Thirteen

OKAY 5.4K, I think this is the longest chapter I've ever written. As you may all know, coronavirus is pretty much taking all over the world. It's pretty bad here in Spain😔 I hope you all stay safe!💚

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I woke up the following day, pretty much aware of where I was and what had happened. None of us had been drunk, so there was nothing I could blame it on, as I always tried to do. I opened my eyes slowly, not really wanting to deal with the day ahead of me, but specially not wanting to deal with the situation I had put myself into.

I lifted my head from Chase's bare chest, sitting up, and stared at his peaceful sleeping form right next to me. The boy had a body, I would give him that. And he knew how to use it, I reminded myself , as my eyes wandered down his torso, his lower half barely covered by his thin white sheets. But in spite of it all, it still felt somewhat wrong. I felt guilty. Dirty. Like I shouldn't have done it. And even though there was no reason for me to feel that way, I still did, the image of Sam planted on my brain, popping in front of my eyes every time I blinked. I felt like crying out of frustration, why couldn't I just get over him? I had tried everything; avoiding him, changing my routine so that I wouldn't bump into him, I tried to act friendly, and even sleeping with someone else in order to get him out of my head. But nothing seemed to work.

- You are overthinking – a raspy voice woke me from my trance. I looked down at Chase, whose sleepy face was smiling up at me. He ran a hand through his messy bed hair and flexed his other arm so that he rested his head on it.

- I know – I sighed, looking away. I brought my sheet-covered knees up to my chest, hiding my naked front, and rested my head on them. The curtains were opened, so the room was filled with the light provided by the cloudy sky outside his window.

- If you worry too much, you'll get wrinkles – he joked, slowly brushing my hair to the side and moving his fingers over my bare back as he started to trace patterns on it.

- Shut up – I chuckled, biting down on my lip in a miserable attempt to hold back my smile. At the beginning, I was too distracted by the drawings his fingertips were creating on my skin. I closed my eyes, trying to relish on the feeling, but soon enough a, certain long-haired boy's face filled my thoughts. Had he realised that I hadn't gone back home? I shook the thought away and opened my eyes, focusing on the slowly moving clouds I could see outside.

- Are you okay? – Chase asked carefully after some minutes, the pads of his fingers still working wonders on my back. I instantly frowned, turning around to look at him.

- Yes, why wouldn't I be? – I replied curiously.

- I don't know, your mind seems to be somewhere else – he shrugged, drawing a flower with his index finger over the dimples on my back.

- I'm alright – I lied, smiling at him. I wouldn't let him know that the first thought that crossed my mind when I had woken up next to him was about another guy. Another guy that wanted nothing to do with me.

- You know, I had fun last night. It was nice – he started, making me shut my eyes forcefully. I dreaded the conversation that would come next; I didn't know what to tell him. I breathed in and out deeply, and he immediately stopped tracing patterns on my back, sensing something was going on.

- Chase, I really enjoyed last night too, but... - I trailed off, not knowing how to continue. Luckily, he interrupted me.

- You do know that you don't have to say anything, right? I just wanted to let you know I really liked it – he said, dropping his hand from my back. I shifted on my spot so that I could face him better, my covered knees still blocking his view of my naked chest – So stop stressing over it.

I sighed, glad that he wasn't expecting me to say something else. He didn't push me, as if he understood that I still needed to sort things out in my head. Chase was a good guy. Maybe I didn't know him so well. Maybe he wasn't my kind of guy. Maybe he wasn't Sam. But he understood.

One of my arms fell from around my knees, stretching so that my fingers could start absentmindedly drawing figures over Chase's hard abdomen. I could feel his muscles tensing under my touch, and I smiled to myself, enjoying the fact that I had such power over someone else's body. My hand slid up to his chiselled chest, taking its time to wander over the soft skin until it reached his neck, resting against his strong pulse there. I didn't know what I was doing, but when he grabbed my hand and pulled me down towards his lying body, I tried to let go of my thoughts and just follow his lead.

