Chapter 21-

Sagepaw blinks his eyes open to warm sunlight breaking up his fragile dreams into reality. He is alive, and home. The word 'home' is well-rounded and feels nice in his head.

"Mom?"

The word too feels nice, but it isn't his voice that says it. It's Flickerpaw's wheezing voice, his eyes looking heavy and burdened. "Mama?"

Sagepaw rolls his eyes, surprised by his own annoyance. Can't his brother ever act his age?

A mouse lands in their direction, the warm-smelling blood making Sagepaw sit up. His sleepy confusion lifts and he blinks slowly at the form, his sister and not Aloestar. "Smoothpaw?"

"Yep," the she-cat looks serious and does not blink back, but instead flicks her tail toward Flickerpaw. "You. Out. Tumblecry needs you." Flickerpaw narrows his eyes and glares like a kit, but rises to his paws.

"Thanks for the prey," he mutters sarcastically, brushing past his sister.

Sagepaw rises to his paw with a yawn and a stretch, tail flicking. "Thank you," he says slowly, nudging the mouse towards Smoothpaw, "Wanna share?" Smoothpaw shakes her head quickly.

"Already ate. We need to talk." The she-cat's fur ripples uncomfortably. Sagepaw narrows his eyes in unease.

"Okay. Uh, shoot," the tom answers, offering a tiny smile.

Smoothpaw breathes. "Tell me all that you know. You've kept so much from us, both me and Flickerpaw, and it's not fair that you know but we don't. So I want all of it. All of it."

Sagepaw feels accused, anger flaring in his chest. "I don't know anything more," Sagepaw hisses, "I was trying to protect you-"

"Don't give me that," Smoothpaw spits, looking eerily calm, "But fine. I'll ask questions. Why'd Snapstar pick you, out of all of us? I look just like him. Why you?"

"You're a she-cat," Sagepaw says, annoyed, "and I have green eyes. I don't look like Mom, like Flickerpaw. That's easy. Why was I supposed to tell you that?"

"Why didn't you tell us Dad- Snapstar died in the fire? We deserved to know." Smoothpaw looks angrier than before, her eyes flashing with confusion herself. Sagepaw only feels a tiny bit bad.

"I don't have to tell you that," the tom says stubbornly, sitting on his flicking tail, "It's my business."

I don't. It's my story to tell.

But those are just excuses. And they're not even good at excusing. They aren't even convincing Sagepaw. Much less Smoothpaw. Because he should tell them. He should've told them. But he didn't. Why? He doesn't even know. He was too broken to know, too confused.

And now Sagepaw knows why.

Because of the green eyes in his head, glaring at him. Because of the sharp voice, demanding him to just do better.

"I did it. Strong cats don't cry."

Snapstar, all those moments that his disapproving gaze cuts into joy, into fear, into life. The look he gave Sagepaw as he disappeared into the smoke, like it was all his fault. Like he had tried so hard, but still failed.

So is Sagepaw not strong?

No, because hiding beneath Snapstar's paws didn't make him unstoppable, and it won't. Just because he's Snapstar's son, or something like that, doesn't make him immortal.

And that hurts.

But imagine how Smoothpaw feels.

But no, he won't, because it hurts too much. Thinking isn't meant to hurt. Eyes aren't meant to cry. So he'll leave it alone for now, he won't speak. Because it hurts too much, and Smoothpaw's stupid if she wants to confront the memories that she doesn't even have.

"I don't want to talk to you anymore," Sagepaw breathes finally, leaning down to pick up his prey, "I'm not going to be accused. You don't know what happened. You won't understand if you didn't see."

Sagepaw presses past his sister, into the sunlight of morning. It seems, right now, even the sun frowns down on the tom's actions.

                                                                 ~~~

                                                   Flickerpaw's POV

"What did Starclan tell you, exactly?" Tumblecry's voice is infinitely calm. Her eyes search her herb store.

"Um..." Flickerpaw hopes he'll forget, but he doesn't, "Um... a warning?" Tumblecry looks annoyed as she hooks a dock leaf and drops it into a pile with a bunch of other rounded leaves.

"Be specific. Of a cat or-"

"Yes," Flickerpaw says hesitantly, "A murderer, living under a holy title that can't be shaken?" The words come out as a question. "It's a he, I think they said. He can only be killed."

Tumblecry turns, whisking around with a thoughtful flick of her tail. Another herb drops into another pile. "Dark Forest tainted?"

Flickerpaw blinks. How had she known? "Uh, yeah. Guess so," the tom mumbles. Tumblecry blinks too, looking like she's decided what it means.

