Chapter 39

Next day, Esined (Auntie Pooka |played by Kash Doll| in mm)

"Mama," I said. "I wanna talk to you about something serious,"

"What's that, baby girl?" she played in my hair.

"Dad,"

She cleared her throat. "What about him?"

"Did you know about what he did in his past?"

"The bad things?"

"Yeah,"

"I found out things after I married him,"

"Things like him killing people?"

"How do you know these things?"

"I searched him up..."

"Why?"

"I feel like he's my dad and I barely know him because he's so secretive. I was curious,"

"I understand that,"

"I don't know, I guess I just feel like I should know things about him,"

"And you should. Some things he hid, thinking we wouldn't find out or shouldn't know. I feel like we deserve to know it all,"

"Especially you. You were his wife and he lied to you. You aren't supposed to lie to your partner,"

"Yeah, through the whole damn marriage," she mumbled. "Almost twenty years of my life with a liar, racist bastard, and a woman beater that I can't get back. Played me for years and I was just acting like I couldn't see shit,"

I looked at her, shocked. "Why are you cursing?"

"I'm sorry, baby. Trust me, when you've been through it, sometimes you just have to let out the curse words,"

"I understand..." I said. "What do you mean Dad was racist? How can he be racist if he was married to you?"

"A lot of white men have this thing with fetishizing black women, but not actually loving them. A lot of other white people do too. It's like loving the culture, but not loving the people, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah,"

"So, I mistook him fetishizing me as love," I said. "I should have left him when he told me I wasn't like other black people. One time he let his dad call me and you a... you know,"

"He let that happen? Mama why didn't you leave then?"

"I thought I had something to prove... He already taken me away from my family and I thought they hated me. I tried to call them and my dad cursed me out. I thought I really only had Eric and you left,"

"You didn't want to be on your own?"

"I couldn't. I didn't have anyone to help me with you or anything. I didn't have a job or anywhere else to live. He wouldn't let me leave anyway,"

"There was shelters and everything, ma,"

"Tried that," she mumbled. "I bet it sounds like I wasn't trying to leave. Trust me, I was. Everything I tried, he found me when I least expected. I tried leaving while he was sleep, gone at work, everything... Just seemed like he always knew when I was leaving or where I was and he'd end up coming back home for some stupid reason,"

"Like?"

"Oh, forgot my hat or something like I didn't even get to kiss my girls goodbye... He'd always say that. He'd play the good husband role on me. I'd be standing at the door with my bags and you in my arms and he'd open the door while I was leaving. Sometimes he'd cry and beg me to stay. Sometimes he'd warn me and tell that I had fifteen seconds to go back to the room and pretend that I wasn't about to leave him," she shook her head.

"Have you tried to call the cops?"

"Yeah,"

"What happened?"

"They didn't believe me,"

"What do you mean? Why didn't they believe you?"

"I called them and when they showed up, I ran outside with a bloody nose. He came outside with you in his arms and he played his part well. He denied hitting me. Said that I was crazy, hitting myself because we argued. They spoke to him and I don't know what was said, but I know he worked his white privilege,

I frowned. "They didn't even handcuff him?"

"Nope,"

"Wow. That's not right. He's not right in the head at all,"

"Eric is an evil man and I never thought I'd ever hate someone until I knew him... He made me realize how weak and stupid I am. How could I ever let a boy control me and my entire life? I regret staying with him everyday, but at least I got a few good things out of it,"

"You aren't stupid or weak, mama. What's the good out of it?"

"I got you, a new mindset, your brother on the way, and Erica. She may not be with me physically, but she's in my heart,"

"How do you remain positive after all of this?"

"God,"

I looked at her as she twisted my hair.

"Without him, I am nothing. I knew I couldn't find the strength to leave Eric without restoring my faith and love in God,"

"That's beautiful," I said quietly. "How do you feel about yourself after all that dad has done?"

She shrugged.

"Why the shrug?"

"I don't know how I feel about myself,"

"Do you love yourself?"

"Why are you asking this?"

"I'm just curious. When people get hurt or abused, they never really get asked how they feel about themselves afterwards. They get asked how they feel about their abuser and what their abuser did..."

"I've never really noticed that,"

"My question," I said. "Do you love yourself?"

"Not really," she admitted.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't forgive myself for what I allowed him to do,"

"But they were his actions. You can't control his actions,"

"And my actions let him think that what he was doing was acceptable. I was stupid and stayed. For almost twenty years, I let a man control and manipulate me... For some lopsided love. You can't excuse my stupidity as much as you want to. I know you want to because you're my daughter, but you can't,"

"You're worth so much more than you believe you are, Mama. And at least you tried to leave,"

"I didn't try hard enough,"

"But you tried. A lot of women don't try,"

She sighed. "Every night I pray you don't end up like this... I pray that you never run into another man like him. If he hurts you once, he more than likely will do it again," she looked at me. "Don't stay with someone who hurts you, okay?"