With our bare torsos pressed together and my chin resting over my hands on his chest, we silently stared at each other. He looked at me as if he were searching for something in my eyes, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I looked at him hoping that those blue orbs could turn into the brown ones I had learned to love so much, that I wished still looked at me with longing. "You can't still be thinking about Sam", I reprimanded myself. Not while lying in bed with someone else. Not after seeing him with that girl clinging into his body the previous night. Somehow, I needed to take him out of my head.

I lifted my torso from Chase's chest, so that I hovered over him, and he cupped my cheek instantly. I leaned closer to his face, our noses brushing and our breathes mixing. For a moment, I hesitated a little, but eventually gave in and softly kissed his lips.

Yet, I felt nothing. Nothing compared to the rush I could feel all over my body even when Sam simply brushed his lips against mine. It didn't unleash the butterflies I could feel everywhere whenever Sam looked at me. It didn't make me ache for his touch so badly it hurt like Sam's kisses did. Sure, Chase was a great kisser. Over the course of the night he had praised my body, with the perfect mix of tenderness and lust, making sure he satisfied me in every possible way. And sure, the sex had been awesome. But it stood no chance against what Sam could make me feel with just a simple look or an innocent touch.

However, I still kept on kissing Chase. Trying to prove that I could move on from Sam. Trying to convince myself that I could be with someone else. Trying to forget. He tightened his grip around my frame, kissing me passionately, and I kissed him back with the same force. And it was wrong. I couldn't be doing this to him. He was too sweet and gentle for me to use him to erase someone else from my head. But I didn't stop him.

He rolled us over, pressing his warm, strong body against mine. His lips eventually moved from my mouth to my jaw, slowly making their way to the soft skin of my neck as he sucked and bit there. I closed my eyes, trying to lose myself into the feeling, but inevitably thought of Sam's hot tongue against my flesh. Suddenly, a loud thump was heard from outside the room. Chase ignored it and kept on nibbling on my skin, but realisation suddenly hit me. I pushed him off my body, a look of panic plastered all over my features.

- Chase – I whispered, but he started kissing my hand that had grabbed a hold of his face to stop him, slowly moving his kisses to my wrist – Chase, stop – he must had heard the fright in my voice, because his head shot up immediately with worry.

- Hey, is everything okay? – he asked, confused at my sudden outburst – I'm sorry, I got carried away and...

- Chase – I repeated again, interrupting him. Fear was evident in my words as my eyes scanned his face, trying to process what was going on – Danny is here.

- So? – he cautiously asked after some seconds, frowning. He scratched his head as he struggled to understand – I mean, yes, he is my roommate. If you are concerned about him hearing us, trust me, these walls are pretty thick, you've got nothing to worry about – he added, stroking my cheek soothingly in an attempt to calm me down. He tried to lean in again but I quickly cut him off.

- No, you don't get it – I replied, sitting up and finally pushing his body completely off mine in the process. I ran my hands through my hair, trying to figure out what to do – He can't know I was here – I said in an alarmed tone, my eyes shooting everywhere as they tried to find where my clothes had ended at. I quickly got up and started pacing rather frenetically around the room, picking up my underwear and putting it on.

- Okay, stop, you are scaring me – Chase said, grabbing my arm as I made my way to pick my top from the floor – Gwen, stop, look at me – he repeated, getting up from the bed and standing right in front of me. With his hand still holding my arm, I reluctantly looked up at him – Breathe.

It took me a couple minutes to finally even out my breathing, which I hadn't realised had notably increased. Danny couldn't know I had slept with Chase. He would tell Sam. And even though I didn't owe him anything, I couldn't let him know. I still felt guilty about it, like I had betrayed him, and the guilt would only increase if Sam found out about it. Not only that I had slept with someone else, but with someone he knew, someone he had known all his life, someone whom I thought he may consider his friend.

Once I had calmed down, Chase let go of my arm and picked up his black boxer briefs from the floor, putting them on. He sat down back on the edge of the bed, and patted the spot right next to him, motioning me to do the same.

