Thirty-Two

I wrang my damp hair with a towel, shutting my eyes and taking in a deep breathe so that I didn't murder Samuel Francis Kiszka.

-          All I'm saying is that you could have told me you would be busy beforehand – I muttered through my gritted teeth, leaving said towel in the bathroom, and walking back into my room where my boyfriend was sitting with an annoyed face, staring at me.

It was a Friday night, the night before the exhibition I had been invited to be a part of opened, and to say my emotions were all over the place would had been an understatement. And given the rough week both Sam and I had had, you could say my patience was running low.

After he had received the news about his band actually signing with a label the previous weekend, we had indeed gone to Frankenmuth to celebrate, and ended up spending the night there, as they would already be expecting us for lunch the following morning. This label would be a huge opportunity for them to grow, and they would start recording in a matter of days. The guys couldn't be more excited.

But it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.

For Sam, with all the excitement had come the stress. He was days away from his exams, at the same time he was trying to organize a schedule in which he could go to the studio for long hours, be in Frankenmuth twice a week for band practice and give classes to the Winters' kids, because he still needed the money. At the same time, he was still managing to learn and understand everything for his subjects on his own, as he had finally changed into distance education.

Unfortunately, this had led to him being moody all week, constantly irritated while he struggled to keep up with everything. And unfortunately, it hadn't helped that I had been pretty stressed up too, with the whole exhibit thing mere days away and many things to still sort out for it. I'd had to drag my paintings all around Detroit, doing tons of paperwork and having a million of meetings with Vincent and other people working there, and also had to deal with the whole emotional weight of my perfectionism and nervousness. And unlike Sam, I had still needed to attend normal classes while working at the coffee store and keeping my art lessons with the Winters'.

All of the anxiety and frustration both of us had been dealing with had inevitably clashed, leading to a couple of stupid fights here and there along that week. Most of them had been silly, about dumbest things that could annoy our hypersensitive selves. And once we had taken in a deep breath or taken some time to cool off, everything had been fine, both of us realising it had been a stupid argument steered by our tiredness and exhaustion.

But that night, I had had enough, and wasn't particularly in the mood to keep my annoyance bottled up and channel my inner zen-self.

-          Well, I'm telling you now – Sam replied unbothered, ignoring my evident irritation.

-          Yes, now that we are hours away from the exhibit and I've got nobody else to drive me to Detroit - I scoffed back while putting a pair of sweatpants and a tank-top on after I had slipped into my underwear - I can't take all the paintings on the bus with me.

-          Oh, c'mon, stop whining, just ask Brooke to drive you or something - he sighed, focusing on his cell phone as he typed away. The fact that he wasn't even getting how annoyed him cancelling up on me last minute was getting me, only angered me more. But for the sake of our night, given Brooke was coming over for dinner, I swallowed it up, keeping all my colourful words to myself.

Just on cue, there was a knock on the front door, and I made sure I was the one who went to get it. I needed to leave that room, even for just a second, so that I didn't take all my rage out on my boyfriend.

-          Wow, someone's grumpy - Brooke chuckled as soon as I let her into the apartment and she saw my pissed-off face.

-          Don't even mention it - I grunted, trying to calm myself down while we made our way back to my room.

-          So, what did you do to have her fuming, Kiszka? Or better, what didn't you do? - my best friend teased in her own way of greeting Sam, who was still on his phone, as soon as she entered the room

-          She's just overreacting- he rolled his eyes, still laying on my bed. Brooke placed her phone on my desk and turned to look at him. - Are you busy tomorrow noon? - he quickly asked.

-          No, why? - she frowned, not knowing what he was on about.

-          Great, see? - Sam mocked, facing my way before he turned back to her - Can you drive Gwen to Detroit?

-          I thought you were driving her - my friend replied with raised eyebrows, leaning back on the wooden furniture behind her and crossing her arms. I busied myself putting some clothes away, because I really didn't feel like dealing with Sam and his little to none consideration.

-          Yeah, well, but I have to be at the studio earlier than I thought, so I can't - Sam shrugged, as if leaving me stranded last minute for the most important event I had ever had wasn't bothering him - Can you take her or not?

-          Yeah, sure - Brooke replied, turning my way - Still leaving at 12PM? - I nodded, avoiding Sam's eyes - Great, now that that's settled, let's call the Chinese place because I'm starving.

