THIRTY TWO

(Suho's POV)

  I knocked softly on the door of the room Sehun and I shared. It had been more than two hours since Seorin had left and the argument and Sehun had locked himself up in the room. I had told the others to give him some time to cool down before we said anything to him.

  "Sehun," I called, knocking louder "Come out. Let's talk." There was no reply. I sighed. Why is he so stubborn??

  "For how long are you going to shut yourself in your room?" I asked, leaning against the door "Come out. Aren't you going to eat dinner? There's only a limited amount of pizza left. Come before the others finish it." I said, hoping the food might tempt him. "We got you bubble tea too."

  There was still no answer. Ok, Plan B. "Sehun, either you're coming out or I'm coming in," I said sternly "I will not allow you to act like a stubborn teenager. Come out and we can talk."

  Silence. I let out another sigh. "Ok, I'm coming in," I twisted the doorknob, hoping it wasn't locked. It wasn't and I pushed the door open. The room beyond was dark.

  "Sehun," I flipped on the light switch expecting him to be on his bed. But to my surprise, the room was empty. "Sehun?" I frowned, spotting his phone on his bed. Where is he? I was suddenly aware of a cold breeze in the room. The curtains on the window were billowing silently as the night wind blew into the room. I strode over and flung the curtain aside.

  Shit. Just as I feared, the window was open. And Sehun was nowhere to be found. I swear to god, this kid... I swore under my breath as I hurried in the direction of the kitchen where the others were sitting around the table in a gloomy silence. On the way, I checked the bathroom and the other rooms to see if he was there. He wasn't.

  The others looked up as I arrived at the kitchen anxiously. "He's not coming out?" Xiumin inquired.

  "He's not here," I replied, worriedly raking a hand through my hair. "He's left through the window."

  "What?!" Baekhyun exclaimed. "Where did he go?"

  "I don't know," I fretted "Maybe we were too harsh on him. Something was obviously bothering him."

  "Maybe he's in the bathroom?" Lay asked.

  I shook my head. "No. I checked."

  "I'll call him," Kai pulled out his phone, looking distressed.

  "It's no use. He's left his phone behind," I sighed. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to figure out what to do. Sehun wasn't a kid and could look after himself, but I've known him for so long that he was more or less my younger brother and I couldn't help feeling worried about him.

  "Let's split up and look for him," I said and the others got up at once. "He hasn't taken the car so he couldn't have gone far. Try his favourite spots and be careful not to draw attention to yourself."

  "This Oh Sehun really," muttered D.O "Wait till I get my hands on him. Silly idiot, running away like this." I could hear worry lacing the undertones of his angry attitude.

  We put on our coats and masks and stepped out into the cold night. Then the 9 of us headed in different directions, promising to call the others if anyone found him. I started in the direction of his favourite bubble tea shop, hoping he would be there.

  I came to the cozy little shop and pushed open the door. A quick look around confirmed that the shop was empty except for a couple of teenage girls who squealed when they saw me. I bowed politely to them and stepped out of the shop.

  I walked along the streets, looking into every shop and bar, hoping Sehun would be in one. There was no news from the others and I was starting to panic like crazy. Where is he???  After walking around for about half an hour, I spotted a small bar and I crossed the road to it.

  The interior was clean and lit with dim lights. Soft music was playing through the speakers and there were only a few people about. I made my way around the bar counter and to the rear of the place. There, slumped in one of the furthermost booths, was a figure I knew well. Relief flooded my body.

  I quickly called Xiumin. "I found him," I said "Tell the others." I gave him the address and hung up, making my way to Sehun. I slipped into the seat opposite him. Sehun was staring at the table blankly, cheeks flushed.

  "Sehun," I said and he looked up, peering at me through drooping eyes.

  "Hyung," his voice slurred. "What are you doing here?"

  "I must ask the same from you," I replied "Just what do you think you are doing running away without telling anyone? Do you know how worried we were?"

  "I doubt it," Sehun mumbled. "You guys hate me."

  "No we don't."

  "Yes you do! You hate me! All of you!" his voice rose "And I don't blame you. I'm a hateful person. Everyone hates me!" 

  "We don't," I said patiently "And keep your voice down. Do you want a video of you being drunk going around the internet tomorrow?"

  Sehun pouted and shook his head. I sighed. "How much have you had to drink?"

  "Just a few."

  "Shots?"

  "Bottles."

  "Sehun..." I sighed reproachfully. "You shouldn't- never mind. Let's go home once the others come ok?"

  "No." 