- What's wrong? – he asked after I sat next to him and some seconds had passed. He sounded worried, not because of what I could answer him, but because he was actually fearing I would panic again.

- I- Chase, I... - I started, but didn't know what to say to him – Danny can't know what happened. Please – I pleaded, finally looking up at him and meeting his gaze.

- Have you slept with him? – Chase asked, frowning with curiosity. I shook my head no, looking down at my fingers nervously playing with each other on my lap. I couldn't tell him. Not yet. Voicing it out would make it real. And I didn't want to admit I was still in love with Sam. And I couldn't do this to Chase, telling him it was someone else I had been thinking about in the previous few hours we had spent together. He was too good for that – Then what is it, Gwen? You are worrying me here – he said, looking at me intently. He placed one of his big hands on my bare thigh and started drawing circles with his thumb; not in a sexual way, but trying to soothe me. I shook my head again, with my eyes still fixed on my lap, feeling like I could burst into tears any minute. Chase sighed, realising that I was about to shatter into pieces – Look, I wasn't going to go voicing I have slept with you everywhere. I don't kiss and tell, and I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to.

- T-thank you... - I managed to mumble. I didn't know what was wrong with my body; words got caught in my throat, my eyes burned and my chest felt tightened.

- I'll make sure he is locked in his room or somewhere else so you can leave without him seeing you, is that alright? – he asked me, and I nodded, still unable to say something else – Hey – he squeezed my thigh, making me look up – I know it's not my place to ask what's going on, and I won't push on it, but just know that if you want to, you can tell me, okay? I know we are not friends and we are not close. But last night, not the sex, which still was awesome, but the time we spent at the rooftop, it felt pretty relieving talking with you. We were both having a tough night and I was happy we could open up at least a little bit with the other. So, I don't know, if you ever feel like talking with someone else, someone who isn't Brooke, Sam or Danny, just know that I'm here.

I felt like crying, because he was too good for someone as fucked up as me.

- Thank you, Chase – I finally achieved to croak out, grabbing his hand that was around my thigh and squeezing it – For real.

He simply nodded, giving me a small smile before standing up and heading to his closet to get dressed. I picked up the rest of my clothes and put them on, brushing my hair with my fingers in an attempt to smooth down my probably frenzied appearance. Chase told me to wait for a minute and walked out of his room, closing the door behind him. I heard voices and shuffling on the other side, but they eventually died down. He opened his door again, telling me the coast was clear, and I followed him out.

The goodbye wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. He pecked my lips, which sort of stunned me. But to my relief he didn't say anything else, softly smiling, with concern still hidden on his face, before unlocking the door for me.

The moment I stepped out of the building, the cold air hit my face, helping me clear my mind. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a brief moment, steadying myself before finally leaving. Danny and Chase's apartment wasn't far from ours, so I started to walk. As much as I dreaded the idea of going back and facing Sam, I couldn't stay the rest of the day in my party clothes from the previous night. Taking my phone out of my purse and checking the screen, I found 20 missed calls from him and a couple from Brooke, so I also couldn't keep him worrying. Instead of shooting him a text telling him I was alright, I quickened my pace, getting to the apartment in less than ten minutes.

On my short walk, I didn't even consider what I would tell him. Which reason I would give to him for not sleeping at the apartment. "You don't need to explain him anything, you owe him nothing", my mind reminded me. But, our awkward relationship aside, none of us had ever spent the night somewhere else, leave alone without telling the other. He was probably worried, and the guilt I already felt increased even more. Even if we weren't together, or if we weren't even friends, there was no use in denying we still cared for each other. Those 20 missed calls ignited something inside of me, bringing to life the smallest amount of hope about his feelings still being there. But again, I forced myself to remember that he was probably worried about my well-being, not me.