"I won't," I said.

"I like August and I think he's a great guy, but I haven't known him for long, so be careful, okay?"

"Okay,"

She yawned.

"Tired, huh?"

"Yeah. He makes me tired," she giggled, placing her hand on her round stomach.

I smiled. "It'll be worth it though,"

"I know, but he's a piece of work. Always doing so much in there,"

I sat up and placed my hands on her stomach. I felt a kick and I got excited. "Awe, he's kicking,"

She smiled.

"Mama, how far you now?"

"Almost seven months,"

"I can't wait to meet him," I smiled. "Are you leaving soon?"

She nodded. "Tuesday,"

I frowned. "Will I see you again before you have him?"

"I'll try my best to see you again before and hopefully when I have him. I want you to be there,"

"I want to be there too," I said. "I want you to meet my teacher that I was telling you about before you leave,"

"The one who told you that story?"

"Yeah,"

"What's his name again?"

"Mr. Togel,"

"Hmm. Okay," she yawned again.

"We can talk later. Get some sleep," I stood up pulled the cover back.

She laid down and I pulled the cover over her. "Have fun on your date,"

"I will. Thank you," I kissed her cheek.

"I love you, Essy,"

"I love you too, Mama," I smiled before leaving her room. I softly closed the door.

"Boo!" I heard a deep voice.

I jumped, holding my chest. "Stop doing that, Travis!"

Travis started laughing. "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist,"

"You're mean. Just like your brother," I frowned.

"No I'm not. I just like scarin' you. Stop doing that, Travis," he mocked my voice, laughing as he walked off.

"I'm telling August!" I told him.

He shrugged, still laughing.

Travis was the only not so good part about living here. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike him, but I dislike some of the things that he does. He's funny and nice, when he wants to be.

I went to August's room and knocked.

"Come in," he said.

I walked in, ready to complain. "If Travis scares me one more time, he's going to feel my wrath. This is the fourth time this month and I'm tired of it,"

August started laughing.

"Stop laughing. I'm serious, August. I'm not playing with your brother,"

He chuckled, shaking his head. "You gon' beat him up or somethin'?"

"No, I can't fight," I laughed.

He looked at me. "You can't fight? Then whatchu mean he's gonna feel yo la wrath?"

"I don't know. I'm just talking," I shrugged.

"Oh. You just talkin' shit. A lot of people do dat these days and neva back it up,"

I folded my arms. "Stop it,"

"Why you wanna be my mama so bad?"

"I'm not trying to be your mama,"

"Yes, you is-"

"It's are. As in yes, you are,"

"I know dat,"

"Then why'd you say is?"

"Why you always correctin' me?"

"If you weren't incorrect, I wouldn't have to correct you,"

"It's how I talk. Why you got so much mouth?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

He signaled talking with his hand by tapping the tip of his index and middle fingers on his thumb.

"What are you trying to say?"

"You talk too much shit, especially ta me," he laughed. "Always correctin' me and threatenin' ta fight me... Knowin' you can't even swing at air,"

"I feel tried,"

"You should," he chuckled.

"Teach me how to fight,"

"Fa what? You too pretty ta be tryna fight,"

"So I can defend myself,"

"From?"

"Just in case anyone ever wants to fight me," I shrugged.

"I don't think you'll have ta worry about dat,"

"Why not?"

"You don't mess wit nobody,"

"But people mess with me,"

"Who?" he finally looked at me.

"Nobody. Forget I asked,"

"Don't play wit me,"

"You know who it is,"

"Baybeh, don't worry 'bout her. She can't fight,"

"But she can beat me up. I can't fight to save my life. I don't even know how to get angry,"

"Bet she ain't gon' touch you. Especially not if I'm there," he said. "And I noticed dat you neva get mad. And even when you do, you turn it into a joke, you don't stay upset fa long, or you flip it on yourself. You're very passive,"

I sighed. "I'm tired of you reading me,"

"Sorry," he chuckled. "I'm just observant,"

"You're aggressive," I said.

"No I'm not," he mumbled, going back to drawing.

"Yes, you are,"

"I'm assertive, not aggressive,"

"Hmm," I twisted my lips to the side. "Anyway, what are you drawing?"

"I don't know yet," he mumbled.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, why you ask?"

"You seem standoffish,"

"I'm good,"

"You sure? If you want to talk about it, we c-"

He interrupted me by sighing. It was just any sigh, it was more of a I-don't-want-to-talk sigh.

"Sorry..." I mumbled, messing with my fingertips. "I won't ask about it anymore,"

He looked at me. "No, baybeh. I'm seriously fine. I'm just chillin',"

"I didn't mean to bother you,"

"I ain't mean ta make it seem like I was irritated. I'm not," he sat his sketch book to the side and patted his lap.

I put my legs over his and wrapped my arms around his neck.