  "Why not?" I asked, feeling like I was dealing with a stubborn 5 year old.

  "Because you hate me," he replied mournfully, bowing his head.

  "I don't!"

  "Well you should. Even I hate myself," he mumbled.

  "Why do you hate yourself Sehun?" I asked gently.

  When Sehun looked up at me, his eyes were filling with tears. "I'm a horrible person. I yelled at you. I yelled at the others. I don't deserve you guys. I don't deserve to be in Exo..." His voice trailed off.

  "Hey... don't say that," I got up and slipped into the seat beside him. "Exo will not be Exo without you."

  Sehun sniffed. "It still won't change the fact that I'm a horrible person. Seorin probably hates me too."

  "Do you want to tell me why you wanted Seorin to leave?" I asked gently.

  Sehun was silent for a long minute. Just when I thought that he wasn't going to tell me, he spoke. "It's my fault isn't it? That Seorin got hurt?"

  "No it isn't," I said firmly "You can't blame yourself Sehun. And anyway, she's alright now. She's safe."

  "But what if she wasn't alright? What if- what if she died? An-and she could have died hyung... and how could I have lived with that?" Sehun's hands that were knotted on the table top were trembling.

  I reached over and put my hand over his. "But nothing happened. You have to stop blaming yourself."

  Sehun appeared to have not heard me and continued, "It's killing me hyung. The guilt. However I look at it, it's my fault. I let her leave the house that day. I-I should have told her to stay. And I didn't know anything until I saw it in the news. Seorin was getting stabbed... and I didn't know. I couldn't protect her. And what use am I if I can't protect her?"

 "Is that why you told her to go?"

  Sehun nodded. "All I've ever done was to hurt her and let her down. She's better off without me."

  "Does she feel that way?" I asked "She looked so hurt and miserable when she left today."

  Sehun was silent for a moment. "It will be the last time I hurt her," he said with a weary smile "And I've hurt her a lot before. I found her diary today hyung, and I realized just how much I've failed her."

  He read Seorin's diary? This kid really. I shot him a disapproving look but didn't interrupt.

  "Did you know she had been getting threats?" Sehun turned to me, looking pained. "About people wanting to slit her throat? And we left her home all alone. She must have been so scared. And I never knew- I didn't know what she was going through. I never asked her. And-and she was so sure that I would protect her no matter what. But I couldn't. I couldn't protect her."

  I put an arm around him comfortingly. "It wasn't your fault. Don't put yourself through it."

  "Then how come I feel so guilty hyung?" he asked "I see these dreams... about Seorin dying. And about me not being able to help her.  And I'm scared that one day, when I open my eyes, it wouldn't be a dream. That Seorin would actually be hurt because of me. That's why I let her go, even if it hurts. It's better for her to stay away from me and be safe than be with me and get hurt."

  The dreams... of course. How could I not know... I cursed myself silently. All those restless nights, all the whimpering and tossing and turning. I should have known it had something to do with Seorin to scare him like that. I should have paid more attention. We were all worried about Seorin being hurt that we had overlooked someone else who was hurting too. I  had overlooked it. I'm such a useless leader. I always tried to be the best leader for my members, someone they could look up to and trust, but it looked like I had failed. There had been a member struggling right under my nose, and I hadn't seen it.

  "Sehunnie..." I turned to him "I'm so sorry I didn't know. I'm sorry that you had to go through all this alone. I should have known-"

  "Don't hyung," he interrupted "It's not your fault. You did ask me to tell you what was bothering me. But I didn't tell you because I knew you'd worry and I didn't want you to worry."

  "Worrying about all of you is part of my job, silly," I said, pulling his ear "I know that maybe, you don't think of me as your brother..." I took a breath, "But I am your leader. So don't hesitate to reach out. I will do everything in my power to help you- to help any of you."

  I spoke the words almost without thinking, and to my surprise, Sehun burst into tears. "Hyung I'm s-so s-sorry. I-I didn't mean it. I didn't mean what I s-said. You are the most perfect older brother. And you're also like a father to all of us and we are so lucky to have you. You are the best leader anyone can ask for. I w-was angry and confused and hurt and I took it out on you. I'm s-sorry hyung. You know I-I love you right? And I'm so th-thankful that I have you, even though I d-don't deserve you-" he choked up.

  I hugged him tightly. Sehun was usually shy and found it very hard to tell what he was really feeling. Coming from him, any compliment was sincere and I felt touched. I was still hugging him when there was a sound of voices and the others came up to the table.