Walking up the last steps to our floor, I prepared myself for what would come next. I inhaled deeply before turning my keys and finally opened the door. I released the breath I was holding when I realised Sam wasn't in the living room, trying to quietly close the door behind me. But as soon as I turned around, he was there, clearly having heard me coming in.

There was a mixture of emotions showing on his face. First, there was worry. He had probably spent quite some time wondering where I had been and why I hadn't been picking up my phone, leaving without no notice. Then, there was a bit of anger. Obviously, he was a little mad because I hadn't returned any of his calls nor had I left a message telling him I was fine. And lastly, there was a trace of confusion, but it quickly faded away once he eyed me up and down and realised I was still on my party outfit, being replaced by hurt. He knew I hadn't spent the night at Brooke's; all her missed calls indicated that Sam had told her I had never come back. We both knew that I didn't have too many friends I could have sleepover's with. And by the look on his face, he knew I had slept with someone else.

We stayed silent, me standing by the door and him in the middle of the living room, for what felt like hours. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't tear my gaze away from his. I couldn't understand him. He wanted us to end things. He said we needed to move on. And I know seeing him with another girl hurt me, but I would never let it show, not in front of him. He had asked for this, but his saddened expression said otherwise.

- I was worried – was the first thing he said after some minutes went by. He still kept his beautiful eyes locked with mine, aware of every single breathe I took.

- I know – I gulped, fighting with all I had not to look down at my feet – I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls.

- You could have left a message, a text, a voicemail, even a fucking email for all I cared, Gwen – he went on, surprisingly calm – You could have let me or Brooke know. We were worried sick.

- I know – I mumbled again, my voice breaking a little. I tried my best to compose myself, I couldn't break down – I didn't mean to worry any of you, I'm really sorry.

- Where were you? – he finally sighed. For the first time since I had stepped into the apartment I looked away, not being able to meet his face anymore. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I couldn't look at him – Gwen, where were you? – his voice started to slightly rise. I kept on staring outside the window, not knowing how the escape this conversation – For fuck's sake, Gwen, can't you give a damn answer? – he finally lost it.

Anger started to build inside of me. He didn't have the right to scream at me, not because of this. And as much as I had convinced myself otherwise, I had really done nothing wrong. Yes, I could have let him not I wasn't coming back to the apartment. But he couldn't get mad at me for hooking up with someone else, specially not when he was the one who decided to end things.

- What the fuck Sam, why do you care? – I shouted back at him. He didn't answer. He just stared at me, fury pouring from his eyes.

- Where were you? – he repeated sternly, without shouting this time.

- Sam, drop it – I sighed, really not wanting to discuss it with him.

- Just fucking answer, Guinevere, where were you? Slutting around? – he raised his voice again. My eyes widened, the first tear sliding down my cheek. Hearing him calling me a slut felt like a stab on my chest.

- How dare you? – I whispered, my lower lip quivering as I looked at him. I couldn't believe he actually said that. His eyes seemed to soften for a second, but his face went stone cold immediately.

- Gwen, just... I need you to tell me where you were – he said again, his voice as dry as ever.

- Stop this bullshit, Sam, you already know what happened last night. What do you want me to tell you, that I stayed over some other guy's place? There, you got it, are you happy now? – I replied, burning him with my gaze. I wouldn't let him know it was Chase. At this point, it was all the same.

His face transformed from one of pure anger to a pained one, as if my words were slowly sinking into his skin like needles. Guess that hearing it from me made it real for him.

But even though I knew he was wrong, and that I shouldn't pity him, seeing that saddened look on his face wounded me. And knowing that I was the one causing it, destroyed me. I knew he didn't mean what he had said when he called me a slut. I knew this wasn't him speaking. I knew him better. And I needed to fix this. So I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to find the right words to stop the situation from getting even more wrecked than it already was.