"It's Sagepaw," the medicine cat turns again, like her news didn't feel like a stab to the heart. Flickerpaw shakes his head slowly, gears turning inside of his head.

"No it isn't," the tom whispers under his breath, before repeating it in his head, "Sagepaw isn't a murderer. And what holy title? You're wrong." Tumblecry only shrugs, not facing Flickerpaw.

"Maybe," she answers calmly. Plop. Another leaf in another pile. Flickerpaw watches each leaf plop into each pile, knowing each name of each distinct-smelling herb. He'd only been a warrior's apprentice because of the fear of sounding weak to Snapstar. But now Snapstar's gone, and no one is here to judge him.

Plop. Another leaf falls. Was Flickerpaw assigned to the wrong pile?

"Hey, uh, one more thing," Flickerpaw nearly whispers, like he's telling a secret. It feels like it. "Can I be a medicine cat apprentice?"

                                                                 ~~~

                                                   Sagepaw's POV

Sagepaw stands across from Smoothpaw, sunlight causing him to squint his eyes.

Two moons have passed since the fire, since Windclan, since everything. Now Sagepaw's ten moons old. Ten moons. Why has so much happened in two moons?

Sagepaw was reassigned to Cracklight, after Flickerpaw decided to become a medicine cat apprentice. The tom had simply come back to their den, to their nest, but not to sleep. To say goodbye, before he moved into the herb-smelling hole. Why would any cat want that?

But it was his choice, his choice what to do about his now-broken life. And part of Sagepaw wishes he still has that control. But he doesn't.

So now he's standing across from Smoothpaw, the grass he can't control under his paws, the sun he can't control shining down, and his heart which he can't even seem to control pounding in his chest with all of the angry, bad thoughts.

But it's okay. He'll win and look fine, happy, even.

"Three...Two...One!" Cracklight's voice marks the beginning of the battle.

Sagepaw knows most cats circle for a moment, to make plans and think, but right now he can't control his mind, so he doesn't need to think.

He can tell Smoothpaw is surprised by her little gasp as his paws hit her nose. She stumbles, backward, and Sagepaw leaps. But she rolls away, back on her feet in a moment. Sagepaw is too, too quick, and Smoothpaw's paws slam down on nothing but dust. They are both too quick.

"Move faster, that front swipe was good, but quicker!" Cracklight's voice breaks through Sagepaw's annoyed huff. He wheels around, quick, quicker, to see Smoothpaw pouncing at him. The tom clumsily darts away, like a frightened squirrel. Cracklight's grunt of disappointment is enough to send red-hot rage pulsing through Sagepaw's blood.

The tom whisks around to face Smoothpaw, a real, authentic, snarl escaping his jaws. He pounces, quickly. She sidesteps, like he expects, though. He lands on his feet, turning to swipe a sheathed paw at Smoothpaw's muzzle.

Sheathed. Sheathed? No. Not sheathed. Oh no.

Smoothpaw has a cut on her nose, blood welling up, and her face twists with surprise and disgust. Disgust at Sagepaw.

The rage fades. The anger fizzles out. He can only stare at the cut, long but not very deep, and watch as Cracklight and Aloestar rush over.

"What were you thinking?" Cracklight asks, muzzle twisting in a half-snarl, "I told you to keep your claws sheathed. What were you thinking?" The rage returns, mixed with a deep, prying, sadness.

"I wasn't thinking!" Sagepaw explodes, his voice rising, "You were... were yelling too loudly... I was going as quickly as possible! But you said go quicker, so I tried... I did, and look at where that got me!" The orange and white tom suddenly hates his coat; it's too close to Cracklight's all-orange pelt, and Snapstar's, and he can't stand that.

Aloestar turns to Sagepaw, her eyes a mix between angry and confused. "We need to talk. Now." Sagepaw only nods, feeling numb.

Smoothpaw says nothing as Aloestar leads the way into the trees. Or what remains of them. The moss has covered the forest floor, green and healthy, and a few shrubs have started to sprout. It looks green again, almost optimistic, but Sagepaw knows better. Prey is still scarce and squirrels are rare. Mice have finally started to return, hiding in the undergrowth.

Aloestar stops, a threatening look in her eyes. "What's going on?" she begins, eyes narrowed, "Ever since...Windclan...you've been so different. Angry, short-tempered. What did he say?" But she must know. Sagepaw looks up, trying to tell her through his eyes. But it doesn't work. She doesn't get it.

Sagepaw feels like he shrinks, like a wilted sage bush, taken by fire. "M-Mom," he whispers slowly, eyes focusing solely on his paws, "Snapstar's not my dad, is he?"