chapter 5

the intertwined and kissed thoughts of mine - bangchan

"I kissed him, so deeply, like I used to."

Bang Chan whispered, facing the ceiling. It wasn't his own, but rather Hyunjin's apartment ceiling. 

Hyunjin turned to the side in sleep, Chan knew that he turned and tossed in sleep so he held him tighter. Tonight, he held him closer, even tighter.

Bang Chan thought about it, for a long time - until the sun came up in the blinds. 

''Why did I.. kiss him?" Bang Chan muttered while playing with Hyunjin's hair as he was asleep, Chan's other arm around his naked waist. 

He should've never done so, the man he once loved for 3 years, became the man that had ignored him and left him alone, with no contact, for 4 years straight.

The "effects" of the alcohol made him do it, he reassured himself constantly, but was it really?

It was the yearn for him, the sense of belonging had disappeared without Hyunjin, missing the sweet affection he gave and those cherry-red lips. Hyunjin was his other half, his boyfriend but also his best friend. While they were together, they reminisced under the stars, at the nearest bar, in bed. They were truly happy, and it broke him even more on that day, that they were so. 

Chan's P.O.V:

I nuzzled my head in the crook of his neck, taking slow, deep breaths, trying to process this all - but cherish this moment for as long as I could. Our kiss, it was special, it felt like an eternity, clothes everywhere, happy tears at the waterline, loud moans of pleasure: what I wanted to feel for so long. I had just got all of it back, even him, but what do I do now? 

I feel a sense of hatred, guilt, sadness and shame, even when I play with the individual strands of his hair. He broke me first, left me unbeknownst to the regret I would feel later. I can finally feel his breaths quicken, and his eyes flutter open, and the low groan from his chest as he stretches - my arms now away from his waist, pretending to be asleep. 

"Hi, Chan.." Hyunjin mumbled, still in his slumber. I could hear him plop back in bed, with an arm across my body, hesitant, but finally resting in my warmth.  

"I'm sorry, I felt pain too afterwards, so much. I slept with too many guys - while I tried to forget about you." He whispered, against the side of neck, and I could feel my tears going to escape - but I managed to hold it in. All my pain returning. Like it always was. 

"I wish I was as caring as you, as hard-working, as kind and loyal. Truthful and not so brutal." Hyunjin gently spoke, like the cherry blossoms falling, as I heard a sniffle from him and a shift closer to me.

"I left you. I lost you, and myself too. It was a- horrible decision. I wish I wasn't so new to true love, being ready and committed to an actual relationship. I was burnt out, for fucking ages, my paintings all so dark and depressing. I barely ate and drank on some days and weeks, and just at the thought of you, I ran to the club. Escapism took over me, I couldn't bear the thought of you anymore - otherwise, I would cry, for a long time." Hyunjin continued to whisper, and I could feel the wet tears of his heartache trickle down my arm, but his voice didn't break, maybe he was used to this, like I was. Crying at the lovey-dovey songs for different groups, trying to leave my past behind me.

"I love you, I'm sorry. I loved you then, but didn't realise it: all this time has made me realise that I was supposed to be with you. You were my other half, the sneak of the sunshine after a rainy day, leading to a rainbow, the plaster for my painful papercut." Hyunjin now spoke quieter, but his words touched my heart. He went through the pain I went through, I wanted to squeeze his hand but I stayed still, letting only my chest rise up and down. 

"I never want to lose you again, like I did before. I - I don't even know, how much pain and heartbreak I caused you, I know you couldn't sleep on a lot of nights - the eyebags tell. I know you cried a lot, in your favourite coffee shop too. Sorry. I know it's not enough though. I want you to love me, care for me, as I will too. I will be patient, give me as much time as you want. Talk to me about your feelings, and I will too." His voice broke slightly, but he stayed strong. He never would've said something like this before, both of our painful pasts clearly shaped us. 

"I wish we could go back to the start, the bar we would always exchange glances in, then small waves, to pure love. A songwriter and an artist, perfect. Now, I feel like I'm ready to commit and love you. For as long as I can." 

I could feel a warm exhale against my neck, then a kiss, my sensitive spot. 

I couldn't hold it in anymore. I hastily put my palm of his right cheek and kissed him slowly, before looking back at eachother as I pulled back, then kissed him quicker and quicker as I took my shirt off and unzipped his and my pants. I was on top of him, and there he was, smiling underneath me. I pecked him on his forehead and began biting softly and kissing the back of his neck to down his abs. 

"You started working out, yeah?" The sudden question from Chan made Hyunjin startle, but he nodded and pulled him back to kiss him.

We continued further, until the sun began to rise, little gasps and groans of pleasure escaping our mouths. 

"You heard everything?" Hyunjin asked, as we finished. 

"Yeah, I kissed you so suddenly, I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. You had gone through what I went through." I sat up on the bed, looking back down at my fidgeting hands. 

"I'm also ready to try again, love and care for you and make each other feel happy." I gave him a small smile, before kissing him once again on his lips. 

We lay back on the bed, hands intertwined, with no bother to get up, just us cherishing the moment of us, being so close and secure - with my feelings softer than they were before.