Chapter 52-

WARNING: Vivid descriptions of blood, gore, and death. 

The color drains down the drain. All except red. Red splatters like blood, no, it must be. Something cracks, deep and primal, deep and painful, but he deserved it. 

Did he look at the surface and see a plump kit, a kid, a child, or did he see the ambitious eyes of a monster. Does he see a scarred adult or a child, a baby, a puppet? Does he see green or red? Green eyes or red eyes? White, pure, or orange, a dictator or mediator? Death or life? 

When Sagestar blinks he sees green, not red. He sees both orange and white. Life and death. Dictator and mediator. In the last seconds of his life, he saw the cats that turned red. He knows why they are red. He knows why he's back here, back here. But every cat has to turn red. 

Everyone dies in the end. 

                                                                        ~~~

The ground is wet with condensation as Sagestar's paws glide over the ground, grass shreds pressed beneath. The sky and clouds open up and screech, dropping frigid rain upon them. The wind whistles, pushing the cat's ears inside out with every strong gust which carries more and more liquid until Sagestar can barely see through the haze of water and fast-moving air. 

The tom leads the battle patrol home, ears pulled back against his skull and teeth chattering from the sheer force of the chilly winds. The world is dark and misty, the clouds dropped down to earth in the form of fog. 

"Did they surrender?" Swanpaw, a young apprentice from Riverclan, asks hesitantly, voice laced with disappointment. Sagestar shrugs, teeth bared. Images of Mallardkit hunched behind Scarletstar, calling her 'momma' somehow makes Sagestar sick. 

The walk home has been quiet and tense. Echopaw is limping along, Sappaw's fur is ruffled and puffed up even with the rain, and Yewmist is flanked by Smoothpearl and Fallowshard, to hurt to walk alone. The only one majorly injured is a small Riverclan tom, Urchinpaw, who's head is cracked and bleeding. Swanpaw and Echopaw hold his scruff, practically pulling him. The tom's eyes are glazed, and Sagestar doubts he'll make it. 

"We fought well," Minnowrose says slowly, doubt radiating off of her. Her voice breaks the cold and hard silence, and Sagestar tosses her a glare. Right. They'd surrendered to a clan two times smaller. How is that 'fighting well?' 

"We're almost there," Sagestar flicks his tail, ignoring the comment. The camp is in view, it's large stone and bramble walls towering over the patrol. Swanpaw glances upwards, his eyes widen. 

"I never realized it's this big...I don't notice it a lot," the apprentice says, blinking his eyes away. Echopaw shrugs. The patrol falls back into silence as the rain gets heavier, dripping from their pelts. Sagestar grumbles. When will this rain ease? 

The patrol ducks into camp, paws muddy and spirits drained. Their eyes filter instantly to the medicine cat's den. Warm, safe, dry. 

Sagestar's eyes find the nursery, missing one kit. He doesn't feel his stomach twist with sickness, no, instead he feels a mix of guilt and triumph. The guilt is weak, flimsy, barely there, and the pride radiates from him. He's done this. He's built this clan, this life, he's been powerful. Sure, the guilt still shines in Yewmist's sad laughs and Myrtlekit's queries about her brother. But the triumph is stronger. He's done his, been strong enough to do this. 

But still it's terrifying. Scarletstar doesn't know what she's done. She's officially turned Smoothpearl against her brother, made one more member of the clan doubt him. Sagestar feels like a kit that's been caught, a kit who's in front of leader being punished. Nervous energy courses through Sagestar. 

But if you have a prey that starts to mold, just slice the moldy part off. 

Smoothpearl has two options. She'll leave or die. It's that easy. What's one more death to Sagestar? Nothing. 

Yewmist collapses onto Fallowshard's side as Smoothpearl leaves the two, and the tom limps in the general direction of the prey pile. The clan disperses. The somehow unscathed ones hobble into dens and the hurt limp into the medicine cat's den, now flooded with cats. Tumblecry sniffs wounds and licks small scrapes, her fur messy and eyes wide with panic. She looks somehow overwhelmed with Riverclan and Thunderclan combined. Sagestar wants to laugh. She probably misses Flickerfire. 