He held me up, putting his hand on my lower back. "I'm not irritated with you, baybeh. I'm just a little out of it for some reason,"

"Why?"

"I have no clue, honestly,"

"I hate that feeling. You know, when you're sad or upset, but you don't know why?"

"That's how I'm feeling right now,"

"Well, when or if you figure out what's wrong, you can talk to me about it. Okay?"

He nodded. "I will,"

"Promise?" I put out my pinky finger.

He smiled and locked our fingers.

"You wanna get your mind off of it?"

"Yeah,"

"We can draw together,"

"Alright,"

"I'm gonna get my book then I'll be back,"

He let me good and I got off up his lap. I went to my room and got my sketch book. I went back to his room.

August and I sat on his bed, drawing. He'd often look at me and I'd do the same to him. Although we sat in silence and no words were exchanged, it was nice and I enjoyed every moment of it.

We decided to cancel our date and have it for another time. I suggested that we should cancel it because he wasn't in the best mood.

"Whatchu draw?" he asked me.

"Nothiiing," I smiled.

The whole time, we hid our drawings from each other.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours,"

"Trade books," I closed mine and he closed his. We traded books and opened them.

"Dats amazin'," he said.

I only drew an owl with a moon behind it. I looked at August's drawing and smiled. "Awe. You drew me. This is beautiful. Thank you so much," I kissed his cheek.

"No problem," he smiled.

I looked him. "You're such a sweetheart... Sometimes," I joked.

"I'm always a sweetheart,"

"Hmm," I laughed and so did he. "Can we cuddle?"

"You know I don't like dat shit,"

"August," I pouted.

"Don't do dat,"

I poked out my bottom lip more.

He looked away from me.

"Pleeease,"

"Esined, no,"

"Please? I just wanna be in your arms. Here you go, being mean,"

"I'm not bein' mean,"

"Yes, you are. Why don't you want to cuddle?"

"Because," he mumbled. "I get nervous when I'm really close ta you,"

"Awwwe," I cheesed. "That's so cute,"

"Stop," he covered his face.

"I make you nervous," I teased, pulling his hands down from his face.

"Mane, gone somewhere wit allat mushy shit,"

"Fine," I stood up.

"Baybeh, where you goin'?" he whined.

"You just said-"

"I didn't think you was gon' really get up and go,"

I folded my arms. "Make up your mind. Do you want to be all mushy with me or be mean and insensitive?"

"Mushy... To an extent,"

"Okay. I guess I can try not to pressure you to be too mushy with me because that's annoying,"

"I guess I can cuddle wit you,"

I smiled. "We can watch A Different World too,"

He stood up and stretched. We went to the movie room. He laid down on his back.

"You usually lay on your stomach," I said.

"I know," he said. "Switch it up,"

"How am I supposed to lay now?"

He started laughing.

"What's funny?"

"You're so innocent. Dats real cute,"

"Sooo... Where do I lay?"

He patted his lap.

"You're nasty,"

"I didn't even do anything,"

"You know what you're doing," I swung my leg over and lifted my other, straddling him. I put hands on his chest to balance myself.

"Let me find out," he mumbled before laughing.

"Find out what?"

"Dat you a lil freak,"

I frowned. "August please,"

It felt weird to be sitting on his lap like this.

August lifted a little and I felt him press against me.

I hopped off of him.

"You good?"

"Did you just do that on purpose?"

"Do what?" He lifted, grabbing something from the cushions. "Was pokin' me in my back," he sat it on the stand above his head.

"I- never mind," I said.

I thought he lifted like that on purpose, but there was something poking him.

"You alright?"

"Yes,"

"Why you get up?"

"I-I felt you press against me,"

"Whatchu mean?"

"You know?" I mumbled, motioning my hand.

"Oh!" he started laughing. "I ain't mean ta do dat. I'm sorry. You good?"

I nodded.

"I'll sit up if dat make you feel betta," he sat up and I sat in between his legs. "Betta?"

"Yep,"

He kissed my cheek and turned on the episode. His arms were around me loosely. His hands rested on my stomach.

I leaned back onto, getting comfortable because I knew we were going to be down here for hours.

-Hi. I feel horrible. I lied to y'all, accidentally.

Y'all were supposed to get this update on Friday :( I got busy af. Planning for my birthday.

But This Thing Called Life dropped! Who bought it? My brother bought it for me.

What's y'all favorite song on TTCL?

Tbh, the album is too good to choose one song.

Warning, this book is about to have a huge jump soon.

Also, I spoke to Marissa, aka "Esined" and she didn't mind being called Esined in her Instagram comments lol. She said that it's amazing how deep y'all are into the characters.

Can y'all do me a favor and follow my little cousin? I'm going to be helping her writer her first book and it'd be lovely if y'all followed her :] -> @Tayrria

Anyway. How do y'all feel about this story? Any questions?

Excuse typos please.

Bomments & Votes are appreciated.

Much love, Shia. Xoxo