  "Sehun, you little-" started Baekhyun angrily, but stopped abruptly when he saw that Sehun was crying quietly. Immediately, his forehead creased with concern and he sat down on the seat opposite to us. "Why? What's wrong?" he asked worriedly.

  I put a finger to my lips and gestured them to sit down and give him some time. They exchanged worried looks and squeezed into the booth. Chanyeol, Lay and Kai dragged up three chairs from another table and sat down at the side. There was a silence, only broken by Sehun sniffs.

  "Stop crying now," I said finally, rubbing Sehun's back soothingly. He took a deep breath and pulled himself together. Then he looked at the others silently, like he wasn't sure they were angry with him. The others looked back, seeming uncertain on what to say.

  "Are you ok?" Xiumin asked eventually. Sehun sniffed and nodded. I passed him a tissue.

  "Are you guys mad at me?" he asked quietly.

  The others looked at each other. "No," sighed Baekhyun. "But are you at least going to tell us why you behaved like that?" Sehun said nothing and worried at the tissue, twisting it in his hands.

  "If you don't want to tell us, then fine!" Kai said suddenly and sat back with his arms crossed, scowling.

  Sehun peered at him anxiously, "Are you mad at me?"

  "Yes! You suddenly told Seorin to leave and then yelled at Suho hyung and the rest of us. You are obviously struggling with something but you won't tell us. Instead you go all ballistic on us without warning. So yeah, I'm mad at you."

  "I'm sorry," Sehun said. "I'm sorry I shouted at all of you. I-I didn't mean anything I said. I was just angry and scared-"

  "But why?" Lay asked.

   Sehun took a breath and started explaining. I watched as the the members' faces changed from concern to guilt as they realized just how much we had all failed to notice. There was a long silence after Sehun had finished talking.

  "Why didn't you tell us Sehun?" asked Chanyeol, breaking the silence.

  "It was my problem. I didn't want you guys to worry."

  Chen reached across the table and laid his hand over Sehun's. "But your problems are our problems, you idiot. We are a family for a reason."

  "Yeah. Just what do you think you were doing by by hiding your troubles from us?" D.O asked sternly. "Next time, tell us. Let us help. No hiding." he leaned over and grabbed Sehun's ear. "Understand?"

  Sehun winced. "Ow ow- hyung! Yes, I understand. No hiding."  D.O let him go. "Hyung, that hurt..." he whined, scrunching up his face. Chanyeol nodded sympathetically, having had 1st hand experience of D.O's ear twisting.

  "But what about Seorin?" Chen asked. "Are you serious about letting her go?"

  Sehun nodded, eyes downcast. "It's for the best. For her."

  "What about you, then?" Xiumin asked.

  Sehun leaned against the wall to his left, wrapping his arms around himself. "I'll survive," he said with a weary shrug.

  We were silent for a moment. "Well, if that's your decision, we will support you," I said and the others nodded. "But next time, tell us. Don't go through it alone." I turned to the others, "All of you. If something is bothering you, come tell me. I will listen and I will do everything to help you. Otherwise, what use am I as a leader if I can't help my own members?"

  "You are the best leader hyung," Kai said seriously "And if something is bothering you, we will do everything we can to help you too. That's a promise." I smiled at him, feeling touched.

  "AWWW!!" Baekhyun suddenly yelled and and pulled everyone towards him. "GROUP HUG!!!!" The others joined in with laughs.

  "I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!" Chen whooped in my ear, as Sehun and I got pulled into the hug. "I LOVE ALL YOUR WEIRD ASSES!!" 

  "WE LOVE YOU TOO CHEN!" shouted Chanyeol.

  "Oh my god. You guys are so embarrassing!!!" groaned Sehun, but he was smiling.

  "And that's why you love us!" Kai grinned, as Sehun groaned some more.

  "Ok, ok that's enough," I laughed, pulling away. "The bartender is looking at us like we came from outer space."

  "Well technically, we did come from outer space," Lay pointed out. "From Exo Planet."

  "Yes!" Chanyeol put his hand on the middle of the table. "Exo forever!!"

  We all placed our hands on top of his, except Sehun. "Oh, get in here Sehun!" D.O gestured him over with a grin.

  "You guys are so cheesy," Sehun mumbled, but placed his hand on the top of the pile with a smile all the same.

  "From to day onwards, we tell each other everything. Whatever we go through, we go through it together," I said "We are not just a group, we are a family. Exo today, tomorrow and forever. Lets love! We are one!"

  "WE ARE ONE!"

.  .  .