- Look, I'm sorry I forgot to text you so that you didn't worry, but you have no right to get mad at me over where and whom I spent or not the night with, alright? – I started, slowly calming myself down – I'm okay and I'm here, and I'm sorry for worrying Brooke and you, I truly am, but you can't just shout at me, jumping into conclusions, when I did nothing wrong. You don't get to call me names, you don't get to question me, and you don't get to act like this, because you decided that whatever it was that we had, is over. I'm glad to know you still care for me and that you worry, because I still care about you too, but there's nothing more to us now, Sam – I lied. This is what he wanted. As much as it pained me, this is what he had hoped for when he said we needed space; he wanted to move on. And if he couldn't do it by himself, I would help him, no matter how much it hurt me – You were right, we needed to stay away from the other for a bit. And I'm not gonna lie, it was hard and I still miss you. But we need to move on. And getting pissed over what the other does will lead us nowhere – I finished. Part of me wanted to take back everything that I had just said and jump into his arms, hugging and kissing him to oblivion. But the other part of me knew that this was the right thing to do. If he needed to get over me, I would let him.

Sam looked up to the ceiling and ran his hands through his hair, shutting his eyes momentarily as he regained his composure. He eventually dropped his arms, letting his head fall down to his chest.

- I'm sorry, Gwen – he said after some minutes, looking up at me – I'm sorry. I- I don't know what I was thinking. I just... ugh – he groaned, running a hand down his face – I don't know. I thought it wouldn't be this hard – he finally admitted, looking down again.

- It's okay, I mean, it's not, but I know where you are coming from – I sighed, daring to take a couple steps closer to him, but still keeping my distance – It's been hard for me too, but I'm trying, you know? – I said in a soft voice, opening up with him.

- I'm so sorry, Gwen. This is a mess, I'm a mess, it's just... – he closed his eyes again, taking a deep breath – I shouldn't have pushed you. I shouldn't have shouted at you; I shouldn't have got mad. Hell, I called you a slut, Gwen – his voice quivered. He looked away from me, feeling ashamed of himself. After some seconds of beating himself up for it in his head, he looked back at me - I know you are trying your best, trust me, and I'm sorry I ruined what we had managed to build. I'm sorry – his voice broke a little.

- Sam... - I sighed. He walked the few steps that were separating us, stopping right in front of me.

- I'm sorry, Gwenny – he said in almost a whisper.

After those words, I couldn't contain myself anymore. I wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing him closer to my body in a tight embrace. His didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around me instantly, one of them circling my waist tightly. He brought his other arm up to cradle the back of my head with his other hand, letting my face rest against the crook of his neck. And then I started to cry. Silent tears started to fall from my eyes, and I guessed Sam could feel it as he started rubbing soothing circles on my back, slowly rocking our bodies, mumbling "I'm sorry" over and over again in my ear.

Once my eyes felt completely dry and I could feel my breathing had gone back to normal, I pulled my face away from his neck. We looked at each other, shivers going down every fibre of my body when our eyes met. He cupped my cheeks with both of his hands, tenderly wiping the remaining tears away. My arms wrapped around his waist, making sure that we were still pressed against the other. The pad of his thumbs started moving more slowly against my cheeks until they stilled, the whole room freezing around us. Sam let his forehead fall against mine, and I inhaled sharply, not trusting myself on what would happen next. Closing my eyes, I waited, not really knowing where we were going with this all.

- I missed you too – he said in a low voice, as if he wanted just me to hear, even though we were alone in the room.

I didn't open my eyes, I just bit my lip and nodded, sliding my forehead away from his and diving my face again into the crook of his neck, hugging him. As I took in his unique scent, with a soapy hint which just smelt that good on him, he let his hands fall from my face, engulfing my body with his arms. I could have stayed like that forever, with just me and him, nothing else, while we got lost in the other's touch.

- I should let Brooke know I'm okay – I finally said after some minutes, rubbing my eyes softly as I took a step back, leaving his embrace. My body felt cold instantly.

- Um, yeah – Sam said in a hoarse voice – I'll- I'll be just here, okay? – he said awkwardly, pointing to the couch.

