chapter 4

give me your tears for a piece of mind - bangchan and hyunjin

tw: mentions of sexual abuse/alcohol overusage

"That was a beautiful dream." 

They both lay awake, not in Bang Chan's bed, but in their own apartments - Hyunjin sleeping on his sketches, almost twisted with his tears. Bang Chan resorting to the comfort of his desk, at his company, with professional musical equipment, resting his arms on his computer: still on to a emotional song. This dream was one of the many, them two experienced, that came and went. However, it left one with regret and guilt and the other with a heavy pain in the heart and self-blame every single time. 

"Why was I so stupid, Bang Chan?"

"What did I do wrong, Hyunjin, that made you leave me all alone?"

They both whispered, looking up at the ceiling with tears on the verge of brimming. They wanted to laugh, touch and be with each other. But it was impossible, breaking up completely made them both lose themselves, they could no longer love the same anymore.

Hyunjin wiped his tears with his dark-blue jumper still smeared with paint from previous artworks, but Bang Chan shrugged the pain off his shoulders and got back to work - not even bothering to care about himself as he placed the headphones on and closed his eyes and focused on the beat. 

Bang Chan tapped his foot to it, but he stopped, and looked down. He tapped his foot anxiously waiting for his response in the coffee shop that day, now everything was coming back. 

Hyunjin called his latest guy to fuck with yet again, at the club, 11pm. The truth was, he never was mature, he just dreamed he would be one day and meet him again. He let out a shaky sigh as got up and cleaned everything up, staring at his body in the cracked mirror as he wore his outfit for the night. So many hands, many bodies were intertwined with his, when they firstly belonged to him. He was so gentle and passionate when loving Hyunjin, unlike the guys he's met so far.

 A senior walked into Bang Chan's recording room, smirking, Yi-wan. While Bang Chan was trying to concentrate back on the piece he was writing lyrics for, he could feel a pair of unwanted hands all over his back massaging certain spots. Bang Chan turned around and stood up, 

"I told you not to touch me anymore. I'll report you-" 

A hush came from him as he placed a finger on Bang Chan's lips, making him gulp nervously and close his eyes. He was used to this. He felt Yi-wan touch him in places that he wasn't comfortable with, unzipping his flyer and abusing him. Bang Chan felt so alone, a victim, when he cared for others.

'Hyun, he would never do this..' Chan thought to as Yi-wan left the room, chuckling, not aware of his deep pain. 

Hyunjin was desperate at times, yes, but gave him the time Chan needed and the respect, consent and boundaries, he needed. All gone. Just like him. 

Hyunjin just kept on partying late at night, dancing and singing to the loud music - which now seemed quieter as he was so used to it. At the thought of him, he knew he would be lost deeply in remorse and the crave for him. He ran in tears to the club, but quickly relaxed himself, by taking deep breaths near the counter. He ordered a light drink, as to not make himself go through the throbbing headache he knew he would have later. 

Finishing his drink, a song of his that he enjoyed played and he waved his arms in the air and dancing, singing quite badly to it. 

'Chan would sing like a peaceful lullaby, singing his unreleased calm tracks to me as we both fell asleep..' The thought of him. 

A hand was placed on his shoulder as he slowly stopped dancing, 

"Hey, the energy was fucking crazy. Care for a drink with me?"

A man gave him a small smile, with black hair almost covering his eyebrows, a casual fit and beautiful brown eyes. 

Hyunjin smiled back, nodding to the music, as the man signaled with his hands to come along with him, but remembered that following this man - he could do something to him. 

So he stayed still. As people pushed past him and the man disappeared. As much as there was a desire for him to wipe his memories out for a few days or a night with a spiked drink, a tug in his chest, Bang Chan. Hyunjin didn't want to forget him. He never wanted to. He only wanted to forget the fact, that those memories are long-gone and the coffee shop. 

He couldn't care less about the body pain or dull ache in his head tomorrow, he asked impatiently for a glass of whisky and gulped it down in one go. He now sat sluggishly on a chair, drunkenly speaking to himself, palms on his eyes as soon as he caught himself trapped in his love life. 

