n i n e t e e n

Christmas dinner was one of the most delicious meals I'd ever had in my life. The turkey, the potatoes, the pigs in blankets, the vegetables, the gravy, the stuffing, the cranberry sauce and the Yorkshire puddings all tasted wonderful. Maura's cooking never failed to surprise me even after spending an entire month eating her breakfasts, lunches and dinners.

"Merry Christmas everyone!" Bobby said when we'd all pulled our crackers and had paper crowns on. He lifted his glass of wine in the air and everyone followed, making them all clink together.

"Merry Christmas!" everyone said together and I smiled because it was such a warm feeling.

Christmas dinner went on for a while, everyone having seconds and thirds of turkey. The chat never got boring and I was always interested in the conversation. Niall was sat opposite me and every time I said something I knew he was looking at me but I tried my best to avoid his eyes because I knew it would hard to look away once I was looking in. He kicked my foot a few times, not in a mean, hard way but in a playful way that made me smile.

And then everything went wrong.

"Shit," I heard Niall say quietly while Maura was chatting away about a cake recipe she kept meaning to try and even though I was paying attention to her, I couldn't help but notice when Niall pulled his phone out his pocket. He stood up from the table quickly and walked out the room fast, already speaking into the phone.

"Not yet. I swear, I'll do it soon but just give a break from these stupid phone calls every single day, that's all I'm asking!" I heard Niall say from the hallway. He sounded sad? No angry? No frustrated? I honestly couldn't tell and it worried me hugely because I could always tell.

"I hope everything's ok," Maura said, wiping her hands with a napkin even though she didn't need to. Niall's voice was getting louder and louder and I was getting more worried.

"Lily maybe you should go and see what's wrong," Bobby said. I nodded at his suggestion and excused myself from the table to try and be as polite as possible. I walked out into the hallway but Niall wasn't there. He was half way up the stairs basically yelling into the phone that was pushed against his ear. He didn't notice me stood watching him.

"I know!" he paused just for a second and when he spoke again his voice was much calmer, "I will soon, I promise. Just let me have Christmas off so I can spend it with the people I love, please Simon."

It went silent and Niall looked up from his feet which made him finally notice me. I smiled slightly but his face just dropped and he went back to looking at his feet and running a hand through his hair, an action I knew all to well.

"Ok," Niall said quietly after a long pause and finally pulled the phone away from his ear and looked back up at me with a sigh, "Hey."

"What was that about?" I asked as I walked up the stairs to where he was sat. I plopped down next to him and he leaned into me, something he'd never really done before however I felt as if I was protecting him in some way and it made me a little happy that I knew he trusted me in keeping him safe.

When he didn't reply to my first question, I asked another, "Why didn't you tell me that Simon has been calling you every day?"

"Because..." he took a deep breath, "Because it's really none of your business."

His tone was sharp and surprised me but I stayed sat next to him because I could see that he was something other than happy. I didn't know what but I knew it wasn't happiness that clouded his face.

"Sorry, I was only asking," is all I could say because his sudden snap at me had changed my mood dramatically.

"Yeah well don't ask next time. I don't have to tell you everything!" he said again, his voice even meaner than the time before. I could feel the tears behind my eyes but I forced them back.

"Well I'm sorry that I care about you," I managed to get out before tears started falling.

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked up while doing it. I wiped my eyes while I waited for his response.

"Maybe that's the problem," he said, his voice quieter now, "You see... I don't care about you."

He didn't look at me when he said the words, he just had his eyes shut which made me half believe that he didn't mean it.

"Look at me and tell me that then, " I said. My voice was wobbly and I knew sobs were coming.

He finally opened his eyes and turned to look at me. He'd hurt me before and he wasn't afraid to do it again.

"I don't care about you," he repeated, "I was just messing around and having a bit of fun and it was kind of funny watching you fall in love with me."

"So why did you ask me to move in with you, huh?" I asked with tears streaming down my face.

"Because I wrapped the key up when you were asleep after we had sex. I was tired and wasn't thinking straight cause no one does after sex," he replied without hesitation.

I stood up fast from next to him on the stairs and ran up to Niall's room. I didn't bother waiting to see if he had anything else to say. He'd already said enough. Without hesitation, he'd looked me in the eyes and told me he didn't care about me and he was playing games the entire time.

My suitcase lay open at the end of his bed and I shoved my clothes in, not caring to fold them which I usually would've. I also grabbed my shoes from near the door of the bedroom and shoved them in too except for my uggs which I pulled onto my feet. I had to get out his house. When I finally managed to zip my suitcase up, I ran to the bathroom with my toiletries bag and chucked all my things in that had been staying in the bathroom for the past month. When I returned to Niall's room I gathered all my hair things and threw them into the bag with my toiletries and hoped nothing would break.

The final thing I grabbed was my phone charger from the pillow that had been my pillow for the entire time I'd been there. Then, rolling my suitcase behind me and carrying my toiletries bag in one hand and my phone in the other, I walked down the stairs. Niall was leant against the wall of the hallway and looking straight ahead. His face was emotionless.

"Tell your parents that I said thanks for Christmas dinner," I said to him as I reached the front door and unlocked it. When I opened it, the freezing air hit me like a tone of bricks. I didn't have my coat and I didn't know where it was but I did know that I definitely wasn't going to search Niall's house for it.

"Lily," Niall said from behind me in a sad voice but I had no sympathy for him.

"Oh go find someone else to trick you sick bastard because I am not your toy that you can mess around with anymore!" I shouted.

I didn't wait for Niall's respond, I wasn't even sure he had one. I just stepped outside and rolled my suitcase down the drive, past Maura's car and the mini that was meant to be mine. I opened my phone and discovered that the bus station was close so I walked there.

I had to wait for at least 2 hours at the bus stop because it was Christmas and only one bus was running but I didn't really care. It gave me time to think and to process what Niall had just said to me. He'd said it right to my face that he didn't care about me so it was clear he was telling the truth.

When the bus finally pulled up at the bus stop my entire body was shaking with cold. The bus driver said he'd take me straight to the airport because it was Christmas so why not. There was no one else on the bus so when I was sat at the back with my cheek pressed against the cold window I didn't try to hide my tears. They trickled down my face and dissolved on my lips, leaving a salty taste behind that made me thirsty. I didn't have a drink with me so I just sat in silence until the bus came to a stop outside the airport. 

"How much do I owe you?" I asked the driver as I pulled my purse out my toiletries bag.

"Don't worry about it," he said in a friendly, Irish voice.

"Your sure?"

"Yeah, I mean it's Christmas after all," he smiled.

"Yes it is," I said almost to quiet for him to hear because it seemed stupid that I was going to fly home on Christmas day with my heart broken yet again.

"Go on then, you don't want to miss your flight," the bus driver said and nodded towards the door. I forced out a smile as if to say thank you and stepped out the bus onto the hard concrete ground, my suitcase following with a small thud.

I'd never been to the front of Dublin airport. When Maura had picked Niall and me up when we first arrived in Ireland the car was right there near the plane so we didn't have to walk through the airport or anything.

It wasn't busy in the airport so I didn't have to queue for long to get my ticket. I was lucky because there was a flight to London in less than an hour so I just sat and waited. A nice woman spoke to me for about 45 minutes, explaining to me how she was meant to be picking up her husband but he was running late. She left though when he husband finally arrived and I was left alone.

When my flight finally came around there was only 5 other people on the plane. I sat alone at the back and listened to my music which made me cry because it was all sad songs. No one looked at me when I began sobbing even though I was 99% sure they could hear me so I just pulled my legs up to my body and sat in a ball for the entire flight, letting myself cry as much as I wanted to because my heart was officially the most broken it had ever been and if I didn't cry I would've exploded.