Seven

That following week and a half, things were less awkward than I had imagined. Sam had never brought up the issue, and of course, I kept my mouth shut, both of us acting as if nothing had never happened. We went back to our childish selves, joking around and getting along just like we had been doing before things started to get out of hand. Even though Brooke had pushed me to talk about it at the beginning, both her and Danny seemed relieved that we had gone back to our regular just-friends selves, saving them from more awkward moments. It would have been uncomfortable for all of us if things ended up being weird between Sam and I, but as we had dismissed what had happened completely, the group was back to normal.

However, a little voice in my head kept on insisting, reminding me that neither Sam or I regretted what had happened between us. But I tried to brush it off, knowing this was the best for us all. I tired to convince myself that we had got carried away by the music, the joint and the sexual tension, product of having slept together but not remembering a thing about it. That it had just been a moment of weakness, driven by the curiosity we had both been nursing after Danny's party, and that we simply hadn't been able to contain ourselves. And that now that we had kissed again, we would get over that damn night at the party.

But deep down, I knew none of this was true.

Nonetheless, things had carried on normally. Sam and I were a little less touchy than we normally would, in order not to trigger anything, and thus we managed to go through that week and a half smoothly. Until the that Thursday, when everything went downhill again.

As every week, I had my shift at the coffee store in the morning and classes in the afternoon. Thursdays were the only days in which I shared my shift at the store with Brooke, but the previous week she had skipped hers, so I decided to use that boring day at the shop to catch up and clarify things with her, after avoiding the so awaited talk about my steamy moment with Sam.

-          So, you started kissing his neck and then he kissed you? – she asked for the millionth time while wiping the counter, going over the story all over again. There weren't many customers as it was already past midday, and our shift was about to end with us not having much else to do.

-          Yes – I sighed, tired of having spoken about the issue all morning and hoping she would just let it go.

-          And you say nothing else happened besides this after Danny's party? You have never slept together ever since? – she went on, insisting on that questions again.

-          Mhm mhm – I shook my head, focusing on the mug I was wiping with a dish cloth – Nothing else happened besides this kiss, and it happened because we were too carried away and stoned to control it – I lied, knowing we were both pretty conscious of what had been going on.

-          Oh, stop that "high" bullshit, you were both fine when we left for Chase's gig – she scoffed, not believing a single one of my words – Do you think you would have gone further if Danny hadn't shown up?

-          Probably – I admitted with a sigh after some seconds, placing the clean mug on its respective shelf – You don't need to give me that look, I already know – I added without turning to face her, already feeling her eyes on me. We stayed in silence for a couple more minutes while we finished cleaning up, both of us letting all we had talked about that day sink in.

-          Gwen, can I ask you something? And be honest with me – she asked after some time, using a soft voice which meant serious business.

-          Go ahead – I said, still giving her my back as I arranged the take-away cups.

-          Why did you take him up as your roommate? – she dryly asked. I slowly turned in my spot, suddenly feeling angry.

-          Why did take him up as his roommate? – I repeated in disbelief after I had made sure I had heard her right – What are you implying, Brooke, that I agreed to share the apartment with him so that I could fuck him? - I asked, not believing we were having this conversation - Let me remind you that I was left to live alone because you were moving out, and I desperately tried to find someone somewhat decent to split the rent with. Because, guess what? Not everybody's parents are supportive and pay for their kids' apartment, specially when they don't give a shit about them – I went on, my face red and Brooke's eyes widened.

-          Gwen... - she started, but I interrupted her, too carried away by my pent-up frustration to listen to more of her words.

