Chapter 10-

What does happiness feel like?

Bubbly, like light, a weight lifted off weakened shoulders. Like being a kit again, like the moment your teeth sink into prey.

What is the difference between death and life?

The only difference is you're blocked off from your loved ones, trapped in a loop of pain and hazy confusion. But is life much better?

What is the purpose of pain?

To warn that something is wrong with you, that you need to fix yourself.

What happens if you can't ease that pain?

It keeps stabbing and jolting and stabbing and squeezing life out of you until there is none left. All you want to do is sleep, to distract your mind. But then even dreams turn into nightmares.

~~~

Sagepaw blinks his eyes open, the pattering of rain breaking the shield that is sleep. A roar comes from thunder, and it sounds like pain and anguish. It sounds like how Sagepaw feels.

A soft pelt brushes his, and Smoothpaw's head raises, her glassy blue eyes softening at the sight of her brother. They instantly blink awake, her body rising from the nest.

"Do you need prey? Or a walk? I have training today but... you could come and watch. Sun could help," Smoothpaw licks the area between Sagepaw's ears affectionately. Sagepaw shuffles away.

His stomach feels like it's eating itself. The gnawing of hunger pierces it, stabbing over and over. But Sagepaw doesn't mind the pain. It distracts him from the pain tainting his mind, so they work together well.

"No," Sagepaw shakes his head, "not hungry. I'd watch you train though. Sh-Sure." Smoothpaw's eyes brighten with hope, which only makes the guilt stronger. Sagepaw knows his will, or more like lack-of, to get out of his nest bothers her and Flickerpaw, who'd long given up on getting him to take a walk. But sun could help. It could. Perhaps Snapstar wouldn't be so disappointed.

Sagepaw struggles to his paws, his matted pelt seemingly fused to the moss. Smoothpaw helps him up, grunting dramatically. Sagepaw sits on the stone, the cool, smooth, surface, feeling good on his tangled pelt.

"Sure you don't want prey?" Smoothpaw narrows her eyes almost suspiciously, "I don't remember when you last ate-"

"I'm fine."

"Okay, okay."

Sagepaw only takes a few moments to lazily groom the chunks of moss from his pelt, leaving the mats and tangles for later. His paws, heavy with an invisible weight, move to follow Smoothpaw's pristine and shining orange pelt.

The camp seems new and dangerous. The last time Sagepaw has been here was after Flickerpaw and Smoothpaw hauled him into the medicine cat den for poppy seeds, and then into his den a day later. The sun is too bright, the laughs too loud. Sagepaw doesn't want to see happy cats right now.

Just like the day with the cliff, the sadness-free title Sagepaw had given it, life moves too quickly. Flickerpaw grins when Sagepaw locks eyes with him. Cracklight offers a gruff 'hi.' Aloestar nuzzles her son, wrapping her tail around his back and guiding him to the prey pile.

Sagepaw can't see quite right, feeling intoxicated by the scent of blood, even if just squirrel blood. Aloestar asks which piece of prey he'd like. What piece of prey? None.

But instead he points out the brown squirrel with blood pooling from the mouth.

Sagepaw chokes down his prey, not noticing the usually sweet and chewy taste. Right now all he can notice is the smell of blood on his paws.

The distraction is gone now. Now he has to face the grief instead of ignoring it for a greater, more important, pain. Sagepaw hates this more than anything.

Sagepaw follows his siblings and their mentors, swearing the snap of sticks and crunch of leaves sound the like the crunch of a cat's head on spiked stone. Huh. Does anyone else think that? Whatever. Sagepaw needs to focus on not being left behind. Needs to look happy, if not for himself, for his siblings. Maybe then, if he does something good, the world will take pity on him. But then again, time doesn't accommodate the lost.

The Sandy Hollow approaches, or, more formally, the Training Hollow. The hollow, the original hollow, was left behind many, many, moons ago. But a new one, not quite hollow shaped enough, was dug-out. Though wonky and far from perfect, it worked. And shockingly, it still does, though weathered.

Smoothpaw and Flickerpaw jump in first, their tails twitching with excitement. Their mentors, much less enthusiastic, follow. Sagepaw holds back, trying to etch a smile into his face. But what should it look like? Excited, relieved, happy, pleased? Right now all it looks like is fake.

Training starts with a monologue about teamwork. How they all must fight in pairs. How fighting alone is dangerous and foolish. Cracklight says this all shooting glances at Sagepaw. He rolls his eyes.

"Okay," Aloestar takes over, "before we learn all about teamwork, lets warm up. Something fun. Let's spar." Surprisingly, Cracklight nods.

Flickerpaw and Smoothpaw line up opposite each other, tails lashing excitedly. Sagepaw tries to add a spark of thrill to his eyes, but it doesn't quite work, not like how his siblings work.

"3...2...1... Go!" Aloestar calls into the air. And with sly smiles, the apprentices leaps forward. Smoothpaw is quick, Flickerpaw slower and clumsier. Smoothpaw barrels into her brother, teeth snapping and claws snuggled into their sheathes. Flickerpaw aims a hit, not quite clumsy but definitely not perfect, at her muzzle. Smoothpaw ducks, but such a severe movement sends her sprawling. Flickerpaw grins, but that fleeting second is all Smoothpaw needs to kick out her hind paws and-

Sagepaw can't watch anymore. He turns and prances into the forest.

His stomach bile burns his throats, trying to escape. The squirrel from earlier must be there too. Is it trying to claw its way out, like Tansypaw struggling to get back onto the cliff that is Sagepaw's brain? Sagepaw gags, trying not to vomit up all of the memories of the day with the cliff.

"It's not your fault."

But it is. It was his hind paws that sprung the tom into certain death. Down, down, down, so many fox tails down, into a sea of his own blood. Maybe if there was just another way, just a hit to the nose would've worked. Why, why, why...

"Where'd Sagepaw run off to?"

Cracklight's grumpy voice cuts through the shelter of the hazy rain. Oh no. Sagepaw doesn't want to be seen, not ever. He should disappear. They'll find out eventually, so why be around when they do?

Sagepaw drags his paws, eyes squinting through the rain, deeper into the forest. The trees all look the same, and it's so comforting. If only life is like that.

"Sagepaw!" Smoothpaw's voice sounds almost urgent, and the tom imagines her slipping in the mud as kits, as he is thrown into a more pleasant memory. A memory of fun, of laughter and play.

"Sagepaw!"

The voice holds no laughter. Sagepaw slips further into the woods, everything darkened by rain. Thunder comes down stronger.

"Don't play this kit-game, Sagepaw!" Cracklight's somewhat concerned voice cuts through another rumble of thunder and then a clap of lightning. Sagepaw doesn't take notice. Wherever he's going, it'll have mud.

Sagepaw stumbles forward, turning where his paws tell him too. He hears the voices far off, slipping further to the left, the wrong direction. The heavy wind and rain blasts his scent this way and that, no real trail left of it. Good. Sagepaw spots a huge pile of brown pooled on the ground like blood. The tom smiles slightly, if only to please his mind.

Slowly and sparingly, Sagepaw lowers himself into the mud, paws slipping. Echoes of giggles from the past only make it more appealing. With a rare purr escaping from his jaws, Sagepaw falls asleep to the thrumming of his heart, the crack of Tansypaw muffled by rain.