-23-

"TV"

When it comes to love, you always want to grasp it and never let it go. After all, it was a feeling you couldn't imagine until you realized how happy you were with them.

However, it's also a painful feeling.

It occur to me that I really cared for Dean until I realized how many days of school I've missed of just laying in bed- tired, thirsty, hungry and depressed.

When I did get hungry however, I wouldn't eat. The feeling of anger, sadness and anxiety made me lose my appetite with just a few bites or even none at all.

Not only did I start to eat less, but my sleeping schedule was horrible. At night was when my brain didn't have an off switch. My thoughts will pour in which my brain will absorb like a sponge and even make me have anxiety attacks. I couldn't let mom know.

She was already worried after the first day, thinking I would become even more depressed and do something I shouldn't- but that wasn't the case. I couldn't imagine leaving her, Nico and Luis.

My hands slightly gotten better. The cuts were almost fully healed, but were still very swollen with bruises that got me staring at them all day. It even hurts to bend them and even crack a knuckle.

And as for practice, I didn't have the courage to step inside that rink. Hell, the first thing I needed to do is get out of this bed, this room.

The sound of the birds chirping made my head pound and ears ring. I grabbed my pillow and covered one of my ears with it, kinda helping lowering the loud chirps.

"Nai, it's time to wake up" I heard my mothers soft voice say

I slowly lifted the pillow off my head and covered my body with my blanket as I curled into a ball, not saying a word.

I can still feel her presence in the room, possibly figuring out what to say to me, or how to get me out of bed to at least brush my teeth. However she wouldn't say anything, she would walk away and let me be. Maybe it's because this was the second time I've been in this "faze"- is what she calls it- and doesn't know what to do.

"I know stuff has been- hard, but you should really get up mi amor" She finally spoke "Luis and the others are worried about you"

That's right, Luis. For the past few days, him- along with the others- I would hear them knock on my house door asking for me. Sometimes they would call on my house phone, but I never answered. I didn't want to hear the "Are you okay?" question over and over and answer with a lie.

"Okay, I'll let you be. If you're ever hungry, I'll be downstairs making food alright?"

I nod slowly, even though I doubt she saw, but I hoped she at least knew I agreed.

I laid in bed for another three minutes, leaving a small hole for me to breathe in. I felt Nico's tiny little paws on my bed, wondering off somewhere, that was until he stood in front of the small hole, making me jump and lift the blanket off of me.

"Darn you cat! How many times have I told you to at least meow when you want to find me?" I said in a groggy voice, lifting the blanket off of my head as I sat up.

He looks up at me sadly with his ears slowly going down. This was the same way he acted when I caught him eating food from the kitchen table.

I sighed as I pet his head "I can never get mad at you"

He purrs as he lays between my legs, his fluffy tail moving from side to side and his tiny pink paws reaching for the sky.

"Alright, I'll get up today" I smiled at him

I gently moved him to the side as I swung my legs to the edge of my bed.

"Lay in bed for one more day"

"No- I-I shouldn't, I'm fine now"

"Are you really?"

I realized my leg was doing that thing again. You know, when it starts to move up and down and sometimes you can't even tell. I heard what causes this is anxiety, but I've seen people do it like it's a natural thing. Everyone does it, especially myself.

I forced myself up and headed to the bathroom, quickly putting toothpaste on my toothbrush with a slight bit of water.

When I looked up from the mirror, I almost didn't recognize myself. My face slightly pale from not getting sunlight, there was dark circles under my eyes due to not sleeping and my hair was bunched up and everywhere.

"Jesus, I look like shit" I thought as I continue to brush my teeth.

I brushed my hair and washed my face so I can at least feel fresh. However, it didn't change the feeling I had.

"No, I'm going to do something. No more staying in bed damn it" I said to myself as I headed downstairs

I whiff of mom's famous conchas hit my face. I never recognized how amazing the sweet bread smells until now, possibly because I'm starving and haven't eaten a decent meal.

"I wanted to make something different today if that's alright with you?" She smiles softly as she hands me a chocolate concha, my favorite.

"It smells, great" I cracked a smile as I took a seat in the kitchen table.

She pours me some warm milk- the best way to eat a concha- and continues to bake the sweet bread. I take a small bite, and my whole body almost melted on the spot. I savored the chocolate taste as if it was the last thing I'll ever eat.

"I honestly didn't think you were going to get up this time" She began "I was worried"

"I just felt like I needed to move around other than staying in my room. You don't need to worry" I reassured her

"You're right, sorry"

I sat in silence as I watched her bake the last batch of concha's. She adds some in a paper bag and starts to clean the counters.

"Who's concha's are those in the paper bag?" I asked as I sipped the glass of warm milk

"Luis and Nina" she replies "Luis has been asking about you"

"I see..." I wondered as I stared down at the half glass of milk

"Umm, would you mind doing me a favor?" She nervously asks "I know you're still not in the best mood and all-"

"No no, it's alright. What is it?"

She hands me ten dollars from her purse "Would you mind getting me a gallon of milk? Just in case you want to eat some concha's for later"

I didn't mind helping her with anything, especially if it was as a small favor like getting something from the store. In fact, this'll be a first step into getting some fresh air.

"Of course"

I popped on my slippers and headed out the door. I almost turned my heel and went back inside, as it was fucking freezing.

"Christ! I better head to the market fast if I don't wanna be out here in the cold" I spoke out loud

**********************************************I'm back, I apologize for having a hiatus. I'm slowly coming back to writing so please don't be mad baes 🥲❤️