-           Sam was the only person who seemed acceptable to share the apartment with, and yes, he ended up being more than acceptable. But before your twisted mind starts wondering, no, not only because he is indeed attractive, but because he is actually really easy to live with. Do you think I'm enjoying all of this situation? No, I'm confused as fuck. Right now, I wish I wasn't sharing the apartment with him so I could kiss him without feeling guilty, because yes, surprise, I like him – I spat, and took a deep breathe before continuing, needing to let it all out - And I also know it wouldn't be wise to let this grow into something messier. But unluckily, I don't have someone else to pick as a roommate, and he doesn't have elsewhere to live, so I can't kick him out. And worst of it all, I actually enjoy living with him and wouldn't want to lose him as both a roommate and a friend. I swear I don't know what to do, so the last thing I need is you questioning me about this all. Is this what you wanted as an answer? – I inhaled and exhaled deeply, gaining my breath back. But as soon as I had finished snapping at her, I regretted it, my features softening instantly – Oh my god, Brooke, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you – I said in a weak voice. She was only trying to help me and I had thrown all that shit on her.

-          I'm so sorry Gwen, I shouldn't have asked it that way – she said in a soft voice, coming over to me and embracing me in a tight hug.

-          It's okay – I managed to say, holding my tears and hugging her back – I'm sorry, I love you.

-          I love you too, girl – she said before we pulled back, looking at me with regret in her eyes – And now that you put it that way, I'm sorry for judging you and Sam. I didn't know you cared for him this much – she added, making me realise that I had indeed said I liked him out loud, something I hadn't even admitted to myself before – I do think you two need to talk, though, but trust me, everything will be okay.

-          We are okay now and we haven't brought the issue up – I joked, trying to ease the mood as I pulled away – But yeah, I know we'll have to talk about it sometime to make things clear... Chickening out seems much easier though, we could act as if it never happened forever... – I chuckled, both of us untying our black aprons, ready to leave the store.

-          Guinevere... – she said with a stern but still playful tone - You can try talking with him tonight. He has band practice, right? – she asked, making me nod in response – Well, he is always in a good mood after that. Maybe you can try getting him to talk then.

-          Okay, okay, I'll see what I can do – I replied, rolling my eyes – And Brooke?

-          Yeah?

-          Thank you – I said to her, squeezing her hand before letting go. She smiled in returned, and joined my side as we walked together towards the bus stop, ready to head back to campus.

Some classes and a couple hours later, it was 10PM. I was comfortably lying on my bed, already in my pyjamas, with my computer on my lap as I finished some essay about post impressionism that was due to the following Monday. I had already eaten some leftovers from the previous day, as Sam had texted me he would stay at his parents' for dinner after their rehearsal. He rarely stayed there, just when something important was going on, so while I inevitably raised my eyebrows after reading his text, I didn't pry further.

Just as I grabbed another strawberry from the bowl on my nightstand and put it in my mouth, I heard keys jingling and the front door opening, indicating Sam was back. My room's door was closed, as always, so I could just hear the faint noises he made as he walked in. I expected to hear the shower after some minutes, as he always took one when he came back from practice. But no sound was coming out of the bathroom. I shrugged it off, trying to focus back on my essay as I chewed on the sweet red fruit. But some minutes later, I heard a knock on my door.

I stopped typing, surprised that he had knocked. We never went into the other's room, not even peeked in with our heads, so none of us had never knocked on the other's door. And even though he had technically already been inside my room once, I knew that didn't count, as none of us had been conscious enough. After hurrying to finish chewing the strawberry I had in my mouth and I quickly swallowed it, I finally spoke.

-          Come in! – I said, feeling slightly nervous just thinking about why he would want to come into my room.

He seemed to hesitate on the other side of the door, as a couple seconds passed before I saw the knob turning and his face finally popped up from the corridor. But he didn't say anything once his eyes met mine. He was slightly smiling, but if you knew him enough you could tell it was forced. That way, I already knew something was off.

-          Hey – I said, looking away from my screen to properly face him.

-          Hey – he mumbled back, his voice kind of lost, just like his mind seemed to be. He looked kind of confused, too, and my worry started to increase.

-          Is everything okay? – I asked after some seconds of silence, as it looked like he wouldn't speak in spite of being the one who had knocked to come in.

He didn't reply right away, but started to look around my room, letting his eyes wonder and taking everything in. I assumed he had been too overwhelmed that morning he had woken up in here to pay attention to his surroundings, as he seemed to be looking at it for the first time ever.

-          May- May I come in? – he shyly asked once his eyes had stopped looking around and landed on mine.

-          Um, yeah, sure – I replied, watching as he finally stepped in and closed the door behind him. He hesitated at first when I shifted on my twin-sized bed, moving to rest my back against the wall on its right side instead of my headboard, patting the spot right beside me. But he eventually walked over and sat down, with our shoulders pressed together and his legs hanging from the side more prominently than mine, which didn't even reach the floor. He started playing with his fingers, but still didn't say a word, my concern only growing further – Sammy, what happened? – I asked in a soft voice, closing my laptop's lid and putting it aside so I could focus fully on him.

-          I don't know what to do – he finally sighed, rubbing his face with his both of his hands and then sliding them up to his lose hair, pulling from it slightly. He then rested his elbows on his knees, bringing his body forward, and sank his head down, distress pouring from all of his actions.

-          Hey, you can talk to me. What's wrong? – I tried to soothe him, rubbing his back over his sweater with one hand, and letting the other one rest on his leg.

-          It's Josh – he mumbled after some seconds, still not looking up at me. His voice was fainter than I had expected, being almost too low for me to hear.

-          What happened with Josh? – I asked, trying to be careful about what I asked as I kept on rubbing his back in slow motions.

-          He's dropping out of school too, Gwen – he finally said, lifting his head and tilting it to the side to look at me. Stress and desperation were taking all over his eyes as they bore into mine, and my heart couldn't help but ache when seeing him in that state.

-          Because of the band? – I dared to ask, and he nodded right away, biting down on his bottom lip – What's the issue, then? You were happy for Jake when he did it – I said softly, tiptoeing around the issue as I didn't want to trigger any bad reaction from him.

-          Josh loves film – he simply replied, as if that statement explained everything going on – Gwen, he loves it. His whole life he has dreamt of dedicating himself to film. He even had his own homemade movies, you know. And now he is dropping it. He is giving up his dream for this damned band – he sighed in frustration, letting his head fall down again. I started to get a hint about what was going on in his head, so I also let my thumb rub over his jean-covered leg too, hoping it helped him to relax – Jake and Josh are literally putting everything into it. They have given up everything. And I can't help but feel that I'm the one holding us back.

-          You are not holding them back, Sam ... – I started, but he cut me off immediately.

-          Look at me, Gwenny. I'm an astrophysics student, for fuck's sake. If they are dropping everything to make this band work and get somewhere, there's no way in which I won't end up screwing their plans if I keep on with this.

-          Danny is studying too – I pointed out, trying to bring some sense into him as I scooted even closer – And that doesn't mean he is holding them back either.

-          Danny is studying music engineering. If anything, what he's doing will actually be helpful for the band's future. But what can I do? I feel like I'm just wasting my time.

-           Okay, calm down and take a deep breath – I demanded, turning so that I was sitting cross-legged with my knees against his thigh. I stopped rubbing his back, letting him lean back against the wall, but placed one hand on his knee as he looked at me intently – What do you want? – I said, making sure to emphasize the "you".

-          This isn't about what I want, Gwen... – he started, but this time it was me the one interrupting.

-          Yes, it is. So, stop whining and tell me, what do you want? – I pushed.

He sighed, letting his head fall back against the wall, and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as I had asked him to. I felt sort of bad for him. He felt pressured to drop out too, but I knew he actually enjoyed college as much as he enjoyed the band. Almost unconsciously, I reached for his hand to pay it a gentle but reassurin squeeze, leaving my other hand comfortably resting on his knee. He slowly opened his eyes and looked down to our joined hands, lacing our fingers before he spoke again. Even though we had kept certain distance physically in the previous days, in that moment, holding hand felt right. And it wasn't awkward at all. On the contrary, it felt like natural thing I had done in a while.