Sagestar feels a paw prod into his gut and he blinks at the sheer force of the hit. He'll be bruised later, for sure. His side throbs a little as he turns, teeth bared into a snarl. "What the f-" 

Smoothpearl's eyes blaze as Sagestar's pupils flick up to meet them. Her jaw is set in an enraged snarl, and her face is contorted into one of rage. Her fur is puffed, as if it had rippled and then multiplied in size. The she-cat's back is arched ever so slightly, as if she's warning Sagestar but no one else. Her anger is powerful and dangerous, her words sounding like fire and pure ire. 

"We need to talk," the she-cat's words don't sound like an offer. They leave no room for discussion, only anticipation. Sagestar feels almost excited to say the words 'exiled' to his sister's face. His tail whisks around, eyes narrowing. 

"Sure." 

                                                                ~~~

Sagestar remembers the battle, the red, the blood. And then Tansypaw. 

So long buried in bad memories, in remorse, in indifference, all come up to surface. Deep down, Sagestar does feel sad about Tansypaw's death. It was the only accidental death he'd caused, the first one, and it still hurts to see the image of blood pooling outside of the apprentice's mouth. 

These rocks hold so many memories. Bad memories. They also hold Flickerfire's blood. Cracked skull, dead eyes, open mouth. Sagestar's laugh, cold, fake, sad. Because how else can you make yourself feel better? 

These rocks symbolize death, mourning. 

Is that why Smoothpearl had brought him here? 

Smoothpearl is not quiet. Her feelings aren't hidden as in battle. The she-cat's muzzle curls dangerously, and her whole pelt ripples, puffed up. Her back is arched and her lips reveal sharp canines. Sagestar tries to remain calm but anger and anxiety pumps through his veins like claws tearing through muscle. 

"Tell me," Smoothpearl's voice is sharp and angry, claws screeching against the sun-warmed rocks, "Tell me you didn't take him." Sagestar narrows his deep green eyes, tail lashing back and forth. 

"Does it matter?" Sagestar shrugs, "You're lucky he's safe with how you've treated me." Smoothpearl's eyes flash with barely contained rage, and she laughs angrily. The chortle is pure anger condensed into a loud, tense, sound. 

Sagestar sees more, however, than anger and fury. Sadness. Confusion. Weak emotions other than hate and ire. Sagestar takes advantage of his momentary high ground. 

"What, do you actually miss him?" The tom snorts disdainfully, "Sure, I feel bad, but how could you miss a runt like that? He's weak, Smoothpearl. You wouldn't accept that, so I took him. It's helped you. You should thank me." Sagestar shrugs, pretending not to see the pure uninterrupted hurt ebb into Smoothpearl's once confident form. 

"What happened?" Smoothpearl asks shakily, "We grew up together, I know what you went through, yet I still can't guess what went wrong." Her eyes are filled with depression, but Sagestar's body shakes with anger. What went wrong? What went wrong? 

"Nothing's wrong with me!" Sagestar roars, stepping forward threateningly. How could Smoothpearl make such a claim when it's so clear 'when he's went wrong.' Sagestar is hurting. The realization makes him sway on his paws. "I wasn't included in anything. You guys had already decided what was 'wrong with me' before I was even an apprentice! And what was? Snapstar? Was he my fault?" Sagestar is worked up now, wanting to pace. "Now that I'm finally powerful, finally something, everyone hates me for it." Sagestar's voice rises. "But no, it's my fault. Everything's my fault." 

Smoothpearl's eyes are wide with fear and confusion. "I never excluded you," her voice is breathy, almost like an airy whisper, "You pushed us away, Sagestar. You always did." Sagestar blinks in rage, trying to see through his fury. 

