Four

I avoided going back to the apartment for the rest of the day. I couldn't bring myself to face Sam yet, not after what had happened the previous night and not being sure of how things had developed. If he remembered, I knew I would feel bad for not remembering myself, and I actually feared what he could say about it. I would hate being left in the dark about what had happened if he did know something. But still I wouldn't gather enough courage to ask him about it, not really knowing if I wanted to know what had exactly happened as my drunk self could be pretty wild and reckless, specially when it came to getting intimate.

If he didn't remember, we would both be on the same page. But an underlying tension would hover over the both of us, I believed, knowing we had fucked but not being able to take it back or even acknowledge it. I felt trapped, not finding any outcome favourable, racking my brain to find a way of dealing with our situatuion but not coming up with anything.

But I had come to the conclusion that I was definitely not ready to talk with him about it yet; I couldn't actually understand how I felt about it. I knew that us hooking up had been wrong, and that it shouldn't had happened. But yet, I couldn't help but wonder how his hands had felt against my skin, or how well did had he filled me up, going back to the only memories I held of our heated make out session, clinging onto them in an attempt to remember what had happened next. Brooke had been sort of right, his prefect physical traits had taken part in my decision of letting him live in my apartment, and not only because he would make a great model for my drawings. But he was still a really nice guy to live with, fun and caring, and not annoying in the slightest. I didn't want to lose that to some drunken night fuck.

I suddenly wondered if he was thinking about it too. He had woken up naked in my bed with a couple of hickeys, so he had probably connected the dotes and made a picture out of the situation we had found oursleves into in the late hours of the night. I really wanted to know if he was picturing my tiny hands grazing his bare torso or the feeling of my lips connecting to the skin of his neck, not being able to help myself. And in one hand, I really hoped he did.

But on the other, I also hoped he wouldn't say a thing about it, and thus we wouldn't have to address the issue, acting as if it nothing ever happened. I knew it would hurt me a little if he didn't say a word regarding it, but it would be for the best and we could maybe go back to normal, living as two good friends, and I would eventually get over it.

It being Saturday, I didn't have classes as an excuse to stay away from the apartment, so I tried to keep myself busy all day. I went downtown in the morning to buy some art supplies I was missing, allowing myself to have lunch at a tiny little bistro to make more time. Then I crashed at Brooke's apartment all afternoon, catching up with some assignments I should had done before, and actually helping her to finish sewing one of her dresses, doing anything possible to avoid returning to my place. When the clock struck 5PM I headed to work, going back downtown and spending the rest of the afternoon taking my shift at the little café I had been a barista on for the previous two years. But when it turned to night and both Brooke and Layla had to leave to the weekly dinner with their family they had every Saturday, I knew I had to go back to my own place.

- Please, are you sure I can't go over to your parents' for dinner? – I whined, lying on Brooke's bed as she finished retouching her make up. I had of course gone back to her apartment as soon as my shift had been over, still avoiding my own apartment.

- Of course you could, you are like their third daughter. But you won't. You have to go and fix things with Sam – she said sternly, giving me a look through her mirror. I groaned, burying my face in one of her pillows because she was indeed right, and was just trying to ran away from my problems – You have literally ran off, leaving the guy naked in your own bed, and you have been ignoring him all day. You both need to talk; in the end, you live together and will have to eventually face each other – she simply shrugged, grabbing her packed purse and turning to look at me expectantly.

I reluctantly got up from her bed, knowing I had lost the argument, and grabbed my stuff scattered all over her room, following her out at an agonizing pace to delay even more the moment I was about to face as much as I could.

- Do I really have to? – I asked one last time once we were at her doorway, already knowing the answer to that question.

- Yes. Now go, I know you can do it – she reassured, hugging me tightly in an attempt to comfort my distressed self - Let me know how it goes afterwards – she added, smiling at me in a cheerful way almost hoping to transmit that chipper mood to me, before storming down the stairs with Layla, who had been waiting for her in the living room, hurrying as they were already late.

I stayed for a couple more seconds at their doorway, coming to terms with actually having to face Sam, until I decided I was ready to go down. Once I reached our flat, I thought about knocking first, not knowing how to act after the previous night. But then I realised it was stupid, it was my apartment to, so I held my breathe and slowly opened the door.

To my luck, Danny was sitting right next to Sam on the sofa, both of them watching some movie on the TV. I instantly relaxed, knowing that if Danny was here, things wouldn't be so awkward, at least for the first couple of minutes. I also thought that Sam had probably kept him here on purpose, trying to smooth out the awkward moments that would certainly take place when I got here. Danny most likely had better plans for a Saturday night now that he had a girlfriend, so I really appreciated his presence in our apartment.

They both looked up from the screen once I had opened the door, and I shoot them a timid smile before finally stepping in, closing it behind me. I walked over to our working table and left all of the stuff I had bought in the morning there, glancing one more time at them before heading to my room. I changed into some comfy clothes there, going for and oversized hoodie and my pyjama shorts as I always did, before realising I had to go back to the living room. Keeping myself locked up in my bedroom wouldn't help, as avoiding him until we eventually ran into each other wouldn't be a sustainable plan and would only make things more awkward. It would be suspicious to stay here, and Danny was here anyways, so it couldn't be that bad. It was the best shot I had to be in the same room as Sam without it being too uncomfortable, so without thinking it twice I stormed out of my bedroom, feeling the most confident I had been all day.

When I entered the room, I could feel both pairs of eyes landing on me, and not in a very subtle way. Danny was staring at me with a knowing look and a little smirk, letting me know he knew his friend and I had fucked. Sam was awkward, but his eyes yet didn't fail to travel down my exposed legs before looking away. I walked over to them, really hoping Danny would scoot over to the middle of the couch so I wouldn't have to sit on the only spot left, right between him and Sam. But he didn't; his eyes were too focused back on the movie.

In order not to make things more awkward by asking him to move, I sat down in-between both guys, electricity shooting through my nerves once my skin had brushed Sam's. He shifted on his spot, clearly feeling a little self-concious about the closeness between our bodies. He wouldn't have minded days before, as we had always been comfortable around each other, but I was so nervous that it didn't even hurt when he stirred around in an attempt not to touch me. He failed all the same, as his warm thigh ended up being pressed right against mine anyways, and he had been forced to put his arm over the back of the couch to avoid it from being stuck against mine. It only made it worse, as it now felt like we were in some sort of awkward embrace, but he didn't dare to move again, fearing he would only make things even more distressing.

- What movie is it? – I asked, starting some light conversation in an attempt to clear my head from all the racing thoughts going through it. My voice had come out soft, giving awat I felt really intimidated by this new weird energy between me and Sam.

- Goodwill Hunting, it has just started – Danny commented absentmindedly, too focused on the screen, and handed me the bowl of popcorn that was lying on his lap. I gladly took it, as I hadn't had dinner and was actually starving, but eventually held myself from reaching for the bowl too much. I didn't want my hand to bump into Sam's in an old-fashioned movie way if he reached for the popcorn as well, so I left the bowl to rest on my lap, bearly eating from it, with him occasionally extending his hand to grab some of the buttery snack.

We watched the rest of the movie in silence, but once it was over and the credits were rolling on the screen, I looked over at Danny with pleading eyes, almost begging him not to leave. I could guess Sam was doing the same, as the dark-haired boy kept glancing from me to him with an already apologetic look, and I could feel my heart falling at the mere thought of being left alone with my roommate so soon.

- I better get going, I'm meeting with Mackenzie in half an hour – he finally sighed, making me lose all hope on things staying nice and careless for the rest of the night. He stood up, giving his friend a look that could be saying "Don't fuck things up" or simply "Don't fuck", I couldn't really tell, before he left the apartment, the door shutting close right after him.

For the first time in the two months we had lived together, an uncomfortable silence had settled in the room, none of us daring to speak nor even knowing where to look at, clearly desperate to avoid each other. And much to my dismay, the painful silence was interrupted by the awful sound of my growling stomach, making Sam glance over to me with a stiff but yet amused face. I was blushing as harder as I had ever done.

- I guess you are hungry – he chuckled after some silent seconds, speaking for the first time since I had got to the apartment. I relaxed a little bit at his casual tone, appreciating the fact that he was trying to carry the conversation as we normally would.

- Yeah, I haven't eaten anything since lunch – I confessed with a soft laugh, still not looking at him but keeping my eyes fixed on my hands resting on my lap, which suddenly looked way more interesting than they had ever done.

- I can cook us something, I didn't have dinner either – he shrugged in response, making me finally look up at him.

His eyes were the same. Beautiful, sweet, inviting. But now they had another special spark to them as they scanned my face, which I tried to ignore to prevent myself from blushing any harder.

- Are you sure? We could just order some take away – I replied, my voice soft again, never having felt that shy when talking to Sam before. After watching the whole movie, it had already got kind of late, and I didn't want to bother him with cooking. Especially as I didn't know how things stood between us; cooking dinner and eating together had never sounded so difficult before.

- Yeah, I don't mind. Are you up for pasta? – he simply asked, already starting to get up to head towards the kitchen.

- Pasta sounds great – I said with a small smile, trying to conivince myself that I could do this, and that him cooking dinner for us wasn't that bad nor out of place.

I didn't know if I was supposed to follow him into the kitchen or not, so I stood up and headed to his record player, dying for some music to kill the awkward environment. I picked Blue by Joni Mitchell, knowing he loved to hum along to it. Which meant we wouldn't talk that much. saving myself from more awkwardness.

Even though we always took turns to do it, I felt bad for him having to cook. After what had happened the previous night, it didn't feel as our normal routine. It felt as if he were a stranger who had offered to cook for me, because even though we were making our best effort to act normal, things weren't running as soomthly and careless between us as they always did.

So, I ended up heading towards the kitchen, offering to help but still trying to keep the conversation to a bare minimum. He said it was okay, though, smiling and telling me he could handle it on his own. I felt too shy to insist, something I would have normally done, so I limited myself to clean a little bit up. I grabbed the plates and cutlery from the drawers, placing them on the counter, all set for when the food was ready.

As I had expected, Sam softly hummed the whole way through the record, too lost into the music and the cooking to say another word to me. I hesitated before grabbing two wine glasses, as we always shared the drink whenever we had pasta, now wondering if it weren't too intimate. But I did all the same, not wanting to make things even more weird by changing our normal habits. I poured the dark liquid in both of the glasses before setting them on the coffee table, suddenly realising I was implying we would have dinner together. I didn't really know if he wanted to, as he had simply offered to cook, not to eat togheter. Maybe he was planning on eating locked up in his room, willing to stay away from me as much as possible.

But before I could give much thought to it, the long-haired boy came up behind me, with two steaming plates and forks in his hands, which he eventually placed on top of the tiny table. I sat down right after him, feeling a little uneasy but going on with the flow. Running away was really tempting, but I knew it would make everything worse once I had to deal with them.

- This is really good – I complimented after some minutes, not being able to take the silence anymore. The music didn't seem enough to ease down the tension as we sat next to each other on the couch, in spite of the appreciable distance between our bodies.

- Thanks – he mumbled, seeming sort of lost in his own thoughts – Your choice of wine was good too – he praised back, looking at me briefly before silently diving into his own world again.

We didn't exchange another word for the rest of the meal, both of us slightly picking at our food. It was really uncomfortable to sit there without saying a thing, making my heart sink a little knowing silences had always been enjoyable between us, being something I could only appreciate with very few people. The mere thought of losing something so valuable crushed me, making me realise how hooking up could have indeed ruin everything good between us.

Time didn't seem to be passing; it felt as if every second lasted longer than ever, painfully punishing us for what we had done. And when the music died down, it became utterly unbearable, and all my instincts told me to run away and hide until this whole storm of feelings and awkwardness had passed.

- Are we going to address the fact that we fucked last night or are you going to keep ignoring me? – Sam finally asked out of the blue, placing his empty plate and glass on the table, before he leaned back on the couch.

He was looking over at me for the first time in what felt like hours, and his gaze was almost scorching. I was taken aback by his sudden question, not because he had brought the issue up, as I had been expecting it to eventually happen, but because of the way he had said it. He seemed slightly annoyed, and he had no right to, as I was just as confused as him. And fucking had been something we had both taken part in, so he couldn't really put the blame on me.

- Ignoring you? – I could already feel the blood boiling in my veins as I placed my own tableware down, trying my best to tame my pented up frustration that had been locked up in my head all day – Last time I checked, it was you who left me and Brooke alone at the party, only bothering to send me death glares across the room if you ever happened to run into us. I wondered all night if I had done something wrong, because you were being rude as fuck – I spat back, but immediately regretted it.

I knew he was right. His little attitude from the previous night was nothing I could compare to me who leaving him naked in my own bed, avoiding going back to our place for the whole day in order not to see him. And I knew I was wrong, too. Even if he had ignored us when we first got to Danny's party, we had indeed ended up kissing, and somehow having sex afterwards, so he had clearly not steered away from me during the course of the whole night. He looked at me, disbelief and anger all over his face as if he couldn't believe I had actually said.

– I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I know you are right – I hurried to say before he could fire anything back, running my hands through my hair and closing my eyes for a couple seconds, trying to regain my composure as I leaned on my elbows, which were placed shakily on my knees – I'm sorry – I mumbled again, not being able to bring myself up to look at him. It had been stupid to snap out like that, but I was too nervous to control my own mind and words, his piercing gaze only worsening my already anxious state.

- It's okay – his voice was softer now, and I could hear him fidgeting with one of the cushions, clearly distressed too.

- Do– Do you remember anything? – I finally let out after some seconds of silence, looking at him as I dropped my hands from my face and turning around to face his side.

His eyes got lost in mine for a second, as if he was trying to search for something in there, until I couldn't prevent myself from looking down at his plump, beautiful lips. I immediately regretted it, and looked away as fast as I could, the mere sight of his mouth already making my heart jump.

- No – he finally murmured after a while, leaning his back onto the couch – Do you?

- Neither – I sighed, bringing my palms up again to rub my face in an attempt to hide my concerned state – Do you think we, you know, um, used protection? – I nervously let out, clearing my throat in the process. I was on the pill anyways, but you never knew. And there were other things I could get from having sex with him too, besides a baby.

- There were two tied up condoms on your nightstand when I woke up this morning – he cautiously said, making my eyes widen at the the fact I had done it more than once with him. I had thought it had been just one awkward, drunken quickie, and suddenly, I didn't even want to know what else we had done besides that. I clearly hadn't noticed the condoms when I had fled away in the morning as soon as I had woken up – I made sure to throw them away on my way out – he added, clearing his throat as well. This was way too uncomfortable, and climbing out of the window suddenly became too appealing.

- Oh, well, thank you I guess – I said, internally face-palming myself as I felt like my choice of words was really poor to amend a situation like this one – I'm sorry I ran away this morning, I didn't really know what to do – I finally sighed, addressing the second elephant in the room. I tried to shoot him an apologetic smile, but he didn't return it, keeping a straight face.

I had had one night stands in the past, but never with someone I was supposed to live with afterwards, so having to deal with this situation couldn't have been more unsettling.

- Do you think I knew what to do when I woke up in your bed, naked, and with you nowhere to be seen for the rest of the day to at least understand what the hell was going on? - he suddenly started, letting his anger reveal in his tone - You don't get to play the victim here. We both screwed up, and it doesn't make you any less responsible – he didn't raise his voice at me, but his voice was harsh enough to make me feel bad. Sam was always nice and sweet; I had never seen him getting mad like this before. Every time we had fought, it had been on a playful way, his tone just teasing but nowhere near sharp, not a single time.

- I'm sorry – I whispered again. I really felt like crying. He hadn't expected me to lay in bed cuddling him until he woke up; he had just wanted to know what had happened and talk things out. He had probably been just as confused as me, and all I had done was avoiding him and letting both of our selves get our heads caught up on the matter as time went by – I was scared – I added, deciding to be honest and get over this. My frightened voice seemed to have some sort of effect on him, as his features softened a little bit upon hearing my words.

- Scared of what? – he asked frowning, but still keeping his tone harsh, not willing to give up on his resentment yet.

- Scared that everything would be weird and, I don't know, that things would get fucked up – I replied, but internally cringed at my choice of words. But I still went on, bringing my legs up to my chest and hugging them to myself – You are a really good roommate, and I really like having you around. We get along well and actually work efficiently to make this place somewhat liveable – I chuckled sadly, already dreading the mere possibility of him wanting to leave - But most importantly, you are fun and sweet, and I actually enjoy sharing this apartment with you. And I would hate to lose all of that to some silly drunken fuck. I want everything to go back to normal – I finished, feeling somewhat vulnerable.

He studied my face for some seconds, with a look I couldn't decipher, and after what seemed like an eternity, he scooted closer, slowly pulling me into his chest with his arms firmly wrapped around my scrunched-up body, . I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and relaxed into his embrace, nuzzling his sweater's fabric covering his bony collarbone with my nose before I finally pressed my head against his torso, sighing in relief.

- We don't have to lose all of that – Sam mumbled against my hair after placing a kiss on top of my head, as if he were reassuring me but also himself – I've come to consider you my friend, Gwen, I don't want this to ruin it either – hearing him calling me his "friend" slightly upset me, but I really didn't know what I had expected him to regard me as if not – I'm sorry for snapping at you. I guess I was also panicking about how this would turn out. Can we please just let it go?

- There's nothing I want more – I sighed, partly lying. Yes, I wanted us to go back to our regular selves, but I still couldn't prevent myself from thinking about the kiss and what had happened afterwards, wishing I remembered at least a bit of it.

He pressed one last kiss to the crown of my head before leaning over the table and grabbing the TV's remote control, still keeping his other arm firmly around me. I cuddled up further into his side, sliding my legs to rest across the couch, and drapped my own arm loosely around his torso, letting the warmth of his body soothe me further. Even though we had always been affectionate towards each other, we had never really hugged or cuddled while watching TV. But in that moment, it felt right. Not because we were craving the other's touch, but because we were seeking for comfort. He put on Netflix, and waited for the app to load while his fingers drew absentminded patterns of my skin.

- Are we good, then? – he asked one last time, looking down at me t to make sure everything was okay between us. He squeezed my shoulder lightly in an affectionate way, reassuring me I could be open with him.

- Yes – I smiled up at him, happy that we could somewhat talk through it, even if we hadn't actually discussed what had happened, or most importantly, why had it happened – Just for the record, even though I don't remember a single thing about what went on in my room, you are a pretty good kisser – I smirked, turning to look back at the screen and trying to drown the last remainders of tension between us by setting a joking mood, as there normally was in our apartmenr when we both were around.

- Well, I guess you are not that bad yourself – he chuckled teasingly, making me lightly slap his abdomen as we both laughed.

The movie he had chosen ended up loading, and I reached for the blanket lying on the other end of the couch to pull it over our bodies. We both relaxed into the cushions and the other's body, smiling as it seemed that everything would go back to normal and that we could move on. Or at least, that's what we had thought.