-          I want the band to grow - he started, his eyes travelling over our close knuckles - But I also like what I'm studying, and I wouldn't want to risk everything in case we don't make it musically speaking.

-          Well, so there's your answer. You don't want to drop out of college, so then you don't have to. It has never stopped you from playing in the band before. I know it might feel like too much pressure right now, but you can make this work, Sammy, I trust you – I gently smiled, giving his fingers another squeeze as he slowly rubbed his thumb over the top back of my hand.

-          But it's so selfish... Everybody is giving their 100% for the band, giving up on everything else, while I'm the self-centred asshole that wants to keep on having everything.

-          You are not being selfish. You don't have to drop of out of college to give your 100%, it's you we are talking about. You are passionate for everything you do; do you really feel like you are not giving your 100% when playing? – I asked, and he avoided my eyes, knowing I was right.

-          I feel like if I don't focus on music completely, like the rest of the guys are doing, I'll never be good enough. That I'll fall behind. They will get better, and actually have a chance, while I'll be stuck and suck, ruining it all for them – he suddenly confessed, his gaze dropping to his lap to avoid mine.

-          Hey, look at me – I insisted, lifting the hand I had on his leg to brush some hair out of his face. His eyes reluctantly met mine, and seeing him so sad and worried broke my heart a little bit further – Somebody once told me that I'm a great artist, and that I should never let anyone tell me otherwise – I started, making him smile a little once he had realised I was quoting his own words – It's the same here, Sam. You are and outstanding artist. You are already amazing, and of course you can get better, but it will have nothing to do with you dropping out, because you are already great. And you shouldn't let anyone, but specially yourself, believe you are not awesome – I tucked one final piece of hair behind his ear before I smiled at him, hoping the warmth radiating from my face helped to melt his frustration away.

He looked at me for some seconds before he took ahold of my tiny body, lifting me so that I sat on his lap, and his arms immediately rounded me, bringing me in for a tight hug. It was definitely not the day to bring up our pending conversation regarding our relationship as Brooke had hoped so. He was too emotional and confused already to dig out another delicate topic.

-          Thank you, Gwenny – he mumbled into the crook of my neck, making my insides swoon. I let out a deep breath and brought my hand up to play with his long hair, my fingers soothingly running down the long strand as my other arm wrapped itself around his torso.

We stayed like that for a couple minutes until he eventually pulled away, smiling at me in a timid way. I mimicked his actions, pushing one piece of hair that had fallen over his forehead behind his shoulder, before looking up at him to speak again.

-          Do you want to watch a movie? – I shyly asked, knowing he had to keep his mind busy on something else for a while. He nodded eagerly, so I carefully climbed out of his lap and reached for my computer on the other end of the bed, turning it back on.

-          Oh, I thought we were watching it the living room – he commented in a slightly surprised tone, stopping dead on his tracks as he was about to stand up from the bed.

-          Nah, it's okay, we can watch it here – I shrugged, not paying much thought into it – Grab some strawberries if you want to – I added, gesturing over the fruit-filled bowl with my head as I readjusted my position on the bed, going back to leaning against the headboard.

Sam quickly joined me, leaving me between the wall and his body, with the bowl of strawberries resting on his lap. After discussing for some minutes about which movie we could watch, we finally settled for Inglorious Bastards, me trying to avoid any story too teary or dramatic so that it didn't bring Sam's mood more down than it already was. And I knew he loved Tarantino as well, so I hoped that watching one of his films would cheer him up a bit. We ate the whole bowl of strawberries throughout the movie, with the laptop placed in-between us. We were both lying with our heads resting on our palms, our elbows meeting on the middle of the mattress to give our perched up bodies support.