I nodded at him before leaving for my room. After I closed the door behind me, I leaned onto it, closing my eyes for the hundredth time that morning. Sighing, I reached for my phone in my purse, making my way slowly towards my bed. I dialled Brooke's number as I sat on the edge, kicking my boots off and bringing my knees up to my chest, a position I realised I had been reaching for whenever I had felt anxious.

- GUINEVERE MARIE JONES, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? – Brooke basically screamed at me once she picked up the phone.

- I know, I'm so, so sorry, Brooke, I never meant to worry you. I'm home now, and I'm okay. I'm sorry – I quickly said.

- We thought something bad could have happened to you, why didn't you pick up your phone? Sam would have literally gone to the police if I hadn't stopped him – Wow, what?

- I'm sorry Brooke, really, I just lost track of time and I didn't check my phone all night, I never realised you guys could be worrying – I explained, really feeling bad about the situation.

- I'm glad you are okay, Gwen, but I swear, I was so damn worried. Where the hell were you? – she asked.

- I slept with Chase – I didn't hesitate to say. I needed to vent it out, and I couldn't keep it from Brooke.

- Chase as in Danny's friend? GWEN, OH MY GOD – she screamed again, almost deafening – How the hell did that happen?

I proceeded to tell her everything that had happened on the previous night, not omitting any details regarding the events that had taken place in the morning and back here in the apartment. Half an hour later, once I had finished after Brooke interrupted me and asked a thousand questions, she was on the verge of hyperventilating.

- Okay, what are you going to do? – she asked after I forced her to calm down.

- What do you mean?

- What are you going to do with your lover boys, silly – she chuckled.

- I think that today we made it pretty clear with Sam that we need to completely move on. We both know that there are still feelings there, but that we have to get over them. I guess I'll just figure it out on the way – I sighed, lying completely down on the bed.

- And what about Chase? – I couldn't see her, but I was sure she had wiggled her eyebrows while saying that - We both know that he is not just a one-night-stand material.

- I don't know. He was really nice... - I trailed off, biting down on my lip to prevent a tiny smile.

- And the sex was outstanding – Brooke added, making me roll my eyes as I chuckled.

- Yeah... But I know I'm still not over Sam. And even if it's just a fling and nothing serious, I still get mixed feelings about even considering hooking up with him again, and it's unfair for the guy as well. I don't even know if he wants to, anyways.

- For Christ's sake's, Gwen, of course he does. It's not unfair, you are not even dating the guy. And from what you told me; it doesn't look like he will pressure you into anything. So I think he's the perfect guy for you to try to start something with, even if it's completely casual and without any strings attached.

- I don't know... - I trailed off. I had to admit she had a point; Chase hadn't acted clingy or whatsoever but he had still seemed interested. And he was a great guy; after the way he had acted with my almost panic attack back in his room, I felt comfortable enough to try this out with him. But there was still a little problem – He's friends with Danny, Brooke, and that sort of makes him friends with Sam.

- Nothing Sam can't get over with. They are not the closest buds out there and you know it – I sighed, because she was right – Just think about it, okay? It doesn't hurt to try things out with someone else, and I think it will make you better.

- Okay – I agreed before yawning – I gotta go and take a shower, talk with you later, yeah?

After she said goodbye I hung up and headed straight to the bathroom, taking a long and relaxing shower. The water drenched me, as well as my thoughts, which had been all over the place ever since the previous night. I took my time, and wrapped my body in a towel once I had finished, going quickly back to my room.

I changed into my pyjama even though it was noon, planning on getting all the sleep I hadn't got the previous night. But before lying down, I eyed my phone hesitantly. An eternal debate took place in my head, and after what felt like centuries, I finally decided to grab it, quickly typing before I could regret it. And I hit sent without even thinking or blinking, hoping I wasn't making the biggest mistake of my life.

"Hey, I didn't get to tell you, but I really enjoyed last night too. I'm sorry for this morning, I never meant to panic that way. Thank you for everything though, you are awesome. How can I make it up to you? Xoxo, Gwen😉"