The music seemed weird now though, a familiar voice replaying his voice?

No, it was in fact Chan's voice, rapping with a sick beat in the background.

He had only been singing gentle and meaningful, lovey-dovey songs, back then, with his computer an acoustic guitar, a piano and a dream. Maybe, Hyunjin didn't know him well, well enough at least.

Bang Chan stood in the middle of the nearest club he could find, making all left and right turns in his car, running away from his problems. Supressing it down in his chest as usual, but today, he wanted to be free. Free with music. 

Slowly getting the mood of the club, he nodded his head to his music, even though he knew the lyrics were sad, but in a rap beat. Everyone blissfully unaware it was him who felt it all, except one. 

'Why did you leave me? Our love was true, wasn't it? I miss the feeling of 'ya, now you left me alone in the dark. Someone save me, my heart is broken.'

That lyric made them both look up at the speakers, one drunk and one sober. 

Everyone was dancing, kissing in the bathrooms or texting. Except for them two. Both closing their eyes and letting the tears flow out, feeling too much. Yet, having too little. They drank their glasses at the same time, the tears dripping everywhere, with their eyes and noses both red. Both were secretly wishing, for the love of their lives to be back, to not feel the pain of heartbreak. But it would never happen.

In the distance, though, just like the dream, Chan now saw him. He swirled his glass of whatever and drank it, eyes red and cheeks puffy, he dyed his hair with blond streaks and looked a bit thinner than before. Chan tilted his head to make sure it was really him, and walked. Towards him. 

He should've hesitated. 

Was Hyunjin thinking about our break-up, maybe not?

He always kept a spare hidden cabinet of alcohol underneath the pans, and Chan sometimes secretly caught him drinking when his artwork wasn't perfect or when he had a bad day.

He walked slower, observing him, an all black outfit, yet it looked so handsome on him. 

Hyunjin turned around, now Chan could clearly see him, red eyes and blushed cheeks, slurred speech and awkward sitting position. Hyunjin widened and rubbed his eyes, seeing him. Chan could only feel the music getting quieter as he stared into those same eyes he was dreaming about, for way too long, but had once actually loved staring at. 

"I'm sorry. I broke up with you that day. There was this other guy I was with, fucking hell, I was stupid." Hyunjin spoke, slightly slurred as he started crying.

"It was all because I wanted you all the time, so when you went to work, I fucked with some other guy. I loved you, for who you were, and the actual verbal love and dates you gave me. But I couldn't hold the guilt of cheating on you for too long, so I tracked your location and arrived. I left abruptly, because I was so fucking upset, I couldn't talk to you anymore." Hyunjin drooped down on his chair, pouting his lips, admitting the whole truth for Chan to hear.

Chan stepped back, 

"You just.. wanted to fuck me? But, I did all that for yo-" 

"I know. I missed all of it, I wanted you laying next to me in bed, I wanted you to be the one there for me. You gave and showed me what true love was, and even though I'm not mature yet fully in love, I've learnt. I've learnt a lot, Chris." Hyunjin finally looked up, with a sparkle of love in his eyes.

Chan knew he might've scoffed and argued, but he didn't, he followed his heart and came even closer to his face. 

"I'm sorry too, I wasn't there for you a lot, work was so much, you know? Also, you were the one who organised the dates, cooked and drove us." Chan gave a smile so delicate in the moment, Hyunjin couldn't resist closing the space between them. Hyunjin placed his arms on Chan's neck and Chan pulled him out of the chair and wrapped his legs around his waist, the music getting them lost in the moment. They both pulled back to both admire each other, the need, the crave, the quench for each other's love was filled. 

Tears flew out yet again, not in sorrow, but in a yearn. It wet both their lips, but they didn't care. They loved each other now, just like in those rainy days.

Notes:

i've decided to continue this series with two more chapters haha spring break is happening soon ~! expect to see a lot from me