By the time the movie had ended, it was already 1AM, and I couldn't contain the yawn I had been holding for some time, making Sam yawn right after me. I closed the computer's lid, sitting up to place it on the footstool at the end of the bed, along with the empty fruit bowl. Crawling back to my spot, I looked at the long haired-boy resting on his back on my bed,  lying there in a deep struggle to keep his eyes open. Without paying much thought to it, I settled back on my spot and lifted the covers up, making my way inside the bed. I stretched out across Sam's body and turned the lamp on the nightstand off, getting ready to catch a good night's sleep.

-          What are you doing? – he mumbled in the dark, while I turned on my spot in an attempt to find the most convenient position. My hands found his arm and lifted it without thinking about it twice, letting me readjust my position so that I could use his chest as a pillow.

-          Going to sleep – I simply replied, making myself comfortable against his torso.

-          Gwen...

-           C'mon, you are feeling all sad and down. If I leave you alone, you'll end racking your brains on the issue. And you are already falling asleep here. Just climb under the covers, it's not as if you have never done it before... – I joked, trying not to give the situation too much importance. After hearing my stupid teasing comment, I felt his body instantly relax under mine, making me smile to myself as everytime I had managed to make him find one of my comments funny – Nothing will happen, Sam. We'll be just sleeping in the literal sense of the word, I just thought you would appreciate some company tonight after everything that's happened – I told him one last time after some seconds of silence, in a poor attempt to reassure him – You can go if you want to, anyways...

His body started to wiggle on its spot, trying to lift the covers up from beneath him, and I did a little victory dance in my head, realising he would stay. But he suddenly stopped.

-          I can't sleep in these clothes... – he hesitantly said, not knowing if I was okay with him taking them off. I rolled my eyes, even though he couldn't see it in the dark, and rolled off his body, letting him indeed remove whatever he needed to.

-          Hurry up – I mumbled, turning on my side so that I was facing the wall. He had been already barefoot when he had walked in, so I just heard him fumbling with his skinny jeans and tossing his shirt and sweater away. I felt the mattress dip beside me after some seconds, but yet, he stopped before laying down.

-          Are you sure? – he asked with an uncertain voice, pausing before he got in.

-          For fuck's sake, Samuel, get in the bed – I groaned, my impatience and tiredness getting the best of me.

He chuckled at my annoyance and finally lifted the covers up, rolling over to my side. At first none of us moved, but eventually, one of his arms sneaked around my waist, pulling me closer to his body to spoon me. I didn't complain either when his hand found mine in the dark, lacing our fingers as he buried his face into my neck, letting his breathing softly hit it. Instead of feeling nervous or tensing up, the warmth of his bare torso and the beating of his heart pressed against my back actually relaxed me, the pace of my own seeming to match his. We stayed in silence for what seemed like hours, but I knew he wasn't asleep, as his thumb kept on rubbing over the top of my hand in an absentminded way.

-          Thank you for everything – he suddenly mumbled after some minutes, so low that I didn't know if I had imagined it.

-          It's okay – I whispered back, pulling on his arm to tighten his grip around me. He responded by burying his face deeper into my neck, not caring about all of my hair sprawled there, and hummed in content, enjoying our embrace – Just for the record, now I've got to go twice to your room to make things even... – I joked in a low voice, making him chuckle.

-          Sure. Goodnight, Gwenny – he replied after yawning, finally deciding to give in to his impending sleep.

-          Goodnight, Sammy – I said back, closing my eyes with a fond smile on my face.

And just like that, we fell asleep, bodies pressed against each other, limbs all tangled, sharing the warmth of our skin and with happy looks on our faces. This was far from the talk I was supposed to have with him to clarify things. It actually increased the feelings I had yet to fully understand. Because this time, I couldn't just blame what was happening on physical attraction or sexual tension. After our conversation, this felt intimate, emotional and reassuring, something we had both needed without even realising it. And maybe it was wrong, but damn, did it feel good.