"Liar!" he screeches, storming forward. He stops in front of his sister, eyes flashing with emotions. Emotions he's always thought weak. He finally realizes who taught him that. 

Snapstar. 

How many more of his virtues are taught by Snapstar? 

Finally, though, Sagestar remembers Cricketkit. His cries of pure agony. His soul clawing his way back into his tiny, cooling, body. 

And then Maplekit, Snapstar tearing into her fur and skin and bone. Her cries of agony, her soul weeping as she's led into Starclan. 

How is that different? 

Sagestar's eyes pool with tears and he steps back, feeling numb. So it is his fault, isn't it? He is like Snapstar, isn't he? So much. 

And Ravenkit is like...him? 

For once, Sagestar does not reject the emotion, and he feels around the new dark space he's in. Doubt and hurt, old emotions he'd pushed away, meet him sharply. The wave of pain he's missed comes crashing down, swallowing the tom and making him remember. Everything. All the pain, the glares, the blood, the sounds of pain. How has he become this? This monster, this awful cat he's strived not to be. 

"I'm..." the words struggle in Sagestar's throat, stuck. Because is he really? Is this authentic? "Sorry. I'll fix this. I'll fix this all." Sagestar pauses, not stops, because something is missing. Something crucial, that Sagestar desperately wants to be. "I love you." Smoothpearl's eyes don't soften, don't fold under the apology. Her back is still arched, her head low and her jaw clenched. 

"I don't care whether you love me or not," Smoothpearl growls, "I don't care if you apologize. I don't care about you anymore, Sagestar. I've given up." Her claws slide out of their sheathes, gleaming in the harsh light of sunset. The wind whistles. 

"What-" 

A crushing weight knocks Sagestar backwards, and he screeches as blood sprays on stone and his head cracks, leaking blood. A pair of sharp claws reach his face just as the tom chooses to cover it, and the sharp pricks reach his bare paw pads. "Smoothpearl-" The tom's ears are raked, spilling blood. The tom gasps silently, surprised at the sheer pain. 

"Flickerfire died here," Sagestar hears Smoothpearl hiss, "I saw you walk out together. I barely remember. I shouldn't have to." 

Sagestar presses out with his paws, and Smoothpearl is pushed off. Horror seizes Sagestar as he doesn't hear the sound of body on stone. Had Smoothpearl fell to her death, like so many? Like Flickerfire and Tansypaw and now... Sagestar really is a monster. 

The tom stands on shaky paws, feeling a wave of nausea wash over him. His head spins from the hit to his skull, and blood taints his ginger fur. Red drips from his forehead into his eyes, blinding him and making his world red. 

"Smoothpearl...?" His voice sounds distant and is interrupted by slurring and high-pitched rings that stem from inside his head. "Smooth-" 

Another hit from behind stuns the tom and his legs fold, no longer working. His head blossoms into a world of red. "How many others have you killed, hurt, ruined?" Smoothpearl whispers into the tom's ears and claws sink into his back, "I could have killed you like how Flickerfire died. Quick, easy, death to the rocks. But this is how you killed others, right? Because there must've been others, correct?" Sagestar blinks back pure unhindered pain and wants to cry out- 

"Cricketkit," The tom slurs, eyelids fluttering closed, "I ki-killed...him." Smoothpearl makes an enraged sound, pressing harder on his lungs. 

"Who else?" 

"Aloe-"

"Our mom?" 

Smoothpearl's voice is wild and angry and she presses down hard on the tom's head until something breaks.

Smoothpearl's voice is clear, even if the world isn't. Her mew is sharp and unapologetic, her voice holding no remorse. Sagestar's heart twists as he hears the words. I was going to change, I was going to be better... But as the world dissipates, Sagestar hears one last voice, one last snarl, as the world leaves him. 

"I hope you suffer."  

                                                                        ~~~

and here it is! the end. next comes the epilogue then author's note. I'll go more into detail, but basically, thank you for sticking with this book. I'm so thankful for you all, and seriously, I would've quit this project without you. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH.