to escape the hand that held her, but the gloved fingers curled around the curve of her head. Holding tight to her scalp. Keeping her still.

"We call it the Rule of Two."

"No!"

Her voice was too loud – a scream and a plea, all in one.

It fell on deaf ears. "Every Sith must find an heir to take up the mantle. Every Master must have an apprentice."

Terror curled around her throat, making it hard to breathe. She sobbed, trying to escape the hand that held her. The darkness that pressed close by, tugging at her. Whispering promises in her ear.

"You are to be my new apprentice."

"No!" Saedii screamed, fighting. A pointless fight – the bonds wouldn't break. "No, I won't! I'll never serve the Dark Side."

A helmeted face appeared above her – black and warped, a wicked play on the comforting helmets of the Clones. And behind that helmet, watching her with cold unfeeling eyes, was the face of her master.

"You will."

When Saedii blinked back into the room, she was curled up on the bed, gasping. Her chest shook with a terrible, hitching sound – weeping, she realized. She was crying.

Tears burned along her cheeks, down her chin. At her throat, her hands shook as she gripped the stone.

Real. This was real.

She was away. She was safe.

"General Synn, are you alright?" AZI was hovering over her, concerned. One metal hand reached out, but paused as she shied away. "Do you need me to get you something?"

She choked, shaking her head. Real, she reminded herself. This is real.

"What is real?"

Had she been saying that out loud? Saedii shut her eyes and clamped her mouth shut, trying to breathe through her nose.

AZI pressed, "You are awake, General. You are safe here on Teth. There is nothing here that can hurt you."

"I know," Saedii snapped. The rock in her hand proved that.

"Can you tell me five things that you see?"

"What?" Such an odd question. Strange enough that Saedii finally looked up into his too bright eyes.

The droid was unfazed by her tone. Hovering close enough to be a comfort, but not to touch. "Tell me five things that you see in this room."

Surprised, Saedii answered, "I – I see you, the bed, rolls of bandages, a monitor, and an IV stand."

"Now four things that you feel."

"My necklace. The bed sheets. The mattress. And my shirt."

"Three things you hear."

Her heart was slowing in her chest. "Your voice. One of the monitors beeping. And Clones down the hall."

"Two things you smell."

Saedii closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in through her nose. To her surprise, this one didn't feel like it got caught in her throat. "Antiseptic. And flowers."

"One thing you taste."

Something bitter danced on the back of her tongue. "Blood."

"Very good." He was observing her still, taking in the way her body had relaxed from the tight ball it had been bound in. His head tilted to the side. "How do you feel now?"

The tension in her shoulders had faded. So too had her fist loosened around the stone in her grasp, cradling it gently between her fingers. The erratic beating of her heart was now gentled.

"Better," Saedii admitted. Slowly, she sat back into a seated position.

"You appear to still be suffering from acute episodes of panic. I believe that they are tied to your memories of the abuse you suffered while in the tombs of Nur," AZI explained carefully. "Your initial diagnosis does not seem to have improved."

"I told you," Saedii said, more forcefully than she meant. "I'm weak."

"No, but you still have a long recovery ahead of you. It will take time and many sessions like this to undo the psychological damage you have gone through."

"I want to be better now."

"Treatment for your condition cannot be sped up. I am sorry."

Glaring, Saedii wrapped her arms around herself. This session had been a waste of time. All AZI had proved to her was that she was more broken than she'd realized.

It was disappointing. Ever since Kalth had woken up, Saedii had been sure she'd felt more like herself. Been sure that the damage Krell had inflicted on her was slowly being undone.

She should have known better.

"Are you sure I'll ever be better?"

Her voice was very quiet when she spoke. She couldn't help the crush of fear on her chest as she imagined what would happen if she didn't get better.

In her head, she saw as Anakin and the others went out alone to search for surviving Jedi. How they struggled without an extra pair of hands. Then, it wasn't the Jedi who struggled without her, but Rex and his Clones, taking heavy losses as they tried to storm a weapons factory. All because Saedii wasn't there to help.

And then there was the Batch.

What was she supposed to do if she couldn't protect her family anymore? What if they needed her and she devolved into the same weeping ball that she had only moments before?

What if she failed them?

"I know it may seem impossible," AZI said, rather gently for the droid, "but you will heal."

"But will I ever be who I was before?"

"That I cannot say."

Equal parts anger and fear tightened around her chest, like a massive snake was slowly crushing the life from her. That pit that Saedii had felt yawning within, slowly eating away at her, suddenly felt like a blackhole – infinite and never ending. A darkened shadow where her light used to burn.

More than anything, Saedii wished that she could feel whole again. Wished that the pit and all the terrible memories from the past year would go away, and she could go back to being herself again. All she wanted was to no longer be afraid – of Krell, of the nightmares, and of herself.

"Have you spoken with anyone else about how you feel?" AZI asked after a moment.

She shook her head. She'd tried to hide as much of this as she could from Hunter and the rest. Though, if she was being honest with herself, they likely suspected that she was putting on a brave face. Hunter was the one who comforted her each time the nightmares woke her.

"Perhaps, if you spoke with Omega or your fellow Jedi, they can make you feel better –"

"They wouldn't."

Hunter, Omega, Wolffe, Crosshair, and all the rest – they would never tell her that she wasn't enough. Would never hurt her feelings like that.

But Saedii would know. Who she was now, after Krell had taken so much, was not good enough – for her friends, for the Rebellion, for the Jedi.

And definitely not for herself.

AZI's hands nervously wrung in front of him. "Hearing them say that they do not find you lacking may help –"

"I think I'm done." Saedii jumped down from the bed, still clutching her necklace. Sweat dampened the back of her white shirt. She felt cold.

The droid gave a reluctant sigh. "I suppose we can stop for today. When would you like to schedule your next psychiatric session?"

"Do I have to do more?"

"If you truly want to get better."

Scowling, Saedii said, "I'll come next week. I don't want to be here anymore than I have to."

If AZI was offended by that, he didn't show. Just accepted this with a firm nod of his head.

In the hallway, Hunter was waiting for her. He'd insisted on walking her down to her session and waiting in the hall for her. As much as she'd wanted to ask him to leave, she'd been too much of a coward. Knowing he'd been outside the whole time was the only reason she'd even gone inside.

Hunter took one look at the look on Saedii's face and stepped towards her. "You okay?"

There was no point in lying. "No."

"Do you need anything?"

She hesitated. Then, with a little sigh of defeat, leaned into him.

Immediately, his arms came around her, pulling her close. The familiar earthy scent that always clung to his skin filled her nose – a welcome reprieve after the sharp antiseptic of the medical room. Warmth danced along her chilled spine as he rested his cheek on the top of her head, brushing a hand down her braided hair.

"It'll get easier," he promised.

She pressed her face against his chest. Listening to his heart, which was beating steadier than hers.

"I'm proud of you for going. It's not easy."

No, it hadn't been. In fact, it had been far harder than Saedii had anticipated. She hadn't expected to crumble so easily. Just the mere mention of Plo and the tombs had sent her into a panic.

His arms tightened around her. Strange how, in the span of only a few years, it was his arms that Saedii craved when she was upset. His company that seemed to make everything just a little easier. Where Plo had once been her source of comfort, Hunter now filled that role.

Last year, she'd told him that he wasn't her father. It had been a lie when she'd said it – a lie meant to hurt him, though he'd brushed it off. But now, he'd truly become the father she'd never had. Had filled the spot that Plo might have, had they had more time together.

"You'll get through this. Me and the boys – we'll do whatever you need to get you better. I promise you won't have to do this alone," he said quietly in her ear.

When Saedii pulled away, he wrapped an arm around her, tucked her into his side, and guided her back down the hall.