After our takeout food arrived, the three of us shared dinner in the living-room. And even though the issue had been sorted out, things were still a bit weird between me and Sam due to that stupid bickering. We didn't exchange many words during the meal, only speaking to Brooke directly, as probably none of us wanted to risk another argument in the presence of our friend.

When she eventually left, promising to be ready on time to drive me the following day, Sam took out Lou for her night walk, and I made myself comfortable in our barely-used dining table, where my computer had been resting for the past weeks. I'd been staying till late finishing all of my assignments, because with everything going on, I had barely had time during the day. And that night, I still needed to fill out some of the institute's forms for each of my paintings being showed, and to finish two essays on art history I had been procrastinating on all week, that needed to be handed in on Monday.

Sam came back with our dog a while later, and bee-lined for my room, silently letting me know he was still irritated with my "overreaction" by simply ignoring me. I shrugged it off, as I didn't really plan on apologising any soon. I could had been more understanding if he had just been told that he needed to be in the studio at midday and couldn't do much about it, because it wouldn't had been his fault. But he had known for days he wouldn't be able to drive me, and had simply "forgot" to tell me about it, letting me know there was no one driving me to Detroit the night before the event. It was his lack of consideration that bothered me, only adding to my already accumulating stress.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when my phone beeped, indicating I had received a text. It was from Devon, Vincent's nephew who worked at the Detroit Institute of Arts too, and was particularly in charge of tomorrow's grand opening. He had been super nice and considerate given it was my first time doing something like this, and had helped all along the way whenever I had been a little bit lost. I hadn't met him in person yet, but he had been pretty kind via email and phone, so I was looking forward to finally thank him in person the following day for all of his help.

I texted back quickly, as he was asking about the size of one of my paintings' frames, and focused back on my essay. I really wanted to get it finished. I knew my mind would be in the Detroit Institute of Arts during the weekend, so I needed it to get them done that night before the whole exhibit thing took over my head.

I didn't really know how much time had passed, probably around half an hour, when I felt a cold hand sliding down my back, which actually melted my insides, no matter how mad I was at him.

-          Hey – Sam's voice was low and raspy, as if he didn't want to raise it and disturb my peace in the dimly lit room – Still working?

-          I've got to turn this in on Monday – I fought to keep my tone dry as I kept on typing, while my body secretly rejoiced in the feeling of his fingers splaying between my shoulder blades.

-          It's late, baby – he replied, slowly trailing his hand up and down my top, tracing my spine. I searched for the time on my screen, realising it was indeed 11:03PM – You can finish it later. C'mon, come to bed.

-          I won't have time tomorrow – I sighed, closing my eyes and slightly giving into his touch, loving the familiar tingles his hands rubbing my shoulders sent down my body as he moved to stand behind me. Even though I was still sort of pissed off, this kind of attention never failed to soften me.

-          Yes, you will. Please, come to bed with me – he carried on with a pout, trailing a set of kisses from my bare shoulder, over the strap of my tank-top, to the crook of my neck.

-          Sam, babe, I need to finish this now – I managed to say, biting down on my lip when he started to nibble on my soft skin. I brought my hand up to his hair, trying to pull him away, but my fingers against his scalp only seemed to encourage him more – I'll be there in a couple minutes, but please, I can't focus like this – I turned to give him a sympathetic look, finally being able to pull his face away from my neck, hoping he would understand I really needed to get this done.

He leaned in to kiss me, and I let him get away with it for a couple of seconds before I pushed him away, turning to face my computer again. He still wasn't giving up, as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders from behind to hug me to his chest, running his nose up and down my cheek before his lips started to play with my earlobe.

-          Just take a break then, c'mon – he insisted against my ear, moving to suck the spot below it as his hands began to wander down my front.

-          No, Sam, I don't have time for this, I really need to... - I started to argue, grabbing his hands to stop him, but was interrupted by the sound of my phone beeping again. I grabbed it, seeing Devon had texted back, making sure he had the size of the rest of my frames right. He was at the institute, having stayed over-hours to make sure everything would be perfect the following day, and was about to leave, so he wanted to check again that everything would fit in the designed area.

-          Well, you do have time for texting... – Sam's muffled voice said, still buried into the crook of my neck, with his wandering lips slowly travelling all over my skin.

-          It's about tomorrow – I simply replied, texting Devon back quickly.

-          Of course it is – Sam mumbled, finally pulling away, retreating his hands from my thighs as he stepped back.

-          What's that supposed mean? – I asked in a collected tone while I put my phone down, going back to typing my essay. I didn't want to pick up a fight with him again, but even though I wasn't seeing his face, I could feel his annoyance in my bones. Leaving it like that would only be worse.

-          Everything is about tomorrow – Sam replied, standing a few feet away from me. I didn't need to turn around to know he had crossed his arms over his chest, staring at me expectantly.

-          Well, excuse me, but this is important to me – I simply offered back, still not daring to look his way, my eyes trained on the screen – I have worked my ass off to get an opportunity like this one, and it's not every day that chances like this pop up.

-          Yes, but life still goes on, you know? – he went on, still in a measured voice – I get it, it's a big deal, but the world doesn't revolve around it.

-          Where the hell is this coming from? – I finally turned to face him. The soft irritation that had started to boil in my veins was too much of a distraction to keep on working, and he was getting on my nerves with this sudden stupid outburst – I've been focusing on the exhibit because it is a big deal, but I know I still have other responsibilities. That's why I still go to work, why still give lessons to the kids, why I still go to classes and why I've been staying up for the past nights to finish all the stuff I've got to do.

-          All you have time for now is this thing, and don't even try to deny it – he replied sternly, leaning onto the back of the couch with his arms still crossed – I get it that you work and you have classes, and that you even need to be in Detroit sometimes. But whenever you are home it's all about your assignments, texting Devon or calling Vincent. I was actually surprised that Brooke came over for dinner, because I'm sure you hadn't spoken to her all week.

-          What do you want? – I sighed as I rubbed my face, already tired of fighting with him, like every other single night that week. I didn't even bother to correct him, but I had indeed talked with Brooke on the phone. And half of the time back home, I had spent it walking our dog, cooking dinner for him and cleaning up his mess after he'd left for the studio.

-          You barely have time for anything else – he said, but still didn't soften his tone.

-          You don't have as much free time as before either, and I'm not complaining because I know it's important for you – I said back. He was throwing all of this on me, but he had been just as busy as me.

-          Yeah, but I still live a little – he replied, making my blood boil.

-          Oh, so now I'm boring? – I let out an incredulous laugh, turning to face my computer again so that he wouldn't see the hurt in my eyes.

-          Gwen, all you've done this past week is working and studying. The world won't end if you don't turn in an essay.

-          Easy for you to say because you've sucked everybody's ass, but I actually need to pass my classes with real grades - my annoyance was increasing each second. Just because he was every professor's favourite and nothing would happen if he didn't turn in his assignments a couple of times, it didn't mean it was the same for the rest of us. And he had been studying all week too, so I couldn't understand where he was going with all of this.

-          But it's not just about stupid classes – he said, his exasperation increasing - I've invited you twice this week to go out for drinks with me and Danny and you turned me down both times. You didn't join us when Brooke came over to watch Matt's game on Wednesday, you-

-          Because I'm busy, not because I don't want to! – my voice finally raised, interrupting his speech – One week, Sam. One week I have something else to do, one week I can't go out whenever you want to or can't take a break because I need to deal with stuff, and you come up with all of this! I'm glad you can manage to do whatever the fuck you want to and live a little while you are still busy, but guess what, I can't!

-          Even though I still have stuff to do, I have priorities! – his voice raised to match mine - Sorry to break it to you, but life isn't all about working and studying. I always work hard for the things I care about, but even if I'm busy, I'll always make time for the guys or for you.

-          Are you kidding me? Do you really want to go there? – I scoffed, really dreading this conversation – Sam, you've gone on tour for two weeks, and you are planning a month-long one for the summer. And I'm not complaining, I know how important it is to you. But don't you dare tell me this when I'm not even leaving you here for several days; you see me literally every day.

-          But it's not the same! – he almost yelled, running his hands through his hair – One thing is being physically away, and another one is being emotionally away. We haven't had a proper conversation in all these days, we haven't had a nice moment to ourselves! Gwen, we haven't even fucked in like two weeks!

-          Because we've been fighting all week! – I exasperated, interrupting him and matching the volume of his voice as I stood up from my chair – All we've done these days is fight each other. And you put all the blame on me, but ever since you found out you were going on your first tour you have been buried in books too, so that you could keep up with everything. You are just as busy as I am, so don't make this all about me!

-          But I've never made you feel like I didn't have time for you! – he yelled this time, and the silence that followed made his voice echo in the apartment.

My eyes widened and my blood froze as his words sunk in. Still not moving, a mixture of different emotions flooded my brain, mostly sadness, worry and pain. Did he really feel that way?

But taking in the rest of our conversation, and how he had put all the blame on me when he was way less present than me in our day-to-day lives, anger and frustration started to take over my feelings too.

-          So now I'm not only boring but inconsiderate – I said after some silent seconds, trying to keep my voice collected as I stared into his eyes - Anything else you want to add to the list tonight?

-          Gwen... - he sighed, running a hand down his face.

-          No, it's alright, I think I should know if that's what you think about me – I went on, crossing my arms over my chest. The room felt ten times colder than it had been before, even though it was a warm spring night – Specially after just one week of being busier. Unless you've been feeling this way for some time...

-          I- I haven't... - he started, but frustration and dread towards the ugly conversation we were about to have started to show on his face. Sighing, he ran a hand down his face, and I could see in his eyes that he would try to avoid it – I really don't feel like discussing this right now. Can we just drop it for tonight?

-          What makes you think I'll just "drop it" when you've just said that I make you feel like I don't have time for you? – I let out an incredulous chuckle, trying to hide how hurt I was while he took a few steps closer to me.

-          We are both tired and we'll say things we don't really mean if we keep on fighting – he insisted, pulling me to his body with his hands on my waist and dropping a kiss to my exposed neck – C'mon, let's go to bed, baby – he whispered against my skin before he started to kiss and suck on the spot below my ear. His hands dropped to my hips, making their way under my tank-top to explore my body beneath it.

-          No, Sam, stop – I said, trying to push him away from me. The fact that he was trying to brush the whole thing off and was thinking about sex instead, as he was pretty much groping my breasts, only angered me more.

I finally managed to shove him away, and by the look on his face, he was furious.

-          See? You distance yourself from me every single time! – he said, rage dripping from his eyes as he took a step back.

-          I can't fucking believe you – I chuckled; irritation evident in my voice – I can't believe that you are thinking of fucking in the middle of this. I don't want to fuck or sleep on it, I want to talk it out because there's clearly something that's not working for us here. But of course, you'd rather have sex.

-          Of course, now I'm the bad guy here – he scoffed, shaking his head – I don't even know why I'm still trying to be nice and soothe things over, you clearly just want to fight tonight - he added, already taking a few steps back towards to leave for his room.

-          Are you really going to walk out of this conversation? – I said in disbelief, following him into the hallway – You know what? You say that you feel like I don't have enough time for you – I started, feeling my blood boiling in my veins. He stopped right next to his door and turned to look at me, a few feet separating our bodies – But I actually think we spend too much time with each other, we are too used to it, and it's sickening. The fact that you are acting up because I can't be at your beck and call just for one week is the proof of it. You are jeopardising our relationship because of seven days I've been busier.  We need to have our own space, Sam, this is not healthy at all.

Some seconds of silence went by between us as my words sunk in, and I could see the sadness in his honey eyes. We kept our gazed fixed on each other, as my breathing slowed down after my speech, but my heart beat went faster, in anticipation of what he would say.

From the instant our eyes had met I knew that I had hurt him with what I had said. That even though we had let frustration and tiredness get the best of us that night, he truly felt like he wasn't a priority of mine. And my words had only fuelled that feeling.

-          And you say I'm the one jeopardising this relationship... – he chuckled after some seconds, breaking our stare to look down in amusement – Alright, Gwen. You want space, I'll give you fucking space.

With that, he stormed past me back to the living room, not even sparing me another glance.

-          Sam... - I sighed as I turned to follow him, only to find him putting a sweater on and grabbing his keys to the apartment. I hurried over to him, worry and fear taking over my trembling hands that reached for his arm – Baby, plea-

-          Goodbye, Gwen – he shook my hand off his arm, turning around and opening the door, only to close it shut with an echoing boom behind him.

I remained standing in our now dull living room, as it felt like all the life had been sucked off my surroundings. I looked at the clock on our wall, which showed it was almost midnight. Sighing, I rubbed my face, trying to swallow the tired tears that wanted to fall from my eyes, and trying to make any sense out of the situation.

I had no doubt Sam had gone to Danny's, and not to a random bar or some other sketchy place. But still, I felt uneasy. Ever since we had got officially together, we had never had a huge fight, let alone him walking out on me at 12AM. But most importantly, I had never realised or thought he could feel that way.

As I shut my laptop off, giving up on getting any work done as my mind was elsewhere. I walked back into my room, with Lou trailing behind me, while I tried to recall what could had led to all of the mess that week had been. He wasn't wrong, I had been pretty busy. Trying to deal with everything going on in my life had indeed left me pretty exhausted whenever I had got back home, and having to catch up with my studies after a long day of work and classes had been draining me. So, it was true that we hadn't spent real time together in a while.

But at the same time, he was failing to notice that even though we hadn't been all over each other, or we hadn't had a moment just to ourselves, I had been there for him. Waiting up whenever he had come late from the studio with a nice meal, when I was actually dying to curl up in bed and sleep. Walking our dog in the morning so that his sleepy self wouldn't have to wake up earlier and he could rest. Making sure to clean after him so that he had fresh clothes whenever he forgot to wash them, and so that the apartment looked good and cosy for us to live in. Maybe we hadn't been staying up all night talking or getting lost in the other's body, maybe we hadn't been texting all day and our honeymoon phase was over, but it didn't mean I didn't care for him.

Yeah, maybe I had been busier and didn't have much time for him for a week. But it had been a week. And I had been there for him all the same, even though he just couldn't realise it.

Moreover, he had been busy too. He was putting all the blame on me, when both of us had been having too much on our plates. And earlier, he had acted as if the most important day in my life so far, the day of the art exhibit, was meaningless. Like he didn't care about it, like it wasn't a big deal. And that had hurt as well.

I turned the light on my nightstand on and laid down on my bed, Lou jumping right beside me, as my mind kept on going over different scenarios. About how this fight could had turned out if he had just listened instead of walking out, or if I had given in and let him drop the whole thing for the night, falling asleep in the warmth of his arms, and talking things out the following morning.

I needed to get some sleep, as the next day was my big day, but my brain wouldn't stop working. Part of it was panicking, not knowing what Sam had understood when I had said we needed "space", fearing he had taken it too seriously. And the other part was alert, hoping to hear the sound of the front door opening, indicating he had come back home. I actually considered texting Danny to see if everything was good, and if he knew if Sam actually planned to come back for the night, but I decided against it, knowing his faithfulness rested on his best friend rather than me.

What felt like hours later, the sound of keys jingling against the lock and the door opening made me jump, startling me out of my thoughts and making Lou lift her head up in confusion. I could hear his steps as we walked into the hallway, and my eager eyes focused on my opened door, waiting to see him. See his face. See if he was still hating me after taking some time to cool off.

I scooted over, making more space as in my prior position we wouldn't fit on my bed. Lou also stood up, knowing that if Sam was coming, it was her time to go. But when his body finally appeared on my doorway, he didn't even turn to look at me. He walked straight into his room, not sparing me a glance, and making me frown in confusion.

Our pretty little puppy immediately jumped off my bed, hurrying to his room directly across from mine, and as soon as she had walked in, Sam slammed his door. The sound resonated in my ears as I stared at the closed piece of wood, dumbfounded with what had happened.

It was the first time we would be sleeping apart in months, and even though it was silly to feel that way, I couldn't help but start to worry. While I had been reluctant to brush things off, I understood there was no way he would discuss them that night. So I had expected us to just go to bed, but never actually thought we would go separately.

Deciding that knocking on his door would only anger him more, I extended my arm to turn the light on my nightstand off. I was left surrounded by darkness, both in my room and within me, as his arms weren't wrapping around me and the thump of his heart wasn't lulling me to sleep. But most importantly, because I knew that whenever Sam felt hurt, he closed off.

And the last thing I needed, was